Healing & the Emerging Beauty

Photo by myself

I found myself in this tender raw space of being this past week. Outwardly I was functional for day to day life and inwardly I have been sliding down, what I now call, a healing hole. It is a messy, vulnerable experience every single time when that happens. You know the kind of unwellness that you feel and there is actually nothing really wrong in the present times? The kind that would convince you of your loneliness when actually what is true is the wisdom of being present with the aloneness in this process.

I felt assured that I will be guided and supported throughout. There was something within me that was almost thrilled at this opportunity of cleansing and renewal that it usually is. Knowing fully well it comes with much heart ache, tears and discomfort.

It can get pretty dark and lonely in the mind forest where you are clearing away the dense thicket of old beliefs, tendencies and old patterns. Some are so much our comfort zone yet a source of continual Dis-ease. I am not new to this geography of our mind for how we create our reality from all that we allow to grow here.

Just in case that I don’t lose myself fully in the seeming abyss, I made sure I informed few friends that I am feeling the urge to isolate. One soul friend accompanied me into my thickest and reminded me to remain in this human state of suffering only long enough that I am actually using it to clear out the old, and emerge renewed. The realities that we get stuck in, are mostly created in our mind by humans around. It is our responsibility to change that. She reinforced my connection with this Universe, my oneness with the Earth, the sky, the grass, so I could tap into the Infinite source to breathe and feel good where I am.

I found access to a deeper level of myself, that corner of my mind basement that had long gotten neglected. I had to shine the light on everywhere I was conforming at the cost of being my true self. I had to become comfortable to allow the chaos while I clear the space and make the required shifts to reclaim my power. It can feel very disruptive and scary, but then it is all in the mind. The only way out is through.

Photo by myself

I am amused at my arrogance that I feel shocked initially for having to do this inner work yet again. Judging myself for getting hit with this intense a low. As I watched myself continue to slip deeper, I knew I had to surrender to the wave. I slowed down to the fullest. Giving myself full permission for zero productivity. It is surprising how all the necessary gets done with better quality of attention and satisfaction this way.

No matter who is available for us, these are lonesome stretches that we have to be willing to walk through, without mistaking it for being alone, or trying to escape it. Even though it might feel excruciatingly lonely while going through some of it. How we relate to family and society are constructs of our minds. The greatest support from our immediate family is the space for these individual journeys. Drawing boundaries around our personal well being is a necessity.

I marvel in gratitude at how richly beautiful this life is, how amazingly supported we are. AmyRose a divine friend from this blog world sensed where I am through my comment on her blog and wrote this to me, affirming powerfully –

This journey all of us have been on is far from easy. We all have our good, bad, and then some iffy days. It takes practice acting like you and not how you have been conditioned to behave. You are fortunate you are learning this now, for the energies are creating the opportunities for you to grow rapidly. Always listen to your heart for it will not ever lead you wrong. You will know when you do or say or think something that is not lined up for your highest good because your Inner Guidance will not leave you alone until you rectify whatever it is that rubs your Golden Heart wrong. Be gentle with yourself ….”
(Do visit Amy by clicking on her name above, you will find her photography, and authenticity incredible at the least! She inspires me, guides me through her work and words.)

Today I woke up with a very tender nascent feeling, as if I had managed to crawl back to the rim of the hole and now simply absorbing the light. I decided I will take a break from my every Monday blog post. I felt exhausted and absolutely blank about wanting to share anything. Then the following words popped up as FB memory, that I had posted on my wall exactly 6 years ago today in 2015, when I didn’t know what a blog meant and that I would be called a writer.

I felt charged with aliveness after reading these words, a bold reminder of how I have been here before. That I can restart small and slow. I decided to put those words on the burst of blooming pink flowers as you can see at the top of this post. I thought I would post just that image. Then I realized I do not want to only share the full bloom of the flowers. I also want to share about my experience of having gone underground into the dirt before I could find my own joy beginning to bloom again.

I trust the process always. It only gets better from here.

Original photos used for above images below

P.S. I am truly blessed to have your comments.
I have been feeling a tug for not being able to visit your work as consistently as I would like in these few days. I will catch up on all that I miss, genuinely my loss as I love indulging in all the beautiful works by my friends here. Much Love & Gratitude.

Drink in with your Senses

The peace of pink & purple I can see

The expanse pours in through my ears

The sweet gratitude I smell reaches my heart

All the pores of my skin bloom open

And then seal in the feelings together

That taste of fullness lingers airily on my tongue

Peace, gratitude and expansiveness

Of the pink sky and majestic mountain

Are now part of my being

Photo by Manish Doshi – Death Valley National Park, CA

The Journey

Photo by Manish Doshi

The journey itself doesn’t see our earthly age. It is a joy to arrive when we arrive and a delight to meet your own tribe on the same path.”

This blog platform has been a significant way of meeting and interacting with utmost amazing beautiful people who have created an indelible impact on my life journey from one day to another. They are generous hearts and souls delivering divine messages and reminders as if guide posts on the path, through their work and exchange of comment conversations, often year after year. I hope to find the ability and inspiration to share about each one who has been a contribution to me. You know who you are. An humble bow of gratitude to you.

Today I want to share about one such beautiful blogger friend, Tamara Kulish.

The quote in the above image came as a part of our conversation on one of her blog post “Remind yourself that you cannot fail at being yourself” This post made me thoughtful and I responded with saying:

“Do what you want and what you enjoy – this seemed like the most revolutionary advice I gave myself at one time I remember. The sense of self-worth when not independent of others’ expectations, we lose our sense of Being and keep choosing to do things to satisfy some external standards. Your post is one perfect statement after another.”

Dear Tamara responded to the above by saying:

“We have both learned the value of doing this in our lives, you earlier in life than I did, but it’s wonderful when anyone does, whether earlier or later! There’s really no better time than now, for anyone contemplating this in their own life! It’s a truly liberating mind set!”

My heart all joyful with resonance and as if with a nod to her, I responded :

The journey itself doesn’t see our earthly age. It is a joy to arrive when we arrive and a delight to meet your own tribe on the same path.”

Tamara then generously shone her bright light on this statement of mine and made it into a quote in this post: Your soul is the place within you that is timeless, ageless, and eternal She gifted my words back to me, to take this beautiful and powerful form, as you see in the quote image at the top. I hope you enjoyed and found value in our interaction that I chose to share, in similar fashion of her post.

Please visit Tamara Kulish to know of her expansive work of books and journals published in the area of self-discovery, personal development, finding happiness and fulfillment. Her blog posts are a treasure, each one, with her honest authentic sharing and inspiring perspectives.

Eyes Look Longingly

Photo by myself

You look to my eyes
and search for envy
I invite you to look deeper
You will find sadness
for what I see in your eyes

I look to your eyes
and you just look away…

Envy is an inescapable human trait. Provoking envy as a motive hurts the spirit of all involved. Sharing the joy of our Being lifts the spirit of all involved.

Envy & Inspiration – a past article on how I learned to turn my envy into inspiration from experiences from my very young age.

Other related posts:

Here, Take them All – my favorite on this topic, a short poem
Envy & What can Be – short post of 5 lines
Parallel Disappointment – short poem

Things I have tried not to say

Photo by myself

Things I have tried hard not to say:

I gave you valid respect for your given role in my life. I will never falter in that. I became weak, I cried. You scolded, told me to become strong. I did. You can’t stand me now.

I have no desire for power games. Each time you try to make me small, I hurt a bit, a lot and then just become tall. I desire respect for who I am and regard for my personal growth.

I shared with you that genuineness in relationships is required for me. You explained how I am being unreasonable. You thought you helped me understand. Sadly, I understood what you said.

I said it is important to show more care for each other. Soon it became a game of guilt-tripping grievances, while flaunting privileges. I wasn’t interested in those. I quit engaging. I am learning to be ok.

I kept my stories positive. I didn’t share what I really struggled & triumphed through. Validated, empathized and supported you inside out. You took me for granted and declared that I am lucky I have it all so easy. I am learning to find a balance.

You have given me a lot of goodness, helped in times of need. I expressed profound gratitude at every opportunity. I am done being made indebted to you forever. I perhaps bring no other value to you.

You praised my spiritual writing in public and in person. Then you said I was foolish to actually attempt to live what I wrote. I need to be loyal to my own word. I think you should have no say in that.

I have acknowledged both your struggles and your privileges without agenda and envy. I think I have suffered enough humanly, if that’s the competition we are in, to prove our worth. I now go for continual joy and gratitude. You preach me positivity while pointedly reminding me of my lack. I become weak only because I care and want to trust you.

You are so so lovely, I would love to create some fun moments with you, instead of you trying to make me jealous with other people. I wish we are truly that which we take turns trying to become/show. Have a cup of smiles, perhaps with some sweet, bitter, hot, perfect brew. I want us to speak easy and true, or then why bother with the façade/role play?

Praise is not the expectation behind any of my action. Love is the intention behind all I say and do. I feel deeply. I mean what I say. Your mixed layers of what you say, what you really mean and you intend to convey something underneath saying something in the perfect nice words – it is exhausting to me.

Respect & Love exist as attitudes, trickling into action and words. Certainly not true when the words are claimed, assumed, imagined, explained. All this while continually invalidating others’ feelings, in the guise of wanting to make them strong and positive.

These are things I have tried hard not to say.

Today I decided to get them out of the way. I am not perfect, made my own human mistakes. I am working my way through. All this is what I really think sometimes, before I work diligently at letting go of expectations and acceptance of what is.

When emotional I am often unskilled at expressing, wanting to keep the love and kindness, fearing loss of relations. It is ok I think now, to say what I really mean without trying to make it into something nice. It is ok to love myself as much as anyone else.

I am learning to become unapologetically myself, still humble and authentic, valuing positivity and peace, yet more unapologetically myself. All my heart feels is Love in this moment and I am willing to grow to be able to live it to the fullest extent of it.

Post Update because of some comments I am getting : This is not about a single person in my life. I share a good marriage with my husband – we grow together as individuals. This is a compilation of various journeys with multiple interactions in life. Not an exact experience of this moment but a description of cumulative experiences I have been working through. A venting of how I think relations work in some ways in society, that I am growing out of very clearly, and felt the nudge to put it out in the Universe for anyone who might find it helpful and mark my own journey ahead.

Related posts from the past, if you feel inclined –

Prose :
Downsides of Gratitude?

Step into the New …You

Truthfulness, kindness & the dumbness of it all!

Love broken down to …Basics

Rhymes :
I Certainly Will …

Gratitude Attitude

Being Positive Truthfully

That is Why …

That is Why

Photo: Manish Doshi, Editing: Myself

Because now
It is impossible to fake a smile
Because now
I am inwardly happy in my heart
Because now
I love myself with all of how I am

Because
I wish the same for you
Because
I wish we meet with exactly how we feel
Because
I wish to discover how One we are

That is Why …

 

While I was contemplating if I will ever write again …actually I have a lot of writing and ideas ready …so more if I will ever feel the urge to post again, and while navigating what feels like a transition in my way of being, the feeling of wanting to create this quote image brings up so much joy in me. I closed my eyes to call for what I wanted to put these words on, I saw that I wanted them to go on a path that looked like a scroll opening towards me. I started looking through albums of personal photographs and found this perhaps accidental click by my husband on a nature trail.
Growing up I felt a lack in me for not being good at art – drawing, painting, singing, dancing, anything. As an adult I discovered that there is an art to words and life itself. And the skill emerges when I keep living authentically. These text images that I  have come to love creating are my art and my heart. They are what they are and they are how they wanted to come through me. I don’t know how they should be, to be good. It makes me very happy if you really like them.

 

Note: This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects.

 

Often this is true

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Photo: Manish Doshi

Often this is true

We tend to extend our vim & vigor
For those needing a caress to their ego
We seem to unknowingly waffle & waver
For those who make our hearts glow

We tend to put those encounters aside
The ones that were so brilliantly easy
We seem to disregard & mis-recognize
The ones that have no drama necessary

And often this is true

Both have the instant bond, not of this world
No insistence or expectation, uncanny trust furled
Both respect the other’s life journey exceedingly
“The other understands” they both know with certainty

At times longingly each could use the other’s company
They tread their own paths, carved differently
Each cheering the other, steadily following destiny
They have met in this lifetime beyond perfectly

Which one is familiar to you?

 

This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of Forgiving Connects, a precious blog space of acceptance & forgiving.

Mixed Feeling

Mixed Feeling

Photo : Myself

Note :

I loved the process of editing the original picture for this quote image. I first settled on this effect above. I thought it mimicked the feeling that these words bring to me.

I do not have any training or skills for editing. While playing around with tools further I stumbled upon more dramatic effects that could be created. Another version of this above image got more appreciated by few friends and family that I shared with, while comparing the 2.

They actually made me feel very proud of my patience and creativity in getting those results. They convinced me of no other choice but to post that one because of how good it was. I truly enjoyed their excitement …until I was about to publish this post.

Both the versions with exact same picture and words invoked a very different feeling. What I had landed at originally, and posted above, seemed to come from a gentle quiet mind. The other felt loud and from a crowded mind.

I shared my dilemma and I am told to be willing to disappoint my dear ones but not to disappoint myself. I decided to stay true to myself and post my choice.

I am smiling in wonder about how my choices get shaped with what the opinions of my close ones are. I wonder how it is going to be, to keep moving forward with how I feel versus what seems more appreciated or attractive in the world in general.

For now I am sharing with you exactly how I feel and nothing more 🙂 Please let me know what you think about the image & quote above.

Sparks Within

Fire

Photo Credit : Self

 

Just.             This.            Thought.          Today.

Because  all  I  hear  is  the  Silence  Within.

As    I     listen    to     the     Sparks     Within.

They   are   a   memory   of   a  Magical   Joy.

 

This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays for ForgivingConnects, a beautiful blog space of inspiration.

Choose Love Not Hate

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It was a delight reading Choose Love not Hate. Kindly visit this blogger friend’s site for his heartfelt work.

Author Josiah Harry elevates the concept of Love from the very reduced versions of the meaning of love that we tend to live with. He dives deeply in all facets of human love – Self, parental, familial, partner, emotional, spiritual. He explores the most personal to societal implications of how we perceive love.

Love when felt to the fullest connects us to the essence of humanity itself. The capacity to hate points to our own limitations within – yet there is a dilemma of how do we tackle the unfair. Josiah brings home all of it in a very thought provoking manner.