As of today, she WAS where I always met her when I visited my parents back home in India. Meeting her was a natural extension of my being there, unsaidly expected.
I was a young girl when she came in as a young newlywed. Today I watch my life backward through that lens. I remember her joy when her husband would come back for his monthly visit to her and his family, from his job far away.
She knew my happiness with new dresses and would share her new shopping with me – “Here wear these to college this week, enjoy them. I can wear them all the time later.”
Her son was the baby I came home to play with every day, throughout his growing phases. He calls me Didi and I used to address her as Tai – both refer to a big sister. It is lovely how it didn’t matter what relation we regard each other with – it is the impact we have by being in each other’s life in the most ordinary ways.
I clearly remember our last meeting & conversation 2 years ago and somehow I am very content with it – we had connected through our eyes and shared genuinely, there was Love.
That’s it. That’s all matters. Because we don’t ever know when it is our last meeting, with anyone. I never took pictures with her – I have a snapshot of our life together living in me.
Dear Tai, your courage through life is seen and has made a difference. In unknown ways too. I will miss you. I miss you.
Everything else that could be said, I hold in silence.
Note: I wrote this exactly last year and wished to share it with you all here, as we mark one year of her passing.
Photo by Manish Doshi 2019 – I was resting my spine on Earth at the edge of Crater Lake Oregon after a long hike. The peace was refreshing, the blue is the real color of the lake & the photo unplanned.
“Do Nothing – It is the Brave who can truly rest on this planet”
Do Nothing – I wrote this poem in April 2018. I was reminded of it when I was trying to make sense of my current unexpected blog break. My Kind WordPress friends, YOUR comments on this poem comforted and validated me, after 4 years now. Hope you enjoy it – on the image above or revisit on the linked title.
Life is gloriously flowing through me and I am simply Being – at times very raw and at times spacious freedom from shedding deeper identities. I feel very blessed for the opportunity of this lifetime and the abundance I am surrounded by, that I get to steep myself in when I choose to do nothing.
In the beginning, my mind rebelled against not delivering to my own expectations of a given day. Even while engaged in hands-on tasks of everyday life, I was inwardly pulled to the WordPress Space wanting to post my latest poetry, read yours, and engage in precious conversations that are the gift of this space. Each time I attempted to explain/inform of my unintended break, I as if entered a portal of stunning nothingness. Spirit questioned if my words were better than silence and silence became the choice.
The guidance was strong, I got steered away from all engagement. The mind went into a lot of chaos initially, collecting pieces of past, present, and future to make sense of. Once I steadied myself by allowing all that to pass through, a lot of truth that I was unwilling to accept became evident. The lies that I lived with, shook my now-reality into a fast spin. A lot of disintegration and reintegration seemed due.
This one was a transition similar to others, and it was also a different space of magical drift into nothingness. I wasn’t in a healing hole sliding down like in the past. I was feeling spacious, raw, getting renewed – I was immersed in the utter Beingness. There were waves of grief as I shed my past self, yet no tears, I was steady. Just Being present in the moment. There was no need for anything to be different, all sense of direction and aspiration suspended. There was a need for Slowness, amidst the Infinite waves of life. I often tend to pick up doubt in this way of being as much as I advocate it. I moved past that eventually.
There was a child-like joy with the knowing to make choices with lots of breathing space around for my intuition to be heard – for my reality and tasks to be structured differently than I was holding them – I gave myself renewed permission for taking the time to do one thing at one time, one day at a time, one week at a time with deep attention, with no sense of urgency or busyness. I was thrilled with the trust I felt in the Glorious Unkown, while Being in the wide-open spaciousness and tender vulnerability of the moment. The nature of Presence is such.
Be-come – This is a short post from December 2019 that Spirit guided me to, during this phase of Nothingness. It had conveyed the exact words as a reminder for my current self and yet again – my WordPress friends YOUR comments on it are an absolute treasure to return to. I humbly offer this post to you to revisit or if you are new to my space since then.
Even if it felt like Nothingness – some Infinite Living ways continued – I attended to every day needs of my family, at times hosted guests, had sacred conversations while facilitating my private students, completed my assignments as a full-time student & attended classes for my 4 year-long yoga therapist training. The list of what I allowed to fall off my day feels longer still as I have allowed myself the luxury of plenty of time. That’s where I am ready to receive guidance to make choices in powerful and playful ways. I am not giving up on anything I started, all that I have held in my intention with utmost love and gratitude.
Photo by Manish Doshi 2015 – Powerful & Playful is how I choose 🙂
“It is the Brave who can truly rest on this planet” – I am truly blessed and privileged for all that I am afforded – to dream and to live.
Dear WP friends – I look forward to visiting your blog space to find updates on your end that I have dearly missed. I sincerely hope you trust me when I say – my gratitude only deepens for this space with each passing day. It is very kind of you to allow and witness my inner process of living as you always do. My Presence, Slowness, Genuine Gratitude, Utmost Regard for you and your work, with Absolute Love and Humble Bow.
Flowers strewn all over my walking path feel like a definite sign and reminder of blessings on my way. They make me pause and smile – at myself, and at their short miraculous existence that brings beauty and joy on our way. That is if we happen to encounter them in different ways – either as buds, blooms or dried and fallen around undramatically returning to ground. And we get to walk on that ground.
We get to walk on this Earth. Sometimes with flowers strewn on our way… And sometimes there are pebbles…
As a child growing up in a tiny home in Mumbai, I used to run out to play with my friends without any shoes or slippers. Coarse sand and tiny pebbles poked my feet but I only remember a befriended feeling of it. Staying out as much as possible was happiness and the feet stepped on and around the pebbles effortlessly.
My family later upgraded to an upstairs apartment in another town and from there into adulthood, stepping out only with shoes on became the norm. It took some decades until now to get back to appreciate going barefoot, welcoming the experience of Earth through the sands, the grass, the water. I am beginning to also venture on to some pebbled areas to test how my comfort conditioned feet now play with the tingles and the tickles.
“Wherever I Stand, I Stand on the same Earth” Use this to stand a bit taller Use this to soften within…
These lines posted on Jan 26, 2017 came to my mind today. They had come from my awareness of so many levels of separation we feel with others – the feelings of smallness or superiority based on innumerable definitions we have created as our markers, including where we live, what we eat, how we spend our day – literally shaping how we live our life. There was a yearning to share the feeling of Oneness and yet not much ability for how to live it. So I had reminded myself that we share the same Earth – it felt as simple and as radical.
Today, we are collectively experiencing our existence on Earth as never imagined before. The world is vaccinated and opening up where I live. Yet family and friends in India are suffering deep losses and hardship every day. I feel trust in our Oneness and in our Earth to guide us to be of support to each other.
How do you relate to these 3 lines that came back to me today? I would be honored to know what came up for you when you read them. I discovered a lot more layers in those lines today from the time that I first wrote them.
There is subtle calibration of life processes that keep us going at our optimal, or become out of balance. It may show up in our ability to stay calm or feel overwhelmed in turmoil.
How do we access that calibration? How do we access the unmoving stability, strength, focus, ease of our being when surrounded by chaos, confusion or challenging life experiences that seem to be real and unreal at the same time.
The capacity to bridge & reach the unmoving stillness within, from all the unrelenting movements around and the mixing up of what is normal and the new normal – how do we explore the edges of this capacity?
One way for me is through a breath-oriented yoga practice in which the breath is invited to stay long and smooth no matter what posture, and move only in co-ordination with that breath. It is a distinctly different effort for the body and mind. It helps us explore our individual patterns of how we add stress to our being and bring more awareness, consciousness, calibration for optimal functioning. The result is a sense of calmness and clarity. The more consistently I practice, sooner I am able to get back to balance, each time I lose it.
Above pictures are from a Healing Trail I walked with 2 of my meditation friends – We walked with prayer and intention for all our families, brothers and sisters from India who are in such deep suffering with losing loved ones on a daily basis. We expressed humble gratitude for this blessed opportunity to get to walk on this planet, be together in that moment – “You are here awake and alive” – we have that available preciously in each moment Now. I chose to share just these out of a lot more such markers on this trail, because I connected with these the most on this day. I feel a sense of spaciousness after walking this trail, within me and around me along with being connected to everything and everyone.
Perhaps go back and look at the pictures again, peer through them if they can give you the peace.
P.S. If you are curious, check out my yoga website : www.YogaSaar.com
I am deeply honored and grateful for being interviewed for the ‘Let’s get Inspired’ series by Thoughtsnlifeblog. I have been following this series that featured many inspiring authors and writers, learning so much from them. I was pleasantly surprised when approached to be interviewed, and humbled by how the questions were so thoughtful and specific to me. It gave me an opportunity to dig deeper into my own blogging journey and look at it coherently. Thank you very much Thoughtsnlife Blog! For years now, Thoughtsnlife Blog has been an oasis of peace, beauty, positive energy, and inspiration for me, whenever I would land at their posts full of affirmations, meditations, and practical tools for daily living.
Welcome to theeleventh interview of the Let’s Get Inspired Series. A series where I interview our fellow WordPress.com bloggers on their blogging process, what they write about, their passions, their blogging dreams and their blogging tips. Each blogger has a speciality, well, more than one. Which I attempt to bring out in the interview.
I hope you enjoy this interview with Pragalbha; it is a page-turner. I had no idea of Pragalbha’s story, how she blogs and her accolades as a writer. Do enjoy.
Pragalbha and I have known each other for a long time, maybe since 2016, when I started blogging. I think she found my blog, and that lead me to see her blog. Her writing is from the heart and always, always leaves me in deep contemplation or an awakening of…
I found myself in this tender raw space of being this past week. Outwardly I was functional for day to day life and inwardly I have been sliding down, what I now call, a healing hole. It is a messy, vulnerable experience every single time when that happens. You know the kind of unwellness that you feel and there is actually nothing really wrong in the present times? The kind that would convince you of your loneliness when actually what is true is the wisdom of being present with the aloneness in this process.
I felt assured that I will be guided and supported throughout. There was something within me that was almost thrilled at this opportunity of cleansing and renewal that it usually is. Knowing fully well it comes with much heart ache, tears and discomfort.
It can get pretty dark and lonely in the mind forest where you are clearing away the dense thicket of old beliefs, tendencies and old patterns. Some are so much our comfort zone yet a source of continual Dis-ease. I am not new to this geography of our mind for how we create our reality from all that we allow to grow here.
Just in case that I don’t lose myself fully in the seeming abyss, I made sure I informed few friends that I am feeling the urge to isolate. One soul friend accompanied me into my thickest and reminded me to remain in this human state of suffering only long enough that I am actually using it to clear out the old, and emerge renewed. The realities that we get stuck in, are mostly created in our mind by humans around. It is our responsibility to change that. She reinforced my connection with this Universe, my oneness with the Earth, the sky, the grass, so I could tap into the Infinite source to breathe and feel good where I am.
I found access to a deeper level of myself, that corner of my mind basement that had long gotten neglected. I had to shine the light on everywhere I was conforming at the cost of being my true self. I had to become comfortable to allow the chaos while I clear the space and make the required shifts to reclaim my power. It can feel very disruptive and scary, but then it is all in the mind. The only way out is through.
Photo by myself
I am amused at my arrogance that I feel shocked initially for having to do this inner work yet again. Judging myself for getting hit with this intense a low. As I watched myself continue to slip deeper, I knew I had to surrender to the wave. I slowed down to the fullest. Giving myself full permission for zero productivity. It is surprising how all the necessary gets done with better quality of attention and satisfaction this way.
No matter who is available for us, these are lonesome stretches that we have to be willing to walk through, without mistaking it for being alone, or trying to escape it. Even though it might feel excruciatingly lonely while going through some of it. How we relate to family and society are constructs of our minds. The greatest support from our immediate family is the space for these individual journeys. Drawing boundaries around our personal well being is a necessity.
I marvel in gratitude at how richly beautiful this life is, how amazingly supported we are. AmyRose a divine friend from this blog world sensed where I am through my comment on her blog and wrote this to me, affirming powerfully –
“This journey all of us have been on is far from easy. We all have our good, bad, and then some iffy days. It takes practice acting like you and not how you have been conditioned to behave. You are fortunate you are learning this now, for the energies are creating the opportunities for you to grow rapidly. Always listen to your heart for it will not ever lead you wrong. You will know when you do or say or think something that is not lined up for your highest good because your Inner Guidance will not leave you alone until you rectify whatever it is that rubs your Golden Heart wrong. Be gentle with yourself ….” (Do visit Amy by clicking on her name above, you will find her photography, and authenticity incredible at the least! She inspires me, guides me through her work and words.)
Today I woke up with a very tender nascent feeling, as if I had managed to crawl back to the rim of the hole and now simply absorbing the light. I decided I will take a break from my every Monday blog post. I felt exhausted and absolutely blank about wanting to share anything. Then the following words popped up as FB memory, that I had posted on my wall exactly 6 years ago today in 2015, when I didn’t know what a blog meant and that I would be called a writer.
I felt charged with aliveness after reading these words, a bold reminder of how I have been here before. That I can restart small and slow. I decided to put those words on the burst of blooming pink flowers as you can see at the top of this post. I thought I would post just that image. Then I realized I do not want to only share the full bloom of the flowers. I also want to share about my experience of having gone underground into the dirt before I could find my own joy beginning to bloom again.
I trust the process always. It only gets better from here.
Original photos used for above images below
P.S. I am truly blessed to have your comments. I have been feeling a tug for not being able to visit your work as consistently as I would like in these few days. I will catch up on all that I miss, genuinely my loss as I love indulging in all the beautiful works by my friends here. Much Love & Gratitude.
“The journey itself doesn’t see our earthly age. It is a joy to arrive when we arrive and a delight to meet your own tribe on the same path.”
This blog platform has been a significant way of meeting and interacting with utmost amazing beautiful people who have created an indelible impact on my life journey from one day to another. They are generous hearts and souls delivering divine messages and reminders as if guide posts on the path, through their work and exchange of comment conversations, often year after year. I hope to find the ability and inspiration to share about each one who has been a contribution to me. You know who you are. An humble bow of gratitude to you.
Today I want to share about one such beautiful blogger friend, Tamara Kulish.
“Do what you want and what you enjoy – this seemed like the most revolutionary advice I gave myself at one time I remember. The sense of self-worth when not independent of others’ expectations, we lose our sense of Being and keep choosing to do things to satisfy some external standards. Your post is one perfect statement after another.”
Dear Tamara responded to the above by saying:
“We have both learned the value of doing this in our lives, you earlier in life than I did, but it’s wonderful when anyone does, whether earlier or later! There’s really no better time than now, for anyone contemplating this in their own life! It’s a truly liberating mind set!”
My heart all joyful with resonance and as if with a nod to her, I responded :
“The journey itself doesn’t see our earthly age. It is a joy to arrive when we arrive and a delight to meet your own tribe on the same path.”
Tamara then generously shone her bright light on this statement of mine and made it into a quote in this post: Your soul is the place within you that is timeless, ageless, and eternal She gifted my words back to me, to take this beautiful and powerful form, as you see in the quote image at the top. I hope you enjoyed and found value in our interaction that I chose to share, in similar fashion of her post.
Please visit Tamara Kulish to know of her expansive work of books and journals published in the area of self-discovery, personal development, finding happiness and fulfillment. Her blog posts are a treasure, each one, with her honest authentic sharing and inspiring perspectives.
You look to my eyes and search for envy I invite you to look deeper You will find sadness for what I see in your eyes
I look to your eyes and you just look away…
Envy is an inescapable human trait. Provoking envy as a motive hurts the spirit of all involved. Sharing the joy of our Being lifts the spirit of all involved.
Envy & Inspiration – a past article on how I learned to turn my envy into inspiration from experiences from my very young age.
I gave you valid respect for your given role in my life. I will never falter in that. I became weak, I cried. You scolded, told me to become strong. I did. You can’t stand me now.
I have no desire for power games. Each time you try to make me small, I hurt a bit, a lot and then just become tall. I desire respect for who I am and regard for my personal growth.
I shared with you that genuineness in relationships is required for me. You explained how I am being unreasonable. You thought you helped me understand. Sadly, I understood what you said.
I said it is important to show more care for each other. Soon it became a game of guilt-tripping grievances, while flaunting privileges. I wasn’t interested in those. I quit engaging. I am learning to be ok.
I kept my stories positive. I didn’t share what I really struggled & triumphed through. Validated, empathized and supported you inside out. You took me for granted and declared that I am lucky I have it all so easy. I am learning to find a balance.
You have given me a lot of goodness, helped in times of need. I expressed profound gratitude at every opportunity. I am done being made indebted to you forever. I perhaps bring no other value to you.
You praised my spiritual writing in public and in person. Then you said I was foolish to actually attempt to live what I wrote. I need to be loyal to my own word. I think you should have no say in that.
I have acknowledged both your struggles and your privileges without agenda and envy. I think I have suffered enough humanly, if that’s the competition we are in, to prove our worth. I now go for continual joy and gratitude. You preach me positivity while pointedly reminding me of my lack. I become weak only because I care and want to trust you.
You are so so lovely, I would love to create some fun moments with you, instead of you trying to make me jealous with other people. I wish we are truly that which we take turns trying to become/show. Have a cup of smiles, perhaps with some sweet, bitter, hot, perfect brew. I want us to speak easy and true, or then why bother with the façade/role play?
Praise is not the expectation behind any of my action. Love is the intention behind all I say and do. I feel deeply. I mean what I say. Your mixed layers of what you say, what you really mean and you intend to convey something underneath saying something in the perfect nice words – it is exhausting to me.
Respect & Love exist as attitudes, trickling into action and words. Certainly not true when the words are claimed, assumed, imagined, explained. All this while continually invalidating others’ feelings, in the guise of wanting to make them strong and positive.
These are things I have tried hard not to say.
Today I decided to get them out of the way. I am not perfect, made my own human mistakes. I am working my way through. All this is what I really think sometimes, before I work diligently at letting go of expectations and acceptance of what is.
When emotional I am often unskilled at expressing, wanting to keep the love and kindness, fearing loss of relations. It is ok I think now, to say what I really mean without trying to make it into something nice. It is ok to love myself as much as anyone else.
I am learning to become unapologetically myself, still humble and authentic, valuing positivity and peace, yet more unapologetically myself. All my heart feels is Love in this moment and I am willing to grow to be able to live it to the fullest extent of it.
Post Update because of some comments I am getting : This is not about a single person in my life. I share a good marriage with my husband – we grow together as individuals. This is a compilation of various journeys with multipleinteractions in life. Not an exact experience of this moment but a description of cumulative experiences I have been working through. A venting of how I think relations work in some ways in society, that I am growing out of very clearly, and felt the nudge to put it out in the Universe for anyone who might find it helpful and mark my own journey ahead.
Related posts from the past, if you feel inclined –
Infinite Living 