I gave you valid respect for your given role in my life. I will never falter in that. I became weak, I cried. You scolded, told me to become strong. I did. You can’t stand me now.
I have no desire for power games. Each time you try to make me small, I hurt a bit, a lot and then just become tall. I desire respect for who I am and regard for my personal growth.
I shared with you that genuineness in relationships is required for me. You explained how I am being unreasonable. You thought you helped me understand. Sadly, I understood what you said.
I said it is important to show more care for each other. Soon it became a game of guilt-tripping grievances, while flaunting privileges. I wasn’t interested in those. I quit engaging. I am learning to be ok.
I kept my stories positive. I didn’t share what I really struggled & triumphed through. Validated, empathized and supported you inside out. You took me for granted and declared that I am lucky I have it all so easy. I am learning to find a balance.
You have given me a lot of goodness, helped in times of need. I expressed profound gratitude at every opportunity. I am done being made indebted to you forever. I perhaps bring no other value to you.
You praised my spiritual writing in public and in person. Then you said I was foolish to actually attempt to live what I wrote. I need to be loyal to my own word. I think you should have no say in that.
I have acknowledged both your struggles and your privileges without agenda and envy. I think I have suffered enough humanly, if that’s the competition we are in, to prove our worth. I now go for continual joy and gratitude. You preach me positivity while pointedly reminding me of my lack. I become weak only because I care and want to trust you.
You are so so lovely, I would love to create some fun moments with you, instead of you trying to make me jealous with other people. I wish we are truly that which we take turns trying to become/show. Have a cup of smiles, perhaps with some sweet, bitter, hot, perfect brew. I want us to speak easy and true, or then why bother with the façade/role play?
Praise is not the expectation behind any of my action. Love is the intention behind all I say and do. I feel deeply. I mean what I say. Your mixed layers of what you say, what you really mean and you intend to convey something underneath saying something in the perfect nice words – it is exhausting to me.
Respect & Love exist as attitudes, trickling into action and words. Certainly not true when the words are claimed, assumed, imagined, explained. All this while continually invalidating others’ feelings, in the guise of wanting to make them strong and positive.
These are things I have tried hard not to say.
Today I decided to get them out of the way. I am not perfect, made my own human mistakes. I am working my way through. All this is what I really think sometimes, before I work diligently at letting go of expectations and acceptance of what is.
When emotional I am often unskilled at expressing, wanting to keep the love and kindness, fearing loss of relations. It is ok I think now, to say what I really mean without trying to make it into something nice. It is ok to love myself as much as anyone else.
I am learning to become unapologetically myself, still humble and authentic, valuing positivity and peace, yet more unapologetically myself. All my heart feels is Love in this moment and I am willing to grow to be able to live it to the fullest extent of it.
Post Update because of some comments I am getting : This is not about a single person in my life. I share a good marriage with my husband – we grow together as individuals. This is a compilation of various journeys with multipleinteractions in life. Not an exact experience of this moment but a description of cumulative experiences I have been working through. A venting of how I think relations work in some ways in society, that I am growing out of very clearly, and felt the nudge to put it out in the Universe for anyone who might find it helpful and mark my own journey ahead.
Related posts from the past, if you feel inclined –
Because now It is impossible to fake a smile Because now I am inwardly happy in my heart Because now I love myself with all of how I am
Because I wish the same for you Because I wish we meet with exactly how we feel Because I wish to discover how One we are
That is Why …
While I was contemplating if I will ever write again …actually I have a lot of writing and ideas ready …so more if I will ever feel the urge to post again, and while navigating what feels like a transition in my way of being, the feeling of wanting to create this quote image brings up so much joy in me. I closed my eyes to call for what I wanted to put these words on, I saw that I wanted them to go on a path that looked like a scroll opening towards me. I started looking through albums of personal photographs and found this perhaps accidental click by my husband on a nature trail.
Growing up I felt a lack in me for not being good at art – drawing, painting, singing, dancing, anything. As an adult I discovered that there is an art to words and life itself. And the skill emerges when I keep living authentically. These text images that I have come to love creating are my art and my heart. They are what they are and they are how they wanted to come through me. I don’t know how they should be, to be good. It makes me very happy if you really like them.
I loved the process of editing the original picture for this quote image. I first settled on this effect above. I thought it mimicked the feeling that these words bring to me.
I do not have any training or skills for editing. While playing around with tools further I stumbled upon more dramatic effects that could be created. Another version of this above image got more appreciated by few friends and family that I shared with, while comparing the 2.
They actually made me feel very proud of my patience and creativity in getting those results. They convinced me of no other choice but to post that one because of how good it was. I truly enjoyed their excitement …until I was about to publish this post.
Both the versions with exact same picture and words invoked a very different feeling. What I had landed at originally, and posted above, seemed to come from a gentle quiet mind. The other felt loud and from a crowded mind.
I shared my dilemma and I am told to be willing to disappoint my dear ones but not to disappoint myself. I decided to stay true to myself and post my choice.
I am smiling in wonder about how my choices get shaped with what the opinions of my close ones are. I wonder how it is going to be, to keep moving forward with how I feel versus what seems more appreciated or attractive in the world in general.
For now I am sharing with you exactly how I feel and nothing more 🙂 Please let me know what you think about the image & quote above.
It was a delight reading Choose Love not Hate. Kindly visit this blogger friend’s site for his heartfelt work.
Author Josiah Harry elevates the concept of Love from the very reduced versions of the meaning of love that we tend to live with. He dives deeply in all facets of human love – Self, parental, familial, partner, emotional, spiritual. He explores the most personal to societal implications of how we perceive love.
Love when felt to the fullest connects us to the essence of humanity itself. The capacity to hate points to our own limitations within – yet there is a dilemma of how do we tackle the unfair. Josiah brings home all of it in a very thought provoking manner.
Energy of the Souls is what we interact with
When we connect with other Beings
Some resonate so intense that you feel you know them well
Yet you don’t know anything about their worldly life
Their joys and their pains
They are tagless undefined divine relations
Best nurtured through time and patience
For their virtue is their expansiveness
And their infiniteness!
They will seek out the best in other
Until the egos interfere
Wanting to define and box
Fit in nicely like a cozy socks
Let go of all the strive
And let the energies thrive
What you see in other through worldly eyes is not the Whole
What you see as a whole is actually the Soul!