About Being Myself

Photo of Moon by myself

Growing up around a lot of extended family and friends who were more affluent than my family was, I never really had envy. It was a matter of fact for me that you have some things that I don’t. I remember once a cousin who owned all the latest CDs, excitedly sharing with me about it, apologized to me “oh I didn’t know, I am so sorry you don’t have a CD player.” As if I lacked a family member, I thought. I just responded “Why sorry, I just don’t have a CD player.” I think I simply enjoyed the feeling of abundance they enjoyed and was very much interested in their life. I can have all that some day I imagined and yet never really prioritized having ‘things’ in my life.

What I craved was people, authentic people. I looked for genuine care and unconditional love, and struggled to fit in, wherever I went. I didn’t know that though. So I envied the confidence in people. Often being affluent made people more confident in the world – like they owned the world in some ways I didn’t. I mistook it as something being wrong with me. It didn’t cross my mind that money made the difference. They kept showing the riches to me, I kept looking at it and saying to myself “yes but I want to become like you, be more confident in being myself”

I was amused to realize that my life long quest of living as authentically as possible, has this root in my envy for confident people and those with artistic abilities. That is how I discovered that what I think of envy is actually my admiration for people who can express themselves in ways I can only dream of.

My honesty and vulnerability in my quest for authenticity was repeatedly taken for my weakness, and that became a further blow to my confidence. I am emerging from that too. I have nothing to prove to anyone as much as I owe to myself, the gift of being myself. This is one journey that I have mastered very well and yet always be a beginner forever on the way. I have discovered that I can be way more courageous than just confident.

I love and admire people who have what I don’t have in me yet.
I keep learning to love myself more and more with all my perceived shortcomings.
It gives me a renewed taste of newfound freedom continually.

I wished to highlight these lines above from my previous post as a reminder to myself for everywhere I am not living this in every fiber of my being. I am committed to waking up with more love and freedom in being myself for the rest of my life. I also know that I will have days when I falter and slide away from this commitment, and wake up in judgment and fear instead. I feel immense gratitude for being in association with those who model greater faith, trust, capacity, resilience and joy of living and being alive. They fill my day and life with abundance and blessings. I get to borrow from them what I might wake up lacking for the day. I consciously practice filling my cup and then rejoice in gratitude when I can be a channel of support to others.

A Similar Post : Envy & Inspiration

More on the topic
5 lines about Envy : Envy & What can Be
Thought image: Eyes Look Longingly
Short poems:
Here, Take them All
Parallel Disappointment
Show up with your gifts

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Eyes Look Longingly

Photo by myself

You look to my eyes
and search for envy
I invite you to look deeper
You will find sadness
for what I see in your eyes

I look to your eyes
and you just look away…

Envy is an inescapable human trait. Provoking envy as a motive hurts the spirit of all involved. Sharing the joy of our Being lifts the spirit of all involved.

Envy & Inspiration – a past article on how I learned to turn my envy into inspiration from experiences from my very young age.

Other related posts:

Here, Take them All – my favorite on this topic, a short poem
Envy & What can Be – short post of 5 lines
Parallel Disappointment – short poem

Envy & Inspiration

Photograph: Atanu Chakraborty “Reach out Into what Calls You”

I have been aware of the energy of envy since a very young age. In today’s times of social media, it has become all the more palpable. I think envy is simply the face of I-WANT-THAT. And I see nothing inherently wrong in it. I actually love to meet people that I start to feel a tinge of envy about. I like to actually share with them that I envy them for some particular aspect. By the time I know enough about them, I always find some genuine inspiration and there is no place for the green.

As a little girl, it was confusing for me to have the sense of self-worth mixed with the proportion of affluence. At some level, things seemed pretty simple to me …you have some things, and I don’t! But as the feeling of lack started creeping in, I slowly learnt to imbibe the energy of people around me who took pleasure in owning things, which I thought I would love to have too!

I learned to desire and trust that I will have all that I want and need.

Envy can hit us on all aspects of life like affluence, education, career, beauty, confidence. There is far more freedom in truly enjoying someone else’s happiness. If we look closely, each person’s asset could be their only true support system through this lifetime. People who seem to have it all very easily, are the ones who might have done the toughest groundwork to build their castle on. It can become very clear to us that we definitely do not want to be in anyone’s shoes. It can get really overwhelming to have to live all of the lives that we choose to envy. I now simply love the energy of the person who is truly enjoying something, be it money, faith, art, or love itself.

We open ourselves up for possibilities when we first enjoy the energies! We don’t have to have it all or live it all right now! And the freedom is even more when we realize that we truly didn’t need something we thought we did.

Someone said to me, “I envy a content smile, and wonder if it’s real or fake …” I say substitute the word envy with desire, I have now discovered that the content smile is the most important to want. There comes a time when all of us get tired of putting on smiles or wearing happiness on our faces. It is amazing when we can turn envy into inspiration! Simply go I want that content smile on me! Then look for what stops you from having it.

Envy just doesn’t feel good in the body, none of us enjoy not feeling good. Inspiration on the other hand feels amazing like the pulse of life itself. Don’t let anything touch you more than it serves you. You just need the energy of the person who has that smile, not that person’s life situation. You have your own life and magic to create for yourself. Trust your intention of love and service, and let go of all that won’t let you smile. Open yourself to new experiences, even if in the smallest possible way. Create space for that smile for yourself.

Regarding social media, some of us are not sharing the journey that brought us this kind of satisfaction, simply because bringing up that journey does not serve us more than sharing this smile. So use every smile to discover what’s really true for you. Smile …and always from the heart, look for it deeper when it doesn’t come from there. Every other aspect of life tends to follow a good genuine smile 🙂 Turn the green of envy into the red hot of desire to create for yourself …anything you want, really!!!

Originally published on December 2015

Recent short posts of few lines on envy: Envy & What can Be      Here, Take them All

Envy & What can Be

Photo: Manish Doshi “Just Be & Shine”

All that you envy, it is very possible to achieve

All that you can Be, is impossible for others to perceive

Simple reason to keep Being what you truly can Be

And that is how you might become the one envied

But then you become oblivious to the very concept of Envy

 

P.S. I think you will like another short one about Envy – Here, Take them All, if you haven’t already read it 🙂

This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects. Debbie Roth’s work here facilitates how we can truly Be with forgiveness and compassion.

Here, Take them All

Photo Credit : Atanu Chakraborty “The Beautiful one rests under the tree”

Your acts of Envy
Make us both feel small
Here take my feathers
Take them All
Put them wherever on you
And dance your dance
I will see what becomes
Of what’s left of mine

 

 

P.S. This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects from dear blogger Debbie.

Show up with your gifts

If you think that you know someone who flaunts
Step back and see what is it that daunts
If all of us wholeheartedly express
All that we tend to repress
Show up with all the best we have
Anything that helps feel bold and suave

Imagine what a world it would be
If each one is an inspiration to thee
There’s no worry of guard against envy
We carve our existence through
Expressions of joy, material and divine too

Take time to retreat within and cultivate
That which is hidden and you can create
Look at other’s gifts as deserved to them
Our gift is our love at helm

Each one can now parade on this stage
We are the performers
We are the audience of all age
No one to flaunt
No one to daunt
Our world is ours to create …

Envy & Inspiration

I have been aware of the energy of envy since a very young age. In today’s times of social media, it has become all the more palpable. I think envy is simply the face of I-WANT-THAT. And I see nothing inherently wrong in it. I actually love to meet people that I start to feel a tinge of envy about. I like to actually share with them that I envy them for some particular aspect. By the time I know enough about them, I always find some genuine inspiration and there is no place for the green.

As a little girl, it was confusing for me to have the sense of self-worth mixed with the proportion of affluence. At some level, things seemed pretty simple to me …you have some things, and I don’t! But as the feeling of lack started creeping in, I slowly learnt to imbibe the energy of people around me who took pleasure in owning things, which I thought I would love to have too! I simply learned to desire and trust that I will have all that I want and need.

Envy can hit us on all aspects of life like affluence, education, career, beauty, confidence … There is far more freedom in truly enjoying someone else’s happiness. If we look closely, each person’s asset could be their only true support system through this lifetime. People who seem to have it all very easily, are the ones who might have done the toughest groundwork to build their castle on. It can become very clear to us that we definitely do not want to be in anyone’s shoes. It can get really overwhelming to have to live all of the lives that we choose to envy. I now simply love the energy of the person who is truly enjoying something, be it money, faith, art, or love itself. We open ourselves up for possibilities when we first enjoy the energies! We don’t have to have it all or live it all right now! And the freedom is even more when we realize that we truly didn’t need something we thought we did.

Someone said to me, “I envy a content smile, and wonder if it’s real or fake …” I say substitute the word envy with desire, I have now discovered that the content smile is the most important to want. There comes a time when all of us get tired of putting on smiles or wearing happiness on our faces. It is amazing when we can turn envy into inspiration …simply go I want that content smile on me! Then look for what stops you from having it.

Envy just doesn’t feel good in the body, none of us enjoy not feeling good. Inspiration on the other hand feels amazing like the pulse of life itself. Don’t let anything touch you more than it serves you. You just need the energy of the person who has that smile, not that person’s life situation. You have your own life and magic to create for yourself. Trust your intention of love and service, and let go of all that won’t let you smile. Open yourself to new experiences, even if in the smallest possible way. Create space for that smile for yourself.

Regarding social media, some of us are not sharing the journey that brought us this kind of satisfaction, simply because bringing up that journey does not serve us more than sharing this smile. So use every smile to discover what’s really true for you. Smile …and always from the heart, look for it deeper when it doesn’t come from there. Every other aspect of life tends to follow a good genuine smile 🙂 Turn the green of envy into the red hot of desire to create for yourself …anything you want, really!!!