3 am Fear-Quake Seismic activity Not plates colliding More like River revolving Not flowing But like Pouring Out of the Heart cave To form a whirlpool In the belly Richter scale reading registered Incessantly in the brain Momentum of thoughts Keep pale awake Heavy eyes Floods they make Pulling the river Reversed From belly to cave Heartbeat Aftershocks Desolate search Breath rhythm found Richter Scale broken Blank Lost Quiet Grief No river Anymore Cave open To the ocean Of Being Belly becomes shore For the waves Of breathing Vision ships Awake sleeping Powerful release To all turmoil within
The process keeps going life beside you yearn for a bit longer respite A sense of having found a ground maybe for a day and yet again slip down Another layer being called to shed more, then called to show up and Be more
Allowing lower energy mind games to penetrate to become like others around to be able to relate Showing how attached still to comforts of certainty then suffering for not being your own self worthily
Feel and sense the divide happening Grief of as if current reality leaving Comes with having to keep going while still staying in your Being
Cusp of opening up from the guardedness feel the transition and rawness The waves keep coming yes you hope you can let go… Maybe this is how it looks like always you simply learn to breathe better in calmness
PS : This poem was composed sometime last year from my response to one of Sue Dreamwalker’s post on her profoundly inspirational blog Dreamwalker’s Sanctuary.I realized I had never published it.
The deep blue Ocean Clear waves Peaceful purity I watch I feel From the threshold Careful that I Don’t get wet So I can Turn back walk in home Engage with drama
I glance back at the blue It calls me back “Watch” it whispers Enormous tidal wave It drenches me Sweeps me off my feet I playfully give in Then come back to my threshold again The insistent blue wave Now peaks higher than the roof Breaks through the doors and windows Floods in through me and everything From the back of the house, out through the front Cleansing everything on the way Within me and the house I am amazed at, how clean and peaceful it feels Despite such powerful waves breaking in
And I am reminded ‘they’ will return soon The ones that I am not done playing with yet And their games have different rules So I close the windows and the doors The wave, like the romantic lunatic lover whispers “I won’t give up – now that you are wet, you can’t keep me out” I smile one way and annoyed in another Proceed to hold the door shut tight with all my strength The wave still pours in, flows through me, and the house This time it is careful, once inside the house, not to flow higher than my ankle Flows out the front silently, without the uproar unlike before ‘They’ arrive and I start explaining and convincing How I tried my best, with all my strength To hold the door, so no water comes in I just couldn’t do better than this
I was amazed again How they simply said “Oh the floor is wet” Fetched the mop and started mopping the floors I watched them from the corner All wet and floored at myself Wondering if they would ever want to know About that amazing blue ocean That visited this house Did they even notice That I am All Wet!
Perhaps I will just Allow myself To Hang dry As I help Them Mop and dry The floors Of the house.
I woke up recently with a sense as if I had had a profound experience, and slowly realized and recollected this vivid dream. I decided to write it down and this poem is how it got described. It gave me abundant clarity in my juggle and confusion in navigating my relations while allowing/resisting the waves of transformation that keep washing over me. I am in deep gratitude for the gift of healing and awakening afforded to me in this lifetime. All relations and interactions serve a purpose in this evolution towards embodying my authentic being. Emotions of guilt and grief tend to interfere when we first become aware of how we have been unknowingly contributing to false constructs and agreements of relations. Guilt for not keeping up with our end of the agreement any longer and grief for losing some comfortable ways of being, not being acknowledged for who we truly are. It is my personal responsibility to honor the truth of what the tidal wave brings me and continue to walk with that truth. This acceptance helps me smile and continue to engage with all my Love and Gratitude.
Did you relate to the poem in some way …similar or different? I would be honored to know.
I found myself in this tender raw space of being this past week. Outwardly I was functional for day to day life and inwardly I have been sliding down, what I now call, a healing hole. It is a messy, vulnerable experience every single time when that happens. You know the kind of unwellness that you feel and there is actually nothing really wrong in the present times? The kind that would convince you of your loneliness when actually what is true is the wisdom of being present with the aloneness in this process.
I felt assured that I will be guided and supported throughout. There was something within me that was almost thrilled at this opportunity of cleansing and renewal that it usually is. Knowing fully well it comes with much heart ache, tears and discomfort.
It can get pretty dark and lonely in the mind forest where you are clearing away the dense thicket of old beliefs, tendencies and old patterns. Some are so much our comfort zone yet a source of continual Dis-ease. I am not new to this geography of our mind for how we create our reality from all that we allow to grow here.
Just in case that I don’t lose myself fully in the seeming abyss, I made sure I informed few friends that I am feeling the urge to isolate. One soul friend accompanied me into my thickest and reminded me to remain in this human state of suffering only long enough that I am actually using it to clear out the old, and emerge renewed. The realities that we get stuck in, are mostly created in our mind by humans around. It is our responsibility to change that. She reinforced my connection with this Universe, my oneness with the Earth, the sky, the grass, so I could tap into the Infinite source to breathe and feel good where I am.
I found access to a deeper level of myself, that corner of my mind basement that had long gotten neglected. I had to shine the light on everywhere I was conforming at the cost of being my true self. I had to become comfortable to allow the chaos while I clear the space and make the required shifts to reclaim my power. It can feel very disruptive and scary, but then it is all in the mind. The only way out is through.
I am amused at my arrogance that I feel shocked initially for having to do this inner work yet again. Judging myself for getting hit with this intense a low. As I watched myself continue to slip deeper, I knew I had to surrender to the wave. I slowed down to the fullest. Giving myself full permission for zero productivity. It is surprising how all the necessary gets done with better quality of attention and satisfaction this way.
No matter who is available for us, these are lonesome stretches that we have to be willing to walk through, without mistaking it for being alone, or trying to escape it. Even though it might feel excruciatingly lonely while going through some of it. How we relate to family and society are constructs of our minds. The greatest support from our immediate family is the space for these individual journeys. Drawing boundaries around our personal well being is a necessity.
I marvel in gratitude at how richly beautiful this life is, how amazingly supported we are. AmyRose a divine friend from this blog world sensed where I am through my comment on her blog and wrote this to me, affirming powerfully –
“This journey all of us have been on is far from easy. We all have our good, bad, and then some iffy days. It takes practice acting like you and not how you have been conditioned to behave. You are fortunate you are learning this now, for the energies are creating the opportunities for you to grow rapidly. Always listen to your heart for it will not ever lead you wrong. You will know when you do or say or think something that is not lined up for your highest good because your Inner Guidance will not leave you alone until you rectify whatever it is that rubs your Golden Heart wrong. Be gentle with yourself ….” (Do visit Amy by clicking on her name above, you will find her photography, and authenticity incredible at the least! She inspires me, guides me through her work and words.)
Today I woke up with a very tender nascent feeling, as if I had managed to crawl back to the rim of the hole and now simply absorbing the light. I decided I will take a break from my every Monday blog post. I felt exhausted and absolutely blank about wanting to share anything. Then the following words popped up as FB memory, that I had posted on my wall exactly 6 years ago today in 2015, when I didn’t know what a blog meant and that I would be called a writer.
I felt charged with aliveness after reading these words, a bold reminder of how I have been here before. That I can restart small and slow. I decided to put those words on the burst of blooming pink flowers as you can see at the top of this post. I thought I would post just that image. Then I realized I do not want to only share the full bloom of the flowers. I also want to share about my experience of having gone underground into the dirt before I could find my own joy beginning to bloom again.
I trust the process always. It only gets better from here.
Original photos used for above images below
P.S. I am truly blessed to have your comments. I have been feeling a tug for not being able to visit your work as consistently as I would like in these few days. I will catch up on all that I miss, genuinely my loss as I love indulging in all the beautiful works by my friends here. Much Love & Gratitude.