Don’t try to fix What you see as Weakness in me You might be Messing with What is actually Strength in me Authenticity & Vulnerability
I admire you For your boldness Don’t judge me For my softness That’s how I hold you too Just like how I like to be held Kind & Compassionately
The WordPress community has played an enormous role in my ability to express Spirit’s voice and share my honest message in the world. I am continually empowered to show up with authenticity and vulnerability. To be heard and received unconditionally is a luxury imagined and unimagined. I am dedicated to this journey of showing up, to listen to every calling – big and small. Each time we show up we break some known and unknown barriers within. So here’s ‘Me’ humbly showing up to meet you in utmost Gratitude, and a new sense of sovereignty.
Earth, Water, Sunshine And a lazy afternoon Are enough for some flowers to bloom. What needs have I made significant to not be in gloom?
I decided to show up ‘in person’ to share my lazy afternoon thoughts with you 🙂
I am watching myself, my compulsions, my almost obsessive needs that take me away from this abundant life given to me. Nothing a bit of sunshine on a winter afternoon can’t fix, and yet I seem to easily get back to being fixated on that one thing missing, that one kind of love from that one relation – making me feel like an imposter for all the joy of gratitude and greater Love that I keep sharing.
I am watching myself, with the same Love that I keep yearning to give others and be reciprocated with. The trick is, I have learned, to turn it all inward, pour it in oneself, for Love has to be directed inside-out. That is only how it radiates outward, pours out and changes the molecules in the air and the people interacting with you. I just sometimes wish it didn’t have to be that way, it is so painful when I have to love myself in those spaces where I am so adamant I don’t want to love myself, and yet I know how much I do love myself, and just this part of it, I want it exactly as I want it. You know what I mean?
Earth, Water, Sunshine And a lazy afternoon Are enough for some flowers to bloom. What needs have I made significant to not be in gloom?
When suggestions are heard as criticism Followed by gaslighting & defensivism Criticism could be offered as suggestions Followed by choice for personal decisions It is often effective To speak in languages native To all that internal wiring Sparks that have grown old & tiring Need a lot of space for nurturing The grounds of self-loving & caring
My internal dialog when this came up to be posted for this week: “Really is this what you want to post? You have better thoughts, better words, better works to share! This?” Am I sensing judgment for what truly came out of nowhere and is clearly asking to be the one today?: “Well, does it even make sense?” “I think so… hope so…it is written and ready to go!” So here it is. I don’t know why but this needed to go today from my universe into yours. I would be humbled to know if it spoke or made sense to you.
Don’t be disappointed If someone doesn’t understand you
Just don’t go looking for milk In a hardware store! (~unknown)
P.S. Dear WP friends, on this lighter note, I am taking a blog break for the month of September …to go to all hardware stores… oh no, not really 🙂 …actually to spend time reintegrating myself, reorganizing life, spending time with family, do some housekeeping around the blogsite. I will perhaps not be able to stay completely away, so might come visit your work every now and then 🙂 Infinite gratitude for your support for Infinite Living.
Note: I had used the quote above in my post on May 30, 2017. It felt good to go on this break with it. I look forward to coming back regrouped and refreshed, perhaps hoping to have touched upon some spaces of lightness and fun!
Growing up around a lot of extended family and friends who were more affluent than my family was, I never really had envy. It was a matter of fact for me that you have some things that I don’t. I remember once a cousin who owned all the latest CDs, excitedly sharing with me about it, apologized to me “oh I didn’t know, I am so sorry you don’t have a CD player.” As if I lacked a family member, I thought. I just responded “Why sorry, I just don’t have a CD player.” I think I simply enjoyed the feeling of abundance they enjoyed and was very much interested in their life. I can have all that some day I imagined and yet never really prioritized having ‘things’ in my life.
What I craved was people, authentic people. I looked for genuine care and unconditional love, and struggled to fit in, wherever I went. I didn’t know that though. So I envied the confidence in people. Often being affluent made people more confident in the world – like they owned the world in some ways I didn’t. I mistook it as something being wrong with me. It didn’t cross my mind that money made the difference. They kept showing the riches to me, I kept looking at it and saying to myself “yes but I want to become like you, be more confident in being myself”
I was amused to realize that my life long quest of living as authentically as possible, has this root in my envy for confident people and those with artistic abilities. That is how I discovered that what I think of envy is actually my admiration for people who can express themselves in ways I can only dream of.
My honesty and vulnerability in my quest for authenticity was repeatedly taken for my weakness, and that became a further blow to my confidence. I am emerging from that too. I have nothing to prove to anyone as much as I owe to myself, the gift of being myself. This is one journey that I have mastered very well and yet always be a beginner forever on the way. I have discovered that I can be way more courageous than just confident.
I love and admire people who have what I don’t have in me yet. I keep learning to love myself more and more with all my perceived shortcomings. It gives me a renewed taste of newfound freedom continually.
I wished to highlight these lines above from my previous post as a reminder to myself for everywhere I am not living this in every fiber of my being. I am committed to waking up with more love and freedom in being myself for the rest of my life. I also know that I will have days when I falter and slide away from this commitment, and wake up in judgment and fear instead. I feel immense gratitude for being in association with those who model greater faith, trust, capacity, resilience and joy of living and being alive. They fill my day and life with abundance and blessings. I get to borrow from them what I might wake up lacking for the day. I consciously practice filling my cup and then rejoice in gratitude when I can be a channel of support to others.
I think it is ok not to smile Especially when Your cheeks are hurting From all the years of being nice
I think it is important to smile Especially when You now finally know How to be nice to yourself
I had made a post of similar theme in the past. I converted the short verse titled True Smile posted on Feb 2, 2018 into the image below:
Photo “Lone Kayak” by Manish Doshi
The numbness that we wear, in order to always smile Choosing not to feel the pain, with that practiced smile It is liberating to experience all there is, and not smile For the true joys of life do not necessitate that we smile One that comes from the heart and eyes is a true smile
Always grateful for your time and attention. The first image is what came fresh to me today and the verse in the second image reminds me of the cyclical nature of how these lessons and inspiration keep repeating to us in different ways. Look forward to knowing which one spoke to you better or what specifically.
You look to my eyes and search for envy I invite you to look deeper You will find sadness for what I see in your eyes
I look to your eyes and you just look away…
Envy is an inescapable human trait. Provoking envy as a motive hurts the spirit of all involved. Sharing the joy of our Being lifts the spirit of all involved.
Envy & Inspiration – a past article on how I learned to turn my envy into inspiration from experiences from my very young age.
I thought of meeting you face to face to share my happiness of this book that I am holding :)) Some of my poetry is published as part of this collection, alongside poetry from some amazing poets that I have come to admire and adore for their absolutely magical art of words. It is available on Amazon for download on Kindle here for $0.99. Do check it out to see its description and if it interests you.
Step Into the New You – image sourced from the India Currents article
And in another little celebration and I am thrilled to share with you that an article of mine was selected by a community media platform India Currents to be published as part of their January theme – Renewal : You and the World around You. I chose to focus on my favorite topic, you can read it here: Step Into the New… You. I would love to know your thoughts on it.
Heartfelt Gratitude for all your support, reading and meaningful interactions that has afforded me tremendous growth as a person and this journey with words as a writer. It is more like pouring these surges of expression that come and what a privilege to be read and received! These tiny expansions of publishing in the outer world are a spillover of all the love in this inner world of WP where I first dipped my toes and then kept swimming in this world of writing and sharing.
I used to remain small to keep others comfortable They did console themselves that I am nobody big
I am nobody big I am no small either
There is a big difference…
I wish us all to continue to live with the truth of our being, with courage and compassion in relation to each other. I found this in the corners of my old drafts, while I was looking for something else. I enjoyed reading it back to myself and thought I should share it 🙂
Sure
I will eat my words
So they don't bother you
I will eat them all
So I don't look for
morsels of your approval
Question is
Will you be able to
Drink my silence?
This is the original picture that I used for the above image. The lake was frozen solid in silence and clarity –
Yosemite NP, December 2016
Wishing you all a beautiful transition through this powerful winter solstice, may the darkness take you into rich silence, ushering a renewed peace & harmony in your being.
Infinite Living 