Finding My Balance

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Golden Sunrise at Sea by Atanu Chakraborty

I find a place…for my elbow to rest on. A platform that is a good space to give me relief. My elbow finds balance on a solid surface, my head rests in my palm sideways. My mind finds some moments of peace.

The platform turns out to be a floating piece. It starts to shift, putting my elbow and my rest, out of balance. I could rely on it but only for a while.

Pulses of life, stir through the surroundings of the iceberg where I was resting my elbow. The solidity of the iceberg now seems shaken.

Shock of the coldness hits my face as the elbow slides off. I am thrown out of my comfort space.

I have been seeking concepts and beliefs and relations and interactions to depend on, for balance. To rely on, when challenged. Only to find out that they are all floating icebergs.

Lean on anything a bit too much, and you plunge into the cold deep abyss of the sea of truthful revelations, eventually.

Some icebergs are memories that we escape to. Trying to find any semblance of joy or pleasure or balance or support that we felt at a different time. As all icebergs, this one too, serves only for a while.

I have sought it in persons and relationships sometimesOnly that I am an iceberg for others too, sought out to balance some need in them. Oftentimes, each ends up blaming the other iceberg, for not staying steady and still, for them to lean on.

I decide to walk on to dry grounds, with none of the unreliable icebergs around to entice me. There are trees to rest under and the lush grass on solid ground, looks fulfilling. I will now depend on the nurturing Mother Earth to hold me, to support me. I find rest in the shade under a vibrant tree.

It seems like I have found my solace and semblance of balance that I can finally rely on. Only until …the winds start howling and the skies turn dark and shower me with piercing drops of revelations, leaving me drenched in the cold again.

Sometimes it wasn’t even the furious weather that left me all lost on the face of the planet. My own thoughts could create a tornado within, that left me as if, there is no ground to stand on.

“Where do I really rest? Mother Earth! Where on earth can I just rest?” I cried in despair, kneeling down with my head hung low.

Mother Earth, as if smiled, while continuing her own journey through the void, around the sun, not knowing what, comets and storms and humans, might hurl at her, at any time.

Nothing seems to be at rest. Relentless movement. We go on while coloring our perception with the illusion of support and stability.

At times, memories of someone and the conversations, color our days or months. Giving a sense of balance to the emptiness in the place we call home. The home that stands on the compassion of the planet and it’s time bound stability.

There are times I am totally present with those physically with me. And I become aware of the hurricanes within them, uprooting my sense of balance.

I also often become dependent on other people for my soul nourishment and direction to my human mind. Every time I become completely dependent, that iceberg plops under.

In my sane mind I realize that they have gone away seeking their own nourishment, or might have faltered their own of self depletion. In my human mind I sometimes blame them for not being there for me anymore.

After many such hurricanes and toppling under of icebergs, I finally realize there is this vast ocean of space within me. The more I dive into the center of it, the more stability I find.

I begin to sit with myself more often, without leaning.

I feel more grounded as I allow a deep breath in, into the expansiveness of my being, and empty it out from the core of my being, as softly and smoothly as I can. The more I rely on my own ability, to glide on the current of the life force, flowing through me with the breath, the more rooted I get in the stability of my own being. The platform I lean on is not tangible yet so plausible.

A sense of trust and surrender and choices of possibility and tremendous courage, gives me an easy resolve of steadiness, and the experience of innate balance.

I wobble at times, escape into known comforts sometimes, fear the unknown darkness sometimes, and then find my balance again, as I recognize it all for what it is.

The darkness is pure nothing until I fill it with something. Its spirit is illuminated with each breath and awareness that comes. The silence is rich with the knowing and the perceiving and the feeling that guides me, unless it is purely divine silence.

A warmth develops within me, that balances out the coldness of any sharp revelations. It flows through me, which feels like love in some form or kind.

That’s how, I find my center and balance, time and again, until I fall off, time and again …

 

Originally published in This Glorious Mess on Medium

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Ablaze with Truth

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‘ABLAZE’  – Photo by Manish Doshi

 

It is a visceral feeling.
The emotion of anger.
It feels like an old one. It is so physical as if ablaze.
That block, the lead block right on the core of my heart, it is heavily burrowing down. Into the deep abyss of my being.
Get it offf now!

I am angry. I am angry about smiling through it all …all these years.
I am angry that I had such positivity. ..all these years.
I am angry I had so much love and the need for love in me that I overlooked and even enjoyed this same thing.
I am angry that I wasn’t angry the first time this happened.

I am speaking the truth regarding this for the first time.
The truth that I had no idea of. The truth that was buried deep down to fulfill my other needs.
That’s it.
It has been my choice all along. To smile through it. To keep finding what is right in it. To hold it in my pot of love.

Today it is me who has changed.
It is me who has become aware of my hidden truth.

I am actually ablaze with this revelation.
With no skill whatsoever to contain it and express it, it has come as anger.

It is still visceral …yet it has changed.
The blaze has softened. I have finally seen it and honored it for what it is.
The iron block on my heart, still there.
It is so much of grief and guilt over my unskilled expression of my truth.
My assumption that it is wrong to feel this anger. That it is wrong to feel this bad, about something I accepted as normal, all my life.

Awakening to my own truth and suddenly choosing it and living it, is a very raw experience.
As if a rebirth into another person.
Definitely an unexpected guest, often an unpleasant one, in the lives of those accustomed to my smiling through it.
I decide to accept my anger for what it is.
I give myself permission to feel the human emotion of anger.

It came as a visceral wave of awakening and it has passed.
I am left with this heavy brick on my heart
I pour love for myself. Hold myself with compassion.

It is amazing to physically feel the brick soften.
And now melt and diffuse.
I feel space. I feel a soft strength.
There is a freshness in the way of my being.
There is a quiet quiet space of being.
Soothing and healing and forgiving.
I will stay immersed in this silence today.

 

P.S. This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of dear blogger Debbie. My wish is of self healing and forgiving through the process of becoming aware of our own Truth.

This post was originally published at This Glorious Mess on Medium

Silent Communication

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Photo : Pragalbha Doshi, Editing : Vikram Phale

We know there is so much to say to each other
Yet at times we don’t, a word utter

We came here with a soul contract
What makes us then at times retract

There are puzzling times trying to decide
Whether to say it or let it slide

There are other times of peace
When past spoken words bring ease

There is a feeling of contentment
After what feels like communication silent

There is relief in the assumption
The other knows exactly in intention

All that was left unsaid
So much that was often withheld

There is sometimes this entire conversation
In that which is silent communication

Silent Reflection

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Photograph by Pragalbha Doshi

This silence
This silence today
It is a rich one

This silence
This silence in this moment
It is full

This silence
This silence right now
It is empty

This silence
This silence quiet
It is a new one

Heart feels to the brim
Soul seeks nothing
Wisdom knows, this is no whim

My existence wants to stay still
Not reaching nor releasing
Words any don’t suffice or fulfill

All lessons learned until
Are to be made into living
There is no sense of striving

Being with myself isn’t excruciating
Yet this silence is something
That would want to unload some desiring

This silence
This silence today
It is revealing

There is indeed
A contentment underneath
A clarity from without and within

Recognize Yourself

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Recognize yourself
Before needing to be recognized
By anyone, in any way

Recognize yourself

That you are the center of your Universe
Yet, in the pulse of life, a mere particle

Recognize yourself

As the grandeur of existence itself
Yet, in the grandeur of existence, a mere corpuscle

A home with no walls

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Image created by Josiah Harry of Skylarity

Have you ever been in a home like this?
There are close to 50 people in there.
Yet the experience is such that all there is, is space.
Like there are no walls to that home.
The whole universe seems to have opened up …or maybe the home has opened to the space of the Universe.
I was there with a friend who took me to that home. I didn’t know anyone else.
Everyone was so silent and just spacious within …they were just being their pure being.
If eyes met, the most heartful smiles came.
Regulars just melted into purest, warmest hugs …as if knowing what is to be received and/or given.
I venture into the ‘speaking’ area (the living room). You come here if you wish to converse.
Everyone just pure divine energy.
No name, no game, no status, no apparatus, no conclusion, no exclusion.
Isn’t this why we visit temples?
Here each person I spoke to was a temple visited.
I was immersed in the most precious ways of being and conveying and receiving and giving.
Without giving or receiving a thing that I can hold on to.
Yet what was given and received is part of me for this lifetime.
The food served, to be eaten in silence, was just one of the ingredients of nourishment.

We walk around with so many walls …of our name, profession, our beliefs, concepts.
These walls are so much a necessity to bang on, as we keep living.
But what felt like life itself was the perception of no walls.
We walk around striving to be normal …or striving to be extra ordinary.
But what we are, are pure miraculous specks of being.
I am in awe of how these experiences become possible for me …as I keep waking up to a new day of wonder …of what I know are pure soul interactions on a daily basis, just so perfectly waiting to happen.
I began writing on this blog platform with the concept called Infinite Living,
Not knowing it is actually being lived so profoundly …
I left knowing that I will always be supported in my strive to embody Infinite Living.

P.S. This post is dedicated with gratitude to Awakin Circles of ServiceSpace. I am grateful to my friend with whom I spent one evening here.