I used to remain small
to keep others comfortable
They did console themselves
that I am nobody bigI am nobody big
I am no small eitherThere is a big difference…
I wish us all to continue to live with the truth of our being, with courage and compassion in relation to each other. I found this in the corners of my old drafts, while I was looking for something else. I enjoyed reading it back to myself and thought I should share it 🙂
2020 is a long year.
And yet it is already mid-November 2020.
My 15 year old said to me the other day “I can’t imagine living to 80 or 90 year old. That is just too much. I feel like I am on this Earth for too long already. I think it is tiring to keep living that long” He had said the exact same thing when he was 13 too.
I was speechless as to how to respond both times and a bit saddened that he thinks so. It took us few more conversations to arrive at the conclusion that the more we live to deliver to the expectations of social constructs, more tedious it seems to keep living.
I explained to him that I actually feel very young and I am forever learning something, growing, waiting to begin my life as if, and find that this lifetime wouldn’t be enough for what I think is possible. He explained to me that he doesn’t have time to think all that after attending school for 6 hours and working at assignments for another 5 or more hours. Then all we did was nod and smile at each other for what we had realized for ourselves.
The days are very long for my son who is in high school. The days can seem very short for me as I juggle my time between family chores and my personal pursuits. It can easily become overwhelming if I try to figure out what I should be doing. Most answers come from definitions of success and other conditioning. I have come to value Being – being at peace and joy and ease through anything that I am doing. This in itself becomes difficult at times as it involves setting boundaries and clearing attachment to certain ways of being.
It is a continuous process of discovery “What do I really want to do today?” that seems in alignment with me being my authentic self, in this moment and situation. Because life is very short really, to spend it any other way.
Dear friends and readers, I have made a friendly commitment to myself to post here every Monday. So I showed up today and simply decided to share what was lingering within and accessible to be expressed in words. I am absolutely thrilled to see if you have any thoughts to share with me on what became this post 🙂
P.S :
Related post : Be-Come
Another conversation with my son when he was 11 : An attempt at success?
Things I have tried hard not to say:
I gave you valid respect for your given role in my life. I will never falter in that. I became weak, I cried. You scolded, told me to become strong. I did. You can’t stand me now.
I have no desire for power games. Each time you try to make me small, I hurt a bit, a lot and then just become tall. I desire respect for who I am and regard for my personal growth.
I shared with you that genuineness in relationships is required for me. You explained how I am being unreasonable. You thought you helped me understand. Sadly, I understood what you said.
I said it is important to show more care for each other. Soon it became a game of guilt-tripping grievances, while flaunting privileges. I wasn’t interested in those. I quit engaging. I am learning to be ok.
I kept my stories positive. I didn’t share what I really struggled & triumphed through. Validated, empathized and supported you inside out. You took me for granted and declared that I am lucky I have it all so easy. I am learning to find a balance.
You have given me a lot of goodness, helped in times of need. I expressed profound gratitude at every opportunity. I am done being made indebted to you forever. I perhaps bring no other value to you.
You praised my spiritual writing in public and in person. Then you said I was foolish to actually attempt to live what I wrote. I need to be loyal to my own word. I think you should have no say in that.
I have acknowledged both your struggles and your privileges without agenda and envy. I think I have suffered enough humanly, if that’s the competition we are in, to prove our worth. I now go for continual joy and gratitude. You preach me positivity while pointedly reminding me of my lack. I become weak only because I care and want to trust you.
You are so so lovely, I would love to create some fun moments with you, instead of you trying to make me jealous with other people. I wish we are truly that which we take turns trying to become/show. Have a cup of smiles, perhaps with some sweet, bitter, hot, perfect brew. I want us to speak easy and true, or then why bother with the façade/role play?
Praise is not the expectation behind any of my action. Love is the intention behind all I say and do. I feel deeply. I mean what I say. Your mixed layers of what you say, what you really mean and you intend to convey something underneath saying something in the perfect nice words – it is exhausting to me.
Respect & Love exist as attitudes, trickling into action and words. Certainly not true when the words are claimed, assumed, imagined, explained. All this while continually invalidating others’ feelings, in the guise of wanting to make them strong and positive.
These are things I have tried hard not to say.
Today I decided to get them out of the way. I am not perfect, made my own human mistakes. I am working my way through. All this is what I really think sometimes, before I work diligently at letting go of expectations and acceptance of what is.
When emotional I am often unskilled at expressing, wanting to keep the love and kindness, fearing loss of relations. It is ok I think now, to say what I really mean without trying to make it into something nice. It is ok to love myself as much as anyone else.
I am learning to become unapologetically myself, still humble and authentic, valuing positivity and peace, yet more unapologetically myself. All my heart feels is Love in this moment and I am willing to grow to be able to live it to the fullest extent of it.
Post Update because of some comments I am getting : This is not about a single person in my life. I share a good marriage with my husband – we grow together as individuals. This is a compilation of various journeys with multiple interactions in life. Not an exact experience of this moment but a description of cumulative experiences I have been working through. A venting of how I think relations work in some ways in society, that I am growing out of very clearly, and felt the nudge to put it out in the Universe for anyone who might find it helpful and mark my own journey ahead.
Related posts from the past, if you feel inclined –
Prose :
Downsides of Gratitude?
Truthfulness, kindness & the dumbness of it all!
Rhymes :
I Certainly Will …
Photo: Manish Doshi
Often this is true
We tend to extend our vim & vigor
For those needing a caress to their ego
We seem to unknowingly waffle & waver
For those who make our hearts glow
We tend to put those encounters aside
The ones that were so brilliantly easy
We seem to disregard & mis-recognize
The ones that have no drama necessary
And often this is true
Both have the instant bond, not of this world
No insistence or expectation, uncanny trust furled
Both respect the other’s life journey exceedingly
“The other understands” they both know with certainty
At times longingly each could use the other’s company
They tread their own paths, carved differently
Each cheering the other, steadily following destiny
They have met in this lifetime beyond perfectly
Which one is familiar to you?
This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of Forgiving Connects, a precious blog space of acceptance & forgiving.
Photo Credit : Atanu Chakraborty “Sunrise at  Havelock, Andamans”
About chance meetings of perfection
We are either blobs of messes that encounter perfectly
Or then a piece of perfection untangled out of a mess
Sometimes both true at the same time
It is how we intersect as part of humanity
About chance meetings of perfection
We either skillfully carve our personal journey
Or then truthfully honor the other’s story
Sometimes both true at the same time
It is how we raise the bar of humanity
About chance meetings of perfection
We either expect them to be exhilarating in experience
Or then try to escape those that bring deep reflection
Sometimes both true at the same time
It is how we have blinding views of humanity
About chance meetings of perfection
We either get trapped in the glory
Or then tend to repulse some misery
Sometimes both true at the same time.
It is how we have all the confusion in humanity
About chance meetings of perfection
We either look for them outside of the relations we have
Or then treat the relations we already have as differently
Sometimes both true at the same time
It is how we have suffering in humanity
About chance meetings of perfection
We either see each of our relations in similar view
(parents, siblings, spouses, such bound)
Or enjoy the brilliance of other special few
(those that intersect out of nowhere, really unbound)
Sometimes both true at the same time
It is how we allow the grace of humanity
About chance meetings of perfection
We either acknowledge the divine interventions
Or lead a seemingly undeserving existence
All big and small daily interactions
All long and short term relations
Make the perfect design of all of humanity
I offer this poem in Gratitude to every single human and soul that has crossed my path in this lifetime, and made a direct or indirect impact on my Being here ..
This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects, blog of profound work by Debbie Roth.
Photo Credit : Manish Doshi
When they prefer to talk About you
Instead of talking To you
Know that you are headed elsewhere
Keep going through the lone and confusing times
Discover some amazing life and incredible people
I truly believe that you will
The photo is by my husband on Kauai island 🙂
This is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects, much Love to you dear Debbie. This is my message to urge everyone to keep going with love, forgiveness and acceptance for ourselves and the choices of others towards us.
Photo Credit: Manish Doshi
Is this Waterfall Big or Small?
I used to remain small to keep others comfortable
That’s how we were used to being, relative to each other
Now
I feel nobody big
I feel nobody small either
There is a big difference…
*Kindly excuse me as I will be a bit delayed in getting back to your kind comments, in a day or two surely.
P.S. This is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects that promotes healing through forgiving of our judgments and limitations.
It was a delight reading Choose Love not Hate. Kindly visit this blogger friend’s site for his heartfelt work.
Author Josiah Harry elevates the concept of Love from the very reduced versions of the meaning of love that we tend to live with. He dives deeply in all facets of human love – Self, parental, familial, partner, emotional, spiritual. He explores the most personal to societal implications of how we perceive love.
Love when felt to the fullest connects us to the essence of humanity itself. The capacity to hate points to our own limitations within – yet there is a dilemma of how do we tackle the unfair. Josiah brings home all of it in a very thought provoking manner.
Photo Credit: Manish Doshi
It is amusing to watch back at myself
Trying to become this and that
As good possible and then the best
To become that part of the puzzle
That would fit perfectly in this world
Until I learned to feel and listen to my heart
Simply Be that which I am in my soul
This garment I am weaving will never be done
Because it is this life itself that I am living
I love how perfectly it fits me exactly where I am
Yes life now fits me perfectly
Now that I have stopped trying to fit in …
P.S. This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects
Photo Credit: Manish Doshi
I am told …
My Realness is Intimidating
That they don’t know what to do with me
I don’t know what to do with that …
