I am so absolutely dissatisfied forever and yet have this absolute contentment in me for my life – How is it even working out?
I am greatly amused at this thought that I am pondering about.
There are days I wake up with such waves of desires and aspirations pulsating within – all I can do is hold myself in stillness so I can watch where the currents are taking me. Sometimes I marvel at the glimpses of possibilities shown to me and sometimes I scream silently “Just Let Me Be”
And then there are days that I wake up so clear and calm, an emptiness that is so full, a fullness of the magic of life currents and empty of the turmoil of living – all I can do is bask in the bliss of gratitude, looking around at all that seems like a dream come alive.
Drenched in the joy of the life of it all, I then become aware of those undercurrents stirring within – they are both kinds, of today’s blessings and tomorrow’s visions, carrying the yesterdays in their very womb. And I am in awe of this container I am – that holds it all.
I look back gratefully at all the grief that brought me to this joy, I look forward gratefully to all the more grief and joy waiting for me.
I am sensing that one thing that I am never looking back on and looking forward to – the fear that I used to live with. It was not the fear of particularly anything, it was just Fear, my forever friend, who strived to keep me safe. It was the primary emotion I woke up with for a long part of my life. I now affirm to thrive and have fear take appointments with me, for any important conversations that need to happen. After all we are old friends. (Just typing this brought up a tinge of fear in me – what if this is too much to ask? Thank you my friend – I hear you.)
I am so absolutely dissatisfied forever and yet have this absolute contentment in me for my life – How is it even working out? – Gloriously, I think. It is working out gloriously.
As I sat down to create my weekly Monday post, I checked into my heart for what wanted to be expressed during this week of ThanksGiving. I realized that Gratitude has been my drug of choice in life – I trace back the infinite blessings of my life to this gift of Gratitude that sometimes blooms with joy and sometimes is a practice of cultivation that reproduces joy unfailingly.
I checked for how and for whom I want to express gratitude today. Of course, for this community that literally buoyed my being for these many years now, and also something unique happened. I realized that I feel a new sense of gratitude for someone who I have often neglected most. Now I feel quite audacious to say – Myself. But honestly, and humbly that is what came to me – I am grateful for myself for all of who I have become.
Now how should I convey this? – I asked, perhaps hoping to be redirected to something else. It was a pleasant surprise when I was guided to this Liebster Blog Award post from when I was 5 months into blogging in February 2016. I did not have readers yet, but this kind blogger acknowledging and encouraging me meant the whole world to me.
I wish to share with you all today, kind friends, my response post to that award. It felt so good to have a glimpse into myself from when I was in this space kind of innocently, not knowing what blogging meant. To see not much has changed truly, in spite of the fact that I feel like a whole new person since then.
I remember so tickled from getting asked questions about myself – it was an unfamiliar and amazing window to look at myself through. This is the only blog award I responded to, going award-free thereafter. Here it is :)))
11 facts about me:
1. I believe magic exists in everyday unfolding. 2. I love rain. 3. I love driving in the rain alone. 4. I like the crunch of walking on fallen leaves. 5. I love the sunshine in lukewarm weather. 6. I can watch waves crashing for hours. 7. I think every single thing that comes my way is relevant. 8. A coffee and a great conversation is time spent well to me. 9. I enjoy creating different styles of outfits. 10. I am passionate about seeing life transformations. 11. I have spent a lot of time playing board games with my sons.
Answers to the 11 questions given to me:
1. If you could live back in time when and where would you choose and why? Hmmm …Actually I am feeling perfect where I am, so given a choice I would like to stay right now and here 🙂
2. What do you think will be the greatest invention in the future Don’t know really …
3. What is the best t.v. show in your opinion? I don’t watch t.v. much … have loved Friends in the past and now occasionally enjoy Big Bang Theory.
4. What book have you enjoyed the most? Difficult to pick one … Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer, I was young and this book felt powerful…
5. Who was your favorite teacher and why? My first yoga teacher in US, he always helped me see the truth in me, in a very un-authoritative manner.
6. Which parent influenced you the most and how? Not sure about this actually …by now every interaction has become an influence.
7. How do you think we can contribute to peace? By cultivating peace within, it can be very contagious!
8. What do you think is man’s greatest achievement? In my small reality, this virtual world that connects people across the earth, is an amazing achievement.
9. What do you think is man’s worst behavior? Acting in harmful and untruthful ways, going against joy …their own and others.
10. What do you like to do for fun? Listen to songs, chat with friends and laugh with them.
11. If you could travel into space where would you go? Far enough to take a look at Earth as a whole and then back!
Thank you for traveling with me and my words till here, THANK YOU is all I can say truly and deeply. Happy Week of Giving Thanks!
P.S. Thank you to my husband for the amazing fall picture that I used at the beginning.
Life is a Celebration every moment we notice our blessings and happiness.
Whenever I see a rainbow it seems to be a very personal experience as if the rainbow appeared just for me to see, or perhaps I am wherever I am, just so I would see the rainbow.
There are times I feel so blessed, I wonder whether I am celebrating life itself or celebrating myself in life.
I feel utmost reverence and gratitude for getting to be alive on this planet, surrounded by angels and lessons exactly as needed for my evolution. It is my insistence to discover, understand and carve out my authentic being while embracing the gifts and trials of familial roles and relations. What a privilege to get to pursue the spiritual while getting to traverse the precious worldly.
I look at this lifetime as a series of rebirths into different versions of me. Some rebirths are unexpected painful ones and some are inherently woven to become invisible in the fabric of life.
I don’t feel any number to my age. Parts of my childhood self are still catching up with the growing up. There are moments I feel whole in the present, and there are moments I am being pulled back into my smallness or forward discontentedly into the future.
When I found the language of my offering to the world through becoming a yoga teacher – I pursued it relentlessly, got designated E-RYT 500. In short, that means I have completed 2000 plus some big number hours of teaching and facilitating transformation for others in my humble capacity, and completed the required education for that.
I am thrilled to find myself at yet another tunnel of rebirth. I am claiming this one to be a happy kind of rebirth as I am choosing to become a beginner student again with a 4 year long Yoga Therapist Training with my teacher Chase Bossart and his school Yoga Well Institute. Unlike my other rebirths of emerging into the unknowns, this one feels so exciting for discovering what would become of me at the end of the next 5 years.
Dear WordPress friends, all of you are an exquisite contribution to my being here today in one way or another. I feel deep gratitude for You and this rich space for heartfelt expressions, authentic emergence, and truthful cultivation of our life journeys.
Life is a Celebration every moment we notice our blessings and happiness.
You notice some who have a spiritual practice for an hour or 2 of the day and then they freely live as themselves for the rest of the day.
To you, it seems like you get an hour here and there to be your authentic self in some circles that support and allow the ease for you to show up as yourself.
Rest of the time you are so acutely aware of your inner body – the rumble of fear in your belly, a holding up in shoulders, and your being. It feels like some practice the entire time, to have to affirm to yourself, of the safety, trust, love available for you. To nourish your inner self with your own love. To invite the ability to be with yourself with comfort and ease.
There is a conflicting perception for what is real and what is fake when navigating relationships that are either unaware of your inner journey or outright deny your feelings as invalid. They approve only what fits in their world and make what comes from your heart invisible. They want you to be assured of their love – the one that lies behind their everyday expressions of negativity, sarcasm, facade – the life of only upholding the structures they embrace and those that you are required to inherit.
Real, meaningful conversations are reserved for outsiders. Your invitation for actually caring for each other with words and gestures that are thoughtful at the personal level is rejected as naive. All gestures are transactions for how we need each other in times of need – all needs that translate into the Doing aspects without really actually Being there for each other.
All your initiatives of heartfelt love are seen as your need for their support, and not for the love itself. There is no mindful receiving, gratitude, or reciprocity, only need, indebtedness and duty. A made-up love and made-up relations that we commit and adhere to. The condition is also that your love has to be contained for this family setting only – any expression towards outsiders is foolish or unrequired, or valid only exactly as defined by them.
All other things called love and kindness are good in words until you try and implement them – that’s when they want to fix you, to become world smart, to play the power games, to lend them your energy and kindness-laden words to bring them the results of their agenda. Beyond that, they have no trust or allowance for you acting on those words and extending that heartfelt kindness to someone they don’t approve of.
They want you to get over your mushy heart that cries with hurting from the lack of integrity. You just don’t and won’t agree with hating someone for how much you disagree with their actions. You get hurt repeatedly as they only insist on having unconscious conversations with you, and otherwise, make you invisible for who you really are.
Getting past this need for nourishing family relations, standing up for being yourself, holding compassion for what they bring as love and life, not feeling like a fake when speaking their limited language when we choose to still keep the relation – these are the many painful rebirthing parts of the process.
Death of the old self and rebirth of your authentic self is what this is – very raw, very powerful as if barely not drowning in the deep dives. It is very tricky to navigate as you hold compassion for those who don’t necessarily understand your journey. You are stepping up, speaking your heart and it is taking up energy. You nourish yourself with slowness, naps, holding your baby self in your own womb, conveying her safety, trust, and love. The baby cries tears of the process, you hold her. The Universe showers you with support by putting you in circles where you feel supported and held through this.
My Beautiful Friend, this is perhaps one way you experience your own rebirth in this lifetime. Some relations continue in your new life, some don’t, some go on an uncertain length of break. Love is all you ever wanted to feel, you literally are willing to be reborn for that. You will have the capacity to love them all. This time without needing them to love you in exact certain ways.
Because now You are Love.
P.S. I just might be slower in my responses this week, yet I am right here, absolutely treasure our conversations and the honor of knowing your thoughts on my post _()_
The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion, the tunnel is.
We parked our vehicle on a tiny street lined with closely spaced homes. We walked along to find a tiny opening between homes. It was this path filled with sand that led to the ocean.
There was no guessing of the expanse to which, that tunnel on Earth opened up. It felt like a magical portal. Especially because we walked through the tunnel before sunrise, so it was dark until we saw some light when out on the other side. The pictures of the tunnel were taken on our way out, so you can see the light coming through the roof made of branches.
This is from our trip to Oahu, Hawaii Islands in February 2021. The experience of being here felt so much like life itself. There is so much intricate and exquisite beauty available that we are actually immersed in when we go through the seeming dark tunnels – light keeps leaking in the form of exact people and guidance pouring from all directions. The sand keeps the feet engaged mindfully (I walked barefoot here), there are occasional pricks to make sure I am present to where I am and also heeding my direction.
Intense times Life itself Shapeshifting Dig my heels To stay standing And oriented
Dropping All things head Into my heart So I don’t Lose myself In the fluid reality So I do Find myself In the flow easily
Guiding Light So present for me In the seeming Absence of it too I honor the seeming Dark spaces They are actually Healing forces gathering Fuel for my ExpansiveBeing All that is exactly needed For ease, joy & well-being
I am amused how this post turned out to be a combination of pictures, a bit of prose and the poem. The poem is what I wanted to post and the rest just tagged along, tugging in my mind to go with the poem. I was happy to see it all seemed to connect well – hope you enjoy this mixture of a post and the poem itself. I am curious to know which part spoke to you most.
You are annoyed with me Because I insist on Love No matter what
No matter what I love you too From the distance We are both Comfortable at
I wondered about these words that clearly chose how I would resume back from my month long blog break. I questioned if this was the best inspiration or wisdom I managed to wring out from all the living I did this past month.
September mostly turned out to be a family oriented month with few milestones and celebrations that I enjoyed with fulfillment. I am also aware of all the growing up that happened for me inwardly while going through life that spilled out into the world.
It is perhaps known to all who commit to their personal and spiritual growth that the immediate signs of our evolution is reflected very clearly in how it affects our relations. The About page of my blog is when I first realized that I am now(then in 2015) able to see myself beyond all the definitions of the relations that I have soulfully invested myself in. Yet, after writings and writings on the skillful ways of relating to myself and others, I am deeply humbled at how repeatedly I face my own patterns of how I live in illusion of what some relations are, instead of what they really are.
I forever lived with the belief that Love sustains all, Love can bring any transformation, Love prevails all, Love heals all …I so badly wanted some of my relations a certain way, full of genuine love and kindness, that I was blinded to the art of healthy boundaries. I had to learn something I thought I was done learning so long ago. I questioned the integrity of my Love. I asked myself – after getting hurt so many times from the demands of transactional relationships, after so many awakenings and poetry, etc. what is it that value you want to show up with for anyone? The answer was still Love. I felt relieved for not losing that one thing that I based all my life on.
My mistake was to not allow the spaciousness that Love is. To not allow space for myself for the Love to bloom in nourishing ways for myself, along with those I insisted on with so much Love. They are literally annoyed and angry with me that I am not annoyed and angry at life exactly the way they are. I had to learn the lesson fresh, crisp and clear that no amount of sacrifice of my love and care for myself, is enough to make the other feel loved and cared for.
Some relations are the stickiest tests of our ability to stay in integrity to our core values of Being. They are an opportunity to me to cultivate the value of Love no matter what. Nobody needs to be held hostage to my definition of Love, just like I do not enjoy being hooked to any drama and games in the name of relations. Love with capital L is unconditional, devoid of any conditions of how it should look like in daily life. It can be as true and pure, even from a distance of time and space, if required.
Loving Note to my dear Blog Friends : Thank you for being here for me as I truly used this break to enjoy free blocks of time along with some joyful busyness. Each time I return to this space, it is with utmost gratitude in my heart. I look forward to making my way to your works that I missed.
Also I wish to humbly share with you this link for a Stress Reduction Virtual Workshop that I co-presented for Brown & Toland’s Physicians Group. The workshop is now added to the library on their wellness page and available for free public access: https://www.brownandtoland.com/wellness I would be honored to know if you were able to take the 45 mins to watch it fully.
Don’t be disappointed If someone doesn’t understand you
Just don’t go looking for milk In a hardware store! (~unknown)
P.S. Dear WP friends, on this lighter note, I am taking a blog break for the month of September …to go to all hardware stores… oh no, not really 🙂 …actually to spend time reintegrating myself, reorganizing life, spending time with family, do some housekeeping around the blogsite. I will perhaps not be able to stay completely away, so might come visit your work every now and then 🙂 Infinite gratitude for your support for Infinite Living.
Note: I had used the quote above in my post on May 30, 2017. It felt good to go on this break with it. I look forward to coming back regrouped and refreshed, perhaps hoping to have touched upon some spaces of lightness and fun!
I feel that I am personally transitioning through a portal from a known past into an unknown future in so many ways at once. It is eerie how outwardly all the walls of reality still look the same, and yet as if all the mental castles of reality have inwardly collapsed. Each day I find another brick falling.
As if each day I wake up and walk into a hall of mirrors absolutely wanting to confuse me – Is that me? or is that one me? Until I push back on a mirror to have it open on to a very expansive space of peace, joy and lightness, carrying an air of crisp clarity.
It is so thrilling and awesome terrifying to surrender in to that space, and live without alignment or resistance to any mental constructs, comforts of relations, definitions, concepts of what exactly makes up our everyday life. Also it is awesome that I don’t have the ever insistent fear rumbling inside me. For I recognize this portal from 5 years ago, and I know now what brilliance awaits on the other side of it.
I love and embrace with a much robust gratitude and awe, the exquisite and divine guidance, synchronicity and perfection with which this play of life is executed. These are such powerful times that our tribe of truth seekers and heart followers are finding their way with themselves and each other like never before! I am now ready to show up in ways like never before.
And hence, I wished to post this poem and picture today to share with you, my gratitude for the trail behind me. For the people on the trail with me.
This poem wasfirst published on August 16, 2016, 5 years ago today.
There’s a trail from the past behind me From whence in this moment I arrive I look forward to see Whereto it wants me strive The smile on my face Belongs to those who helped me thrive
The chosen and unchosen soul friends The given and unchosen of relationships With their simply Being or coaxing mends Diffused and dissolved perceived hardships
I have all of You in my heart To walk with You, I would go back to start Gratitude for You will keep You forever with me Especially when I seem to have parted ways with thee There’s times when only You can make me less lonely
That’s when I look back at the trail Find the bend where you found me frail Then I walk forward steadily a mile Taking with me the newfound smile
3 am Fear-Quake Seismic activity Not plates colliding More like River revolving Not flowing But like Pouring Out of the Heart cave To form a whirlpool In the belly Richter scale reading registered Incessantly in the brain Momentum of thoughts Keep pale awake Heavy eyes Floods they make Pulling the river Reversed From belly to cave Heartbeat Aftershocks Desolate search Breath rhythm found Richter Scale broken Blank Lost Quiet Grief No river Anymore Cave open To the ocean Of Being Belly becomes shore For the waves Of breathing Vision ships Awake sleeping Powerful release To all turmoil within
All sunsets have felt magical to witness and yet this one by far felt the most incredible to experience!
Look closely please for this is a sea of clouds.
It is as if a thick fuzzy soft blanket over the realities of our Earth.
A literal experience of rising above it all, above the clouds of our perceptions, into a dreamreality.
As if you could reach out and touch the edges of the Universe, and the golden light fills you up with pure joy, the cool comfortable breeze immerses you in playful lightness.
A couple of hours before sunset, a view from the other side of the mountain allows you to take a peek under that blanket cover where the entire city is busy and alive.
This is the famous sunset over the fog as captured from Mount Tamalpais, the highest peak of the Marin Hills, immediately north of the Golden gate Bridge in San Francisco. This was the highlight of the trip I took with my family this weekend. All photos are taken by my husband or myself.
While I have been waking up with earnest prayers of rising above the repeat story of life, Mother Earth gave me a visceral experience of what that feels like. Though as funny as humans are, once descended from the peak of the mountain, immersing back in said real life, I found out how true it is that emotions have a life of their own. They need their due respect and time. Mother Earth’s Grace is not to be used as escapes, but as a reminder for what awaits on the other side of our allowance for the waves of emotions and reality to flow through exactly as they are meant to. It is our practice and skill to find allegiance with that unwavering essence of our being, so we don’t rise and fall hard to our knees as we flow through this river of life experiences. A magical incredible experience of joy awaits on the other side of all clouds of grief.