Lingering on the Rim

Photo: Manish Doshi, Oceanside Labyrinth in Maui, Hawaii “Am I at the Center or am I at the Rim?”

Experiences on a continuum,
spirally back at deeper levels
alive, raw, intense
Much greater trust
each time around

We keep
doing this
continually,
push the edges
towards authenticity
while keeping the peace,
protecting our sensitivity,
our strength misunderstood.
It is often awful
yet so so stunning
how we keep going.

After digging deep
now sitting on the rim
of another level of depth,
enjoying the breeze,
holding the expanse above
in my awareness,
there is no turning back.
Right here right now
being on this planet,
breathing new life
into every sense of
Being, Knowing, and Perceiving.

Fear and I play peekaboo,
not wanting the encounter
when I venture to dig deeper
seeking a calm quiet inspiration
to be led,
through it all.
Enjoying the gifts
of where I am,
which may be over
this very moment
or may linger on
for a bit more.

Today I wish to give a special mention to 2 blogger friends “The Chatter Blog” & “Dreamwalker’s Sanctuary” They are a tremendous positive inspiration and influence on my trajectory of writing and being through life experiences, since the beginning of my blog journey. The above poem is a confluence of my responses to their posts. If you haven’t yet visited their work, please do.

Phenomena at the Ocean

Some glimpses on our planet make me feel blissed and blessed for being alive here. They fill me with pride, glory, and humility in my being. They drop my felt sense experience of living into a sense of nothingness, in a way that I become present to life in ways indescribable. They stun me into silence and a childlike surprise for being chosen for these unexpected prizes for being in the right place at the right time, in the most undramatic manner.

This is how I feel about my visit to Maui, Hawaii at the end of December 2021. I expected warm waters, pristine beaches, forest hikes, and beautiful sunsets but didn’t imagine encountering these few other things:

I used to wake up in the early dark hours in anticipation of catching the sky colors at sunrise. I witnessed this instead. (It was difficult to pick just one picture of each kind. These are simple mobile clicks)

Spotlight from the Sky – Divine Light at 5.30ish am
Photo by myself
Full Moon shimmering on the Ocean – Oh the garments our planet wears
Photo by Manish Doshi
The Moon setting behind the island of Molokai
Photo by Manish Doshi

As if this was not enough, a totally unknown (to me) phenomenon was sent my way!

A night rainbow at 9.45 pm! I am told it is a rare sight on some moonlit nights and is called a Moonbow!
The picture is taken at night setting, the sky was much darker than seen here. Photo by Manish Doshi
Can you trace the lower end of the rainbow entering the water close to the shore? That was new to me!! It is not a reflection on the water, it is the rainbow curving all the way!
Almost full circle daytime rainbow at the same location. Photo by myself

These phenomena at the ocean along with other soul-nourishing experiences made me pinch myself for why I deserved this perfection of life moments. I met the ocean in various moods – calm & clear, fun and playful, and yes amidst all this beauty I had a major emotional meltdown as if wanting to deeply feel my worldly humanness again. As much as the Ocean mirrored the former qualities with slow rhythmic waves at the shore, it also joined me with thunderous unruly waves for the latter mood. The ocean showed me how all kinds of waves are beautiful – it is just breathtaking how we get to have all our humanly ways of being. I returned forever in gratitude.

Photo by myself

A short poem that emerged for an early morning with the waves:

The Ocean lends me a sense
Of power and beauty
Quite Unapologetically
The waves within
Are as playful or then unruly
I allow them all to flow
Quite Un-shyly

Oh the Gratitude & Joy

It is Monday, time for my weekly post. I almost decided to skip posting today. The only way to convey the deep rich silence I am feeling full with, is Silence – I thought. And yet I wanted to park myself in this space. To be Here with you all. So then I decided to bring these glimpses of my yesterday to you, a day I spent in the golden weather and nature of California with a dear friend. These pictures are the only times I felt the urge to use my phone, and lock the moments in memory. I didn’t plan well to be able to share with you better, I hope you feel the magic dripping from the moments I did capture.

The Vineyards of Napa Valley
The Train, The Road & The Vineyards: It was thrilling to spot the train coming, pulling over the shoulder on the highway, and the perfect timing of my friend getting out of the car to get this picture. (We were also being safe :))
It felt like I had never seen more beautiful ripples on water.
Yeah the weather was pure gold
Such ornamental display by the side of the parking lot!
Made me forget I was standing on the sidewalk of a busy traffic street, I thought I wanted to spend the day sitting on this carpet.
As I lined my spine on Earth, looking at this sky through the Leaves&Light, the aroma of fresh grass replenished my Being
Entering Storyland …as if. This photo is by my friend.
Oh, the Gratitude & Joy I feel!!

Blessed Feelings. I offer to you the peace and rich silence within. Hope you take some moments to yourself and breathe in with ease & joy of your Being.

Sea of Clouds

All sunsets have felt magical to witness and yet this one by far felt the most incredible to experience!

Look closely please for this is a sea of clouds.

It is as if a thick fuzzy soft blanket over the realities of our Earth.

A literal experience of rising above it all, above the clouds of our perceptions, into a dream reality.

As if you could reach out and touch the edges of the Universe, and the golden light fills you up with pure joy, the cool comfortable breeze immerses you in playful lightness.

A couple of hours before sunset, a view from the other side of the mountain allows you to take a peek under that blanket cover where the entire city is busy and alive.

This is the famous sunset over the fog as captured from Mount Tamalpais, the highest peak of the Marin Hills, immediately north of the Golden gate Bridge in San Francisco. This was the highlight of the trip I took with my family this weekend. All photos are taken by my husband or myself.

While I have been waking up with earnest prayers of rising above the repeat story of life, Mother Earth gave me a visceral experience of what that feels like. Though as funny as humans are, once descended from the peak of the mountain, immersing back in said real life, I found out how true it is that emotions have a life of their own. They need their due respect and time. Mother Earth’s Grace is not to be used as escapes, but as a reminder for what awaits on the other side of our allowance for the waves of emotions and reality to flow through exactly as they are meant to. It is our practice and skill to find allegiance with that unwavering essence of our being, so we don’t rise and fall hard to our knees as we flow through this river of life experiences. A magical incredible experience of joy awaits on the other side of all clouds of grief.

Humbled by Honesty

Brutal Honesty can bring out your vulnerabilities. It is worth it when the result is peace of mind.” I wrote this to myself in 2013.

It had seemed the most challenging year of my life, as I was going through a ravaging health crisis. These words came to me as I was unwillingly about to enter yet another agonizing treatment phase. It was more than unpleasant for me to surrender to becoming completely dependent on others, until I regain strength, yet again.

“Do I really want to do this?” I checked in with myself. Without a pause came a YES! I sensed into how I was feeling, and it was PEACE. I felt so vulnerable to myself even. Because it meant I would be going ahead with the treatment, that too willingly. Saying Yes to an impending suffering by choice seemed like brutal honesty to myself. Why can’t I just deny it and be comfortable in ignorance? I thought. Because I felt the trust, that it was going to be worth it. And it totally was.

It has been deeply humbling how this lesson comes back to me, on repeat, wearing different garbs, cracking me open in every vulnerable spot in my being, everywhere I live in fantasy, everywhere I have a need for some things be a certain way. Though by now, along with it feeling Brutal, I feel a lot of Gratitude. For the Gods of Clarity are inherently kind with the revelations, in my experience.

I have found myself supported in utmost possible ways, before a shot of disillusionment hits me. Resources, divine and worldly, are made available to me in perfect design. I am at times lost in awe of the grace with which I am held and guided through the seemingly unexpected, as much I imagine I could slip down in the pain of another castle of made up reality crashing down.

If we are willing to read closely, there are signs along the way. Only in hind sight are we able to connect the dots, regarding any situation and our own role in it. I am amazed at how much I protected myself from the emerging uncomfortable clarity every single time. Not realizing how many mental justifications and worldly definitions, I keep living with regarding people or situations, that are not really serving anyone truly.

I would go into mediation on a rising sun, an object of meditation as instructed by my teacher Chase Bossart, and see myself sitting in a cave looking at the sun rise only partly, refusing to come out in to the wide open space. While discussing with my teacher I said “there are things I do not want to see, I am not ready for that clarity” That is one instance from couple of years ago.

In the recent months I have shared poetry about being Awake at Dawn, and yet not willing to open the curtains to enjoy the early morning light, wanting to take care of baby Me a little while more. I had been wondering to myself for quite a while why I wouldn’t want to see the light of the day, stay hidden in my cave.

Sunrise on Kauai

It makes me laugh at myself (I will do that only lovingly), at how each time I am shocked at how unexpected something that follows is. I am aware this will keep happening until I clear my own emotional geography at the deepest level that brings me these experiences. It will happen again to show me my ability to step up, in my vulnerability, and integrity. I take full responsibility, and it humbles me. I will keep moving through life with as much kindness to others and myself. This process empowers me and teaches me to live more as myself in the truest sense.

Here’s what I have discovered until now. If there is inherent peace to a decision, it is worth it. It is actually a gift to everyone that you live in fear of hurting. It is up to them to find their truth or not. Fear is a Lie, I heard several times from Dr. Dain Heer’s teachings, and yet only now I realize the extent of how much fear existed in me because of some lies I was allowing to continue. If the lies are not your own to yourself, if they have been coming from other people, they are not going to be happy when you make choices for yourself. This can be painful for those who are as if born with the vow of keeping others happy. Often forgetting themselves in this quest for gifting happiness.

All of this keeps getting much more easier, with quicker recovery from the hits of reality, more surrender with faith to the Divine Guidance – whichever way you tune into it, more courage to make tough choices, with literally miraculous ways and people showing up for you.

Honesty as a conquest is worth it, don’t doubt your own knowing of anything. The peace is not short term. The Peace felt in the Truth is addictive. Life unfolds like you never imagined it to be.

Layers Illuminated

Photo by myself

My original fear, I forever lived with it. I have spent enormous time looking at it, understanding it. Allowing healing to come.

It comes in layers and layers, tough work this is. Work of this lifetime, scraping down through the bottomless pit. Peeling, shedding, newly forming. Visible and invisible outwardly. Is healing ever done?

It became evident with clarity, it had literally been eating away at my heart, mind, body
and existence. It made me so gravely ill at times.

I am on the other side of it now, the most than ever before, if not completely. I am aware of how it works. I am now able to enjoy spaces of no words, no requirements, no neediness, no projection of outcomes. Trusting all that needs to flow through.


The choices come to me. It is what it is. Grateful for the reminder to me that I Am doing some actual work, that I Am brave.

It is so easy to often feel small compared to the robust human pursuits and accomplishments around. They are all so valid. I forget to find the same worth
in the pursuit as a seeker, to celebrate where I am. Who I am
.

Yet I do cherish and indulge in the joyful spaces of nothingness that I often land in.

Love is the way, the only way and always the way. Hate, judgement and separation only creates suffering. Our own choices that we make right here on this planet, our perspectives shape our reality. When we see the death of our perceived reality, feel the pain and rawness, experience rebirth, rise to the guidance of spirit, we then know the difference.

You become the one whose mere presence anywhere would shine the light to this truth. Doesn’t matter who sees it, they feel it and they don’t know what just made them uncomfortable. For it takes a certain journey to know it for what it is. What reality in all truth and love looks like.

I am in deep gratitude for those who really support and empower my process by showing exactly how it is done, own the light and shine it. Their words and radiance illuminate me. I am in awe of their self awareness. They model not only high positive regard towards life but also towards themselves. Give themselves a significant space in this fabric of life. They are a huge inspiration to me. I find all the escapes and excuses not to shine. To stay in the shell. Yet the force is relentless in how it pulls me out and into the Light. So I trust the process. I trust the process.

This post is a thought process that has come from my responses to some posts by Amy on her blog Heaven On Earth. The energy coming through her photography is absolutely that kind from beyond. Each and everyone of her picture is stunning, a pure glimpse of Mother Nature in all true love and glory . My words in the last paragraph are for Amy absolutely, for she has been a tremendous inspiration and support to me always.

Sleep Chaos

Photo by myself

Clarity exceeds capacity
Calmness becomes chaos

Dreams keep awake
Sleep alive with dreams

Life itself pulsating, Allow it
To draw you out from within

Float away into the day
It will carry you back

To a good night’s sleep
When you give up the need

You are Here, Awake & Alive

There is subtle calibration of life processes that keep us going at our optimal, or become out of balance. It may show up in our ability to stay calm or feel overwhelmed in turmoil.

How do we access that calibration? How do we access the unmoving stability, strength, focus, ease of our being when surrounded by chaos, confusion or challenging life experiences that seem to be real and unreal at the same time.

The capacity to bridge & reach the unmoving stillness within, from all the unrelenting movements around and the mixing up of what is normal and the new normal – how do we explore the edges of this capacity?

One way for me is through a breath-oriented yoga practice in which the breath is invited to stay long and smooth no matter what posture, and move only in co-ordination with that breath. It is a distinctly different effort for the body and mind. It helps us explore our individual patterns of how we add stress to our being and bring more awareness, consciousness, calibration for optimal functioning. The result is a sense of calmness and clarity. The more consistently I practice, sooner I am able to get back to balance, each time I lose it.

Above pictures are from a Healing Trail I walked with 2 of my meditation friends – We walked with prayer and intention for all our families, brothers and sisters from India who are in such deep suffering with losing loved ones on a daily basis. We expressed humble gratitude for this blessed opportunity to get to walk on this planet, be together in that moment – “You are here awake and alive” – we have that available preciously in each moment Now. I chose to share just these out of a lot more such markers on this trail, because I connected with these the most on this day. I feel a sense of spaciousness after walking this trail, within me and around me along with being connected to everything and everyone.

Perhaps go back and look at the pictures again, peer through them if they can give you the peace.

P.S. If you are curious, check out my yoga website : www.YogaSaar.com

Drink in with your Senses

The peace of pink & purple I can see

The expanse pours in through my ears

The sweet gratitude I smell reaches my heart

All the pores of my skin bloom open

And then seal in the feelings together

That taste of fullness lingers airily on my tongue

Peace, gratitude and expansiveness

Of the pink sky and majestic mountain

Are now part of my being

Photo by Manish Doshi – Death Valley National Park, CA

Silence

Sure
I will eat my words
So they don't bother you
I will eat them all
So I don't look for
morsels of your approval
Question is
Will you be able to 
Drink my silence?

This is the original picture that I used for the above image. The lake was frozen solid in silence and clarity –

Yosemite NP, December 2016

Wishing you all a beautiful transition through this powerful winter solstice, may the darkness take you into rich silence, ushering a renewed peace & harmony in your being.