Awake at Dawn

Sunrise on Kauai, December 2017 (Not sure who took this picture, my husband or I)

 The last thing I read at night was Dawn by Frank@BeachWalkReflections where he described dawn as a free magical moment that too many miss. I ended my day with an innocent question within – why do I miss most of the sunrise moments in this lifetime?

I was awakened the following morning at the crack of dawn with the eerie feeling that I have become accustomed to, as a cue to start typing because a poem or something like that needs to be given the way out. I hope you enjoy reading it below. Always infinitely grateful to have your thoughts on what takes up space here.

I was awake at dawn
I stayed in bed
Resting my head
Taking some deep breaths
I won't open the curtains
I want to curl up deep inside my own womb
I can feel my belly alive
The baby me held in her turmoil

I refuse to see the light
I need to nurture this one within first
I want to hold her, send her a full breath
One after the other
Soothing her, loving her
Making her feel safe
Letting her know I see her
I understand her

I want her to be nourished with my loving presence
I want to be in this dark cave
Until she gets what she needs
She is worth the wait
The curtains can be opened very late
She needs to feel her own beauty within
Before the light floods in

I was awake at dawn
Wondering if I should be out there
Witnessing the magical beginning of the day
Yet I could feel her tug
More a churning and a yearning
For that unconditional unattached hug
So I stayed in bed
Resting my head
Taking some deep breaths

I did wonder how long?
For an amazing beauty of the morning awaits
There is no hurry I decided
My womb had just now begun to melt
To become this assured part of me
The morning can continue to grow into the day
Just like the baby me is continuing to grow into my person

Someone else decided to open the curtain
I looked up out the window
The light was bright and yet quite mellow on me
Both baby me and I, just One, now could finally smile
Both received so much from each other
We are now a ball of tenderness and a fullness
Comfortable in one skin
Hopefully not as thin but still permeable
To all the love that we can receive from the light of the day

I pray we both stay merged enough 
When we are awake at dawn of another day
To open the curtains and soak in the beauty 
of what awaits us in a magical way

P.S.: I have found Frank’s Beach Walk Reflections very enjoyable and contemplative to read as he brings alive so many aspects of the beach, ocean, sand and everything associated. I hope you also visit his site.

Guilty

Sunset picture by myself

Those who seem to be happy all the time
Don’t judge them or take them for granted.
Often they have taken deep dives into grief or depression.
They have somehow managed not to drown
and that’s why the smile.

Those who think & act from the heart
Don’t try to fix them, it is not a weakness.
Often they are being their own version of strength.
They are somehow trying not to hurt anyone
and that’s why the tears.

What if we actually live all that we have been feeling & made guilty of? Instead of forever trying to keep living & convincing otherwise?
Where else does this question seem relevant to you?

Days are long, Life is short

Photo by myself

2020 is a long year.
And yet it is already mid-November 2020.

My 15 year old said to me the other day “I can’t imagine living to 80 or 90 year old. That is just too much. I feel like I am on this Earth for too long already. I think it is tiring to keep living that long” He had said the exact same thing when he was 13 too.

I was speechless as to how to respond both times and a bit saddened that he thinks so. It took us few more conversations to arrive at the conclusion that the more we live to deliver to the expectations of social constructs, more tedious it seems to keep living.

I explained to him that I actually feel very young and I am forever learning something, growing, waiting to begin my life as if, and find that this lifetime wouldn’t be enough for what I think is possible. He explained to me that he doesn’t have time to think all that after attending school for 6 hours and working at assignments for another 5 or more hours. Then all we did was nod and smile at each other for what we had realized for ourselves.

The days are very long for my son who is in high school. The days can seem very short for me as I juggle my time between family chores and my personal pursuits. It can easily become overwhelming if I try to figure out what I should be doing. Most answers come from definitions of success and other conditioning. I have come to value Being – being at peace and joy and ease through anything that I am doing. This in itself becomes difficult at times as it involves setting boundaries and clearing attachment to certain ways of being.

It is a continuous process of discovery “What do I really want to do today?” that seems in alignment with me being my authentic self, in this moment and situation. Because life is very short really, to spend it any other way.

Dear friends and readers, I have made a friendly commitment to myself to post here every Monday. So I showed up today and simply decided to share what was lingering within and accessible to be expressed in words. I am absolutely thrilled to see if you have any thoughts to share with me on what became this post 🙂

P.S :
Related post : Be-Come
Another conversation with my son when he was 11 : An attempt at success?

Relations & the Balance

Photo : Yosemite NP, CA by myself

If you manipulate your way in changing the other person in a relationship, you will not feel the joy when that change comes. The thrill will go away quickly and the change won’t last.

If you manipulate your way of being in a relationship, the other person will reflect back the changes in you in the most beautiful way. This is a slow process of skillful transformation
. Everything changes. You get to keep the authentic relation forever or let go. Let go of the expectation or sometimes the relation itself. You experience the most peaceful joy. It comes from finding yourself, discovering how you relate to yourself and strengthening that bond first.

Photo : Distances by myself

It is our patterns that shape our relations. Let go of the blame of how people distanced from you. It is important to address what is the pattern in you, and what addiction of yours were they serving? Validation, approval, connection, filling up some emptiness what is it that you were needing?

In the space that is consciously created, the real ones always stay or return. Because you returned back to yourself and allowed them to find themselves.

No judgment, all compassion, kindness and love, for oneself and others. All healthy boundaries.

P.S. 2020 became the year of deep reflection for how I relate to myself and others, seeking another level of balance in my personal spiritual journey and authentic relations. The nature of some family, society and worldly relations managed to create dissonance while also refining my appreciation for simple happy times with my immediate family.

If you feel inclined here are some of my other posts on relationships from different times. I appreciate all thought processes shared on my posts. All exchanges of perspectives are a growth for all.

Relations – A leaf that loves the Tree

Relationships …a choice or a privilege!

Relationship Illusions & Truth of Soul

A true Relation

A Good marriage is the Best

Don’t Blow Up your Life

Truthful Commitments

Is there a Perfect Spouse?

Magical Glimpses

Peer Within

Photo by myself

I was drawn out of my way to peek in to this web of roots, branches and shadows on water. I felt as if I was pulled in towards the womb of the Earth. I had posted the original picture in this post last month. The words describe the special experience of being there.

Photo by myself

This glimpse simply made me feel blessed. The beautiful goose was peacefully strolling around ahead of me and as I reached this curve, I found it sheltering here with such ease and quiet. Reminding me of how we share this planet, how we belong to the same nature and can find such rest & respite if we would choose to.

Appearances

All of us what we look like
Have a story of our life
Sometimes really brave ones
And then those that we hide


When we want to change
Something in what we look like
It is actually something
We want to change in our life

I had never stepped out in my glasses all my life until this year. I simply forgot to put that attention before I showed up in front of the current zoom world of 2020. I stopped caring if I was wearing my blue glasses, red glasses or contact lenses, eliciting so many responses of how great I look in my glasses and how they never knew I wore glasses. I found myself smiling – at the realization that I have really grown more comfortable in my skin. That I did make this distinct preparation to face the world, was actually acceptable and enjoyable to me, until it didn’t matter anymore.

Social media presence brings some interesting experiences and often loaded with judgment with regards to appearances. No matter how deep my body of work is, my social media posts are at times selectively responded to, as if it is a display fishing for superficial praise, disregarding the story, the very journey that makes me who I am today and continually learning to show up for who I simply am. Gratefully such instances are few, yet they have shown up sadly from those who I considered close circle, long time acquaintance/friend. Mostly otherwise I am blessed with warmth, love and support from those who see me as a person for my appearance, also read me and my writings.

The stories of our life truly define how we show up in all genuineness and joy. There is a lot of courage often in showing up anywhere. And when there is ease, there is a story of our life behind that ease. There is a story of our life behind not wanting to show up – even on social media. There is often judgment we hold for ourselves and against those who do show up.

So many of us often are waiting to look different. Some of us flow through changes gracefully, some of us struggle. Also so many personalities look the same, pandemic or no pandemic. Every instance is a story that we are hiding or not, something we are willing and need to change in our life, or not. What we really want different is how we feel about ourselves. This life is all we have, we are who we are & how we are. There is a lot of love to be discovered in that.

The sadness, the joy …Grateful to be back!

Photo Credit : Vikram Phale

I have been looking for a doorway back into this space certainly. There was an inert kind of sadness when my inspiration to keep posting trickled to a stop, earlier this year. I trusted it to show me when and where to be. I woke up this morning with a design of the quote image above and a clear feeling of wanting to bring it here for my WordPress friends.

As the entire world went through tumultuous changes that came with the pandemic, I took time to appreciate simple blessings, the gifts of being alive, the deepening heart connections for how real the ephemeral nature of our existence is.

Glimpse of the Sky and the Earth seems a true indulgence – Photo by myself

Sadness is really one side of the coin, when a mere breeze from the air or a caring word from someone brings us joy.

Happiness heals the planet
the kind that makes you smile from the heart
…and from behind your closed eyes
the kind that is only truly felt
…if the joy is shared

Some corners of Earth draw me in, as if I am moving inward within – Photo by myself

I questioned myself a lot for what my purpose on this planet is, what is my role truly in all my relations, gave myself permission to practice being unapologetically myself and enjoyed the privileges afforded to me. I went through some major internal shifts but then who hasn’t lately?!!

As we all question what our role is
In this world when none can stay passive
Take care of yourself no guilt & then give

We are all together in how our heart lives this


I am so happy and grateful to be back here to connect with you all and further explore the emergence of inspiration and new avenues of being!

Humble gratitude to all of you who emailed me or left messages in this space to ask about my well-being and to let me know that I am missed. Means-a-lot-whole-lot-to-me. You have been the most kind witness of my inner world when it poured out and needed to be received.

As I make my way to find you and your words, one by one, I await your visit on my post with childlike curiosity for who would I engage with next as I perhaps see your comment 🙂

That is Why …

That is Why

Photo: Manish Doshi, Editing: Myself

Because now
It is impossible to fake a smile
Because now
I am inwardly happy in my heart
Because now
I love myself with all of how I am

Because
I wish the same for you
Because
I wish we meet with exactly how we feel
Because
I wish to discover how One we are

That is Why …

 

While I was contemplating if I will ever write again …actually I have a lot of writing and ideas ready …so more if I will ever feel the urge to post again, and while navigating what feels like a transition in my way of being, the feeling of wanting to create this quote image brings up so much joy in me. I closed my eyes to call for what I wanted to put these words on, I saw that I wanted them to go on a path that looked like a scroll opening towards me. I started looking through albums of personal photographs and found this perhaps accidental click by my husband on a nature trail.
Growing up I felt a lack in me for not being good at art – drawing, painting, singing, dancing, anything. As an adult I discovered that there is an art to words and life itself. And the skill emerges when I keep living authentically. These text images that I  have come to love creating are my art and my heart. They are what they are and they are how they wanted to come through me. I don’t know how they should be, to be good. It makes me very happy if you really like them.

 

Note: This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of ForgivingConnects.

 

Focus

Focus

“Myself on the trail” Photo by Manish Doshi

I have lived with a confusion of what exactly I want to do with the rest of my lifetime.

I looked upon the path I was walking on, I often saw multiple trails coming up ahead. The best I could zoom in was to stand at a fork trying to decide which one of the two roads ahead I want to choose.

That led me to question myself : “What is my purpose?” “What is the work that I am truly given time for, on this planet?” “Which dream do I follow? Which dream is truly mine? Which ones are more ideas from others about what I could be/should be doing?”

It felt like this lifetime wouldn’t be enough to cover the paths becoming evident to me.

It is funny how clarity in different directions can create confusion!

The word ‘Focus’ dawned on me. I needed to focus in one direction for now, I told myself.

I followed my inclinations and found things that I couldn’t stop doing. They are enough to fill the day ahead & my heart with immense joy & peace. I am committed to those.

It has become clear to me that I needn’t beat up myself with one ambition to focus on.

I am travelling this beautiful road of life and I have a lot of glorious views on the way. I give myself permission to look side ways and take time to appreciate what I see.

This picture of mine taken unknown to me, gives me a glimpse of my Focus in life.

I kneel to the ground in reverence to how I am being guided and choose to look through the lens of a powerful perspective.

I still see the fork in the road ahead of me, not knowing which way each trail twists & turns. Yet, I am seeing that I will be led on to one of them, one day at a time.

Something tells me there is a possibility that both those trails could meet at a later time, and I might have the opportunity to have an integrated experience of fulfilling all my dreams on the way. Just maybe …

 

This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays, a monthly initiative by Debbie Roth of Forgiving Connects, a blog of inspiration to me.