Ablaze with Truth

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‘ABLAZE’  – Photo by Manish Doshi

 

It is a visceral feeling.
The emotion of anger.
It feels like an old one. It is so physical as if ablaze.
That block, the lead block right on the core of my heart, it is heavily burrowing down. Into the deep abyss of my being.
Get it offf now!

I am angry. I am angry about smiling through it all …all these years.
I am angry that I had such positivity. ..all these years.
I am angry I had so much love and the need for love in me that I overlooked and even enjoyed this same thing.
I am angry that I wasn’t angry the first time this happened.

I am speaking the truth regarding this for the first time.
The truth that I had no idea of. The truth that was buried deep down to fulfill my other needs.
That’s it.
It has been my choice all along. To smile through it. To keep finding what is right in it. To hold it in my pot of love.

Today it is me who has changed.
It is me who has become aware of my hidden truth.

I am actually ablaze with this revelation.
With no skill whatsoever to contain it and express it, it has come as anger.

It is still visceral …yet it has changed.
The blaze has softened. I have finally seen it and honored it for what it is.
The iron block on my heart, still there.
It is so much of grief and guilt over my unskilled expression of my truth.
My assumption that it is wrong to feel this anger. That it is wrong to feel this bad, about something I accepted as normal, all my life.

Awakening to my own truth and suddenly choosing it and living it, is a very raw experience.
As if a rebirth into another person.
Definitely an unexpected guest, often an unpleasant one, in the lives of those accustomed to my smiling through it.
I decide to accept my anger for what it is.
I give myself permission to feel the human emotion of anger.

It came as a visceral wave of awakening and it has passed.
I am left with this heavy brick on my heart
I pour love for myself. Hold myself with compassion.

It is amazing to physically feel the brick soften.
And now melt and diffuse.
I feel space. I feel a soft strength.
There is a freshness in the way of my being.
There is a quiet quiet space of being.
Soothing and healing and forgiving.
I will stay immersed in this silence today.

 

P.S. This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of dear blogger Debbie. My wish is of self healing and forgiving through the process of becoming aware of our own Truth.

This post was originally published at This Glorious Mess on Medium

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Just how did the writer in me get born?

When drippings from a touched soul find their way in writing
A poet is born

When the beauty is undying and the joy so fulfilling
A poem is born

When feelings are heart wrenching and clarity is killing
A poem is born

When a surge comes as discomfort and words pour out
A writer is born

When the harmony felt is such that there is no choice but rhyme
A poem is born

When made-up words bring meaning and no-rhyme verse feels musical
A poetry is born

When living alive to feelings, words come to life
A writer is born

When clarity becomes more intense than the pain that afforded it
A writer is born

When no human around can suffice to contain the expression
A poetry is born

When a release is looking to flow out at an unearthly hour
A writer is born

When words choose the person as if a channel
A writer is born

When none can be planned to rhyme or reason
A poet is born

When human spirit gets broken to million-times-ten pieces, yet finds beauty
A poet is born

When Life decides to peel back layers of truth down to the core
A writer is born

When each level of façade is stripped down to bare soul
A writer is born

When all the suffering was a gift, lived through or let through
A writer is born

When there is no knowing if there is more from where it came from
A writer is reborn

When it comes from a place that is hard to own
A writer is born

When the essence of being is wrung out in best expression
A poetry is born

When it feels like a soft glove over the brutal thing
A poetry is born

When the loneliness in truthfulness is more than can enjoy yet
A writer is born

When inspirations come out of nowhere as if universal cues
A poet is born

Every story a writer writes may not be the writer’s story
But then the writer lives within herself
A thousand lives or the stories of lifetimes
Often that of all of humankind

So if you can just rest
In the drippings of the writers’s soul
Momentarily let go off the sufferings you insist on
A writer would feel content for being born.

Show up with your gifts

If you think that you know someone who flaunts
Step back and see what is it that daunts
If all of us wholeheartedly express
All that we tend to repress
Show up with all the best we have
Anything that helps feel bold and suave

Imagine what a world it would be
If each one is an inspiration to thee
There’s no worry of guard against envy
We carve our existence through
Expressions of joy, material and divine too

Take time to retreat within and cultivate
That which is hidden and you can create
Look at other’s gifts as deserved to them
Our gift is our love at helm

Each one can now parade on this stage
We are the performers
We are the audience of all age
No one to flaunt
No one to daunt
Our world is ours to create …

How are you?

I significantly remember the question ‘How are you?’ after moving to the USA. This question has been on a journey and evolution of it’s own. It’s relevance, in what it means to me, has changed tremendously over the years.

One of the stark experiences of coming to US from India, was the contrast in the experience of going for a walk  here. While a way had to be carved amongst hurried humans on the streets of Mumbai, here the way was all to myself. The sight of a fellow human being  on foot felt most thrilling. Soon I realized that eye contact elicited the question ‘How are you?’ After first few times of an awkward nod-&-smile, I learned that ‘good’ is the preferred answer unlike ‘fine’ in India. Also a following ‘thank you’ made a complete answer. I quickly learned to ask that question now to whoever I crossed path with. I was very amused at the first ‘Not too bad’ reply. Now there was an element of truth to it …I liked that!

Truth be told the question didn’t mean anything to me …it confused me about how can it be a form of greeting to anyone …it felt pretty superficial to me. A question for which an answer was already decided. Being in a new country and being impacted by everything in a brand new way, I admit I had blocked off all feelings except for a sense of wonder for how things operated here. I had no clue how I felt for a ‘How are you?’

Fast forward to a phase of life when I dealt with a health crisis. I truly discovered the value of the question ‘How are you?’ Especially in social circles and acquaintances the question came only from those who really wanted to know. It made a huge difference in my day and life when someone asked me ‘How are you?’ and actually listened. They indulged with me in my lighthearted attempts at humor and reveled in my positive perspectives. Sometimes they let me unload when I was feeling down, lending me their perspectives of how all of it is going to work out all right 🙂 I think I would remember a few ‘How are you?’ encounters during that phase for the rest of my life …

In a ‘regular’ life and world now, I am once again getting uncomfortable with that question. Because now I care too much about that question and the answer. It’s relevance does keep changing depending on who is asking and when. But there is only certain number of times that I have the ‘patience’ to have the answer to that question in a word or two …outside of any professional setting.

One of my yoga teachers introduced this concept of asking ‘How is your heart?’ that truly speaks to me. We often carry within us a feeling in our heart …we feel it tangibly, a heaviness, a block of iron, a hole, an emptiness … it is directly connected to the way we are feeling and being in our being. To answer a ‘good’ while carrying all that within …repeatedly …brings a lot of tediousness, fakeness and more of whatever you are lugging within you. Of course it gets easier when what you are carrying is more of a spaciousness and lightness …

We are social animals for the significant reason that we are together in this. So we connect, we share, laugh and lighten up together. If we are using these opportunities only to deny what we are carrying within …we are denying ourselves the richness of human connection. There is different media used for communication like phone and text, besides personal encounters. With all kinds of time consuming routines that most of us have dedicated to, it has become very important to me that I truly get to answer a ‘How are you?’ to a friend. Also if I am taking the time to ask you ‘How are you?’ I really mean to know from you. Anything that is relevant to you at that time …whether you are excited about your new project, slightly or more worried or stressed at work, busy sorting some family stuff …anything …if you are a friend or anything more than just a professional contact to me …then I care to know. If you ask me ‘How are you?’ it is my heart that wants to speak to you more than the mannerly conditioned human in me.

Let us create a web of connections heart to heart that we can dangle and tangle in … where we feel safe to untangle the knots in our belly and lighten the iron blocks in our heart. Where we are unafraid to be our vulnerable, authentic selves …where our woes are cared for and hearts are nurtured, there need not be any pretense of positivity. We feel what we feel. Let us live together in wonderment of life itself …does it matter whether we laugh or cry or speak our heart as a response to a thoughtful ‘How are you?’

Funny thing is that now I feel so lost at a ‘How are you?’ casually thrown at me…I almost want to say …’I have no idea in the moment’ …because the heart feels a lot. 🙂

Unfolding our Passion

Unfolding our passion
Beyond the purpose
Of being visible
To those few who know us

Once this feels sensible
And seems possible
Opens up avenues
To step out of our comfort zone
To finally start to let loose
Inhibitions and limitations
The need for approval & gratification

Allowing expression
For the pure joy of it
Breaking open
From the fear of it

Your passion now brings you home
To yourself and your Being
Exploring the truths of You
Embracing all that is true to You
Doesn’t matter now who sees you
As long as you see You!

Whilst you learn to walk
And accidentally hit the wall
Do you go back to forever crawl?
What makes you then your passion stall?

Laugh it off, start over
Cry it off, start over
Accept help, start over
Demand help, start over
Love yourself, start over
Refresh and focus, start over

Keep chipping away at it
Even if only bit by bit
Extracting the nectar drop by drop
Find a smile if again you stop

Let yourself unfold your passion
Beyond the purpose
Of being visible
To those few who know you!