Finding My Balance

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Golden Sunrise at Sea by Atanu Chakraborty

I find a place…for my elbow to rest on. A platform that is a good space to give me relief. My elbow finds balance on a solid surface, my head rests in my palm sideways. My mind finds some moments of peace.

The platform turns out to be a floating piece. It starts to shift, putting my elbow and my rest, out of balance. I could rely on it but only for a while.

Pulses of life, stir through the surroundings of the iceberg where I was resting my elbow. The solidity of the iceberg now seems shaken.

Shock of the coldness hits my face as the elbow slides off. I am thrown out of my comfort space.

I have been seeking concepts and beliefs and relations and interactions to depend on, for balance. To rely on, when challenged. Only to find out that they are all floating icebergs.

Lean on anything a bit too much, and you plunge into the cold deep abyss of the sea of truthful revelations, eventually.

Some icebergs are memories that we escape to. Trying to find any semblance of joy or pleasure or balance or support that we felt at a different time. As all icebergs, this one too, serves only for a while.

I have sought it in persons and relationships sometimesOnly that I am an iceberg for others too, sought out to balance some need in them. Oftentimes, each ends up blaming the other iceberg, for not staying steady and still, for them to lean on.

I decide to walk on to dry grounds, with none of the unreliable icebergs around to entice me. There are trees to rest under and the lush grass on solid ground, looks fulfilling. I will now depend on the nurturing Mother Earth to hold me, to support me. I find rest in the shade under a vibrant tree.

It seems like I have found my solace and semblance of balance that I can finally rely on. Only until …the winds start howling and the skies turn dark and shower me with piercing drops of revelations, leaving me drenched in the cold again.

Sometimes it wasn’t even the furious weather that left me all lost on the face of the planet. My own thoughts could create a tornado within, that left me as if, there is no ground to stand on.

“Where do I really rest? Mother Earth! Where on earth can I just rest?” I cried in despair, kneeling down with my head hung low.

Mother Earth, as if smiled, while continuing her own journey through the void, around the sun, not knowing what, comets and storms and humans, might hurl at her, at any time.

Nothing seems to be at rest. Relentless movement. We go on while coloring our perception with the illusion of support and stability.

At times, memories of someone and the conversations, color our days or months. Giving a sense of balance to the emptiness in the place we call home. The home that stands on the compassion of the planet and it’s time bound stability.

There are times I am totally present with those physically with me. And I become aware of the hurricanes within them, uprooting my sense of balance.

I also often become dependent on other people for my soul nourishment and direction to my human mind. Every time I become completely dependent, that iceberg plops under.

In my sane mind I realize that they have gone away seeking their own nourishment, or might have faltered their own of self depletion. In my human mind I sometimes blame them for not being there for me anymore.

After many such hurricanes and toppling under of icebergs, I finally realize there is this vast ocean of space within me. The more I dive into the center of it, the more stability I find.

I begin to sit with myself more often, without leaning.

I feel more grounded as I allow a deep breath in, into the expansiveness of my being, and empty it out from the core of my being, as softly and smoothly as I can. The more I rely on my own ability, to glide on the current of the life force, flowing through me with the breath, the more rooted I get in the stability of my own being. The platform I lean on is not tangible yet so plausible.

A sense of trust and surrender and choices of possibility and tremendous courage, gives me an easy resolve of steadiness, and the experience of innate balance.

I wobble at times, escape into known comforts sometimes, fear the unknown darkness sometimes, and then find my balance again, as I recognize it all for what it is.

The darkness is pure nothing until I fill it with something. Its spirit is illuminated with each breath and awareness that comes. The silence is rich with the knowing and the perceiving and the feeling that guides me, unless it is purely divine silence.

A warmth develops within me, that balances out the coldness of any sharp revelations. It flows through me, which feels like love in some form or kind.

That’s how, I find my center and balance, time and again, until I fall off, time and again …

 

Originally published in This Glorious Mess on Medium

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Ablaze with Truth

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‘ABLAZE’  – Photo by Manish Doshi

 

It is a visceral feeling.
The emotion of anger.
It feels like an old one. It is so physical as if ablaze.
That block, the lead block right on the core of my heart, it is heavily burrowing down. Into the deep abyss of my being.
Get it offf now!

I am angry. I am angry about smiling through it all …all these years.
I am angry that I had such positivity. ..all these years.
I am angry I had so much love and the need for love in me that I overlooked and even enjoyed this same thing.
I am angry that I wasn’t angry the first time this happened.

I am speaking the truth regarding this for the first time.
The truth that I had no idea of. The truth that was buried deep down to fulfill my other needs.
That’s it.
It has been my choice all along. To smile through it. To keep finding what is right in it. To hold it in my pot of love.

Today it is me who has changed.
It is me who has become aware of my hidden truth.

I am actually ablaze with this revelation.
With no skill whatsoever to contain it and express it, it has come as anger.

It is still visceral …yet it has changed.
The blaze has softened. I have finally seen it and honored it for what it is.
The iron block on my heart, still there.
It is so much of grief and guilt over my unskilled expression of my truth.
My assumption that it is wrong to feel this anger. That it is wrong to feel this bad, about something I accepted as normal, all my life.

Awakening to my own truth and suddenly choosing it and living it, is a very raw experience.
As if a rebirth into another person.
Definitely an unexpected guest, often an unpleasant one, in the lives of those accustomed to my smiling through it.
I decide to accept my anger for what it is.
I give myself permission to feel the human emotion of anger.

It came as a visceral wave of awakening and it has passed.
I am left with this heavy brick on my heart
I pour love for myself. Hold myself with compassion.

It is amazing to physically feel the brick soften.
And now melt and diffuse.
I feel space. I feel a soft strength.
There is a freshness in the way of my being.
There is a quiet quiet space of being.
Soothing and healing and forgiving.
I will stay immersed in this silence today.

 

P.S. This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of dear blogger Debbie. My wish is of self healing and forgiving through the process of becoming aware of our own Truth.

This post was originally published at This Glorious Mess on Medium

Beautiful Life & YOU

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Precious Times & Me

Sometimes being in a certain place nourishes more than any food can ever could. That’s how I feel when I look at this photo from a personal retreat I had been to.

There was so much perfection of space and time. A Hafiz poetry book just as if walked up to me …drenching my soul in the feeling of eternal love and contemplation for hours. Just the memory of that time at this place brings a luxurious peaceful feeling to me.

This moment now I am feeling such grace of gratitude flow through me. I wish to go back to that place yet I don’t need to. Those hours and moments in that place are just alive in me forever.

Such moments are a gift of this lifetime. They keep you satiated in precious ways. They help you find the treasure of gratitude for exactly where you are.

The yearning and the seeking takes a break. Right now is one such moment for me.

I am thinking of every single person and soul that has been a perfect intersection in my life. All those who have been perfection to my existence. You called me at perfect times. You said the perfect words …as if speaking aloud the whispers of my soul that were being dumbed down by the outer noise. Yes, YOU. YOU know who you are.

I am thinking of all those with whom I am virtually connected with. You are as real in my world as any other, because your words have made priceless difference to me. You have helped me live my dream life of seeing, acknowledging and connecting at the most authentic level.

I think of all the people that I have not been a best of myself to. I have often faltered in my human ways. I have been very sorry in my heart. I am yet to find the courage to get to each one of you. To melt the walls of thickness between us. I am grateful for you.

I look at this photo of mine at this place and feel gratitude for my time on Earth and the beautiful life that keeps coming to me. This is how I feel in this moment now. For now, that’s all. And now.

May all of the beauty of life flow in all preciousness to us all …and we flow in life with ease and joy.

 

P.S. Dear Debbie, it is my pleasure to make this post a contribution to ForgivingFridays. You are a kind loving presence in this space.

Brilliance that only seems wasted!

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Brilliant Sky – by Vikram Phale

There’s some of us who have been told by our well-meaning friends that our brilliance has been wasted and our skills unused …as measured by academic standards and career achievements. And what a boost it is for us to know, how brilliant we are, and how amazing we would do in some ‘prestigious’ field! IF ONLY WE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY … but NO! We are merely living by with what came our way trying to make peace with it, trying to find our way through our own brilliance…

Which field of study are you choosing for higher studies?
How many degrees & from which reputable institutes do you have?
What abbreviations tag behind your name?
How big have you made it in your job? …the list keeps going as the potential never ends really, does it?

We have been taking in everyone else’s idea of what it means to be visible in the world in terms of our brilliance.

We live with these definitions in our minds and live really hurtfully with ourselves as nothing we do is really good enough …as we haven’t made it big in the world with these definitions hanging over us. The reasons keep coming …right things just always slip away from me, the most perfect things never seem to come to me, I got married too early, it’s too late I haven’t found my perfect partner yet and my career headed nowhere, my parents didn’t support/care enough, if only this and if only that …down the rabbit hole of judgment, resentment and rejection …of self, others, events, situations, life itself. Leading to more of the same!!

But Wait!! Wake up!! We have been giving in to a very limited definition of brilliance! We have listened to people in very limited number of settings – our school, workplace, friends, acquaintances – all operating from their outlook on reality. When did we make all that our own?

We actually keep missing out on so many simple ways of doing and being our best …just because we aren’t there where we are told we could have been.

By now I have met too many people with multiple degrees, multiple pursuits of achievement, all bringing out their utmost level of skill and brilliance. All that is valid, commendable …and never enough! I now measure my brilliance on my own terms in my own reality. As undefined by someone else’s understanding of it. Over the years my brilliance is shown in how truly happy I am with myself. How simple choices on an everyday basis bring me joy and the fact that I feel I have a choice on an everyday basis to create my reality.

We waste our brilliance when we try to build up castles of that perfect life in air as defined by others. We waste our power when it shows up as anger towards who we think is responsible for our so called failures.

That anger is the energy of our potentials coming up to point us to who we really are …part of Creation capable of creating our own reality. Our brilliance is in how we make a complete turnaround from the version of a limited possibility and reality. How we open up to an infinite way of being …coming back to being our brilliant selves on an everyday basis. There is no question of being someplace else, some particular designation or position to know your brilliance.

Our primary job is to be Happy! Moment to moment, thought to thought …flow through it only to find joy.

This can become the most difficult thing to achieve in life. The potential of the intellect seems easier to hold on to then. The idea of choosing only out of joy and happiness puts us right in the path of so many emotions waiting to be resolved within us. No amount of blame game helps. You are compelled to sit back with yourself …really have to get used to this. It can get so very sticky that we need an insane resolve and trust, in our ability to create exactly the reality that would bring joy to our being. The result is always the most rewarding and thrilling, as you have now used your own skill to define your own brilliance …as you tread through relations to extract only the best and the true out of them, through situations to extract only what serves you and gives you joy.

Seriously, how many of those then, who question the status of our brilliance in life, are sleeping that well at night? Striving for harmony and peace in your being on a day to day basis – even while in some shaky times – that’s brilliance! Look closely well-wishers, it is not complacent acceptance. We are treading slowly and joyfully through what unfolds, yet also looking to claim the territory of brilliance that is more visible in your reality …you see we are grateful for you, for keeping our spark alive in that goal, in still wanting and dreaming to make our mark in any area of our choice …with ease and joy, is what we insist now!

Is there a Perfect Spouse?

Is there a perfect spouse?

This question came up with my previous post that conveys a one-line sentiment To a Perfect Spouse.

No human is perfect. It is the perfection in relation to each other that matters. It is the freedom to be true to your being while having a tremendous commitment through all the messiness of human imperfectness. It is the dedication to evolving as a person with freedom, while nurturing the same freedom for the other. It is the care and love for the other, while standing steady on your own ground. And taking turns doing just that.

It is like having only one set of Teeth that you take turns to use, to chew on something called Life to you. LOL

It is bringing some fun and lightness while you do so for a life time. Sometimes even fun takes effort. It is honoring exactly what aspects of commitment are important to the other. And making it sacred, not sharing those aspects with anyone, in the name of free spirit or Infinite Living 🙂

A perfect relation does not limit either one from having other wholesome relations of any name and gender, because of the tremendous trust, commitment and vulnerability they share. They know it is unshaken for this lifetime. There is trials and treacherous tests of life on such relationships. The perfection is in the survival, sustenance and strength of character shown in such relationships.

No one is born a perfect spouse. It is what they give to the other, is what makes them perfect. Sometimes we tend to think of ourselves as the perfect one of the two. Sometimes we believe the perfect spouse doesn’t exist …only for us. Because the demand is only on the other person to be perfect.

Perfection comes from the love, care and also tenacity in the relationship. If you find it lacking some in your spouse …there are some points of evolution that exist for the both of you. That’s where your commitment gets used to step up and take the lead in nurturing the relationship into how you want it to be. It may not be a quick process but very much worth it. It also requires courage and conviction in yourself.

I am not taking into consideration here, any extreme cases of struggling, deceitful or abusive relationships. At the same time, I feel all sustained and truthful relationships undergo struggle. Because we are Infinite Beings, not bound beings. We have an innate rebel against any bondage. Heck we even rebel against our abilities/inabilities of our bodies! As if we are stuck in our bodies with all it’s pains.

Infinite freedom is available to us within the boundaries of our relationships for change and choice, within the relationship and outside of that relationship. There are no rules and bondages except created or accepted by us. The only important rule is your definition of your commitment. Keeping that, how many self- barriers are you willing to break? How willing are you to support your spouse do the same? Will you take the lead? Will you acknowledge the process if your spouse takes the lead?

 

P.S. If you feel inclined here are few of my other posts on relationships from different times. I appreciate all thought processes shared on my posts. All exchanges of perspectives are a growth for all.

Posts of one line or few

Couples

Love is when

Poetry

A true relation

Prose

Relationships …a choice or a privilege!

Relationship illusions and Truth of Soul

 

Top Writer in Inspiration

Congratulations! You are now a top writer in Inspiration
Great Work! Pragalbha Doshi

Today I received an email from Medium that said exactly the words above! 🙂

The title of this post is a seed I am sowing. In this rich fertile land of readers and writers alike. This seed is now ready to flourish and grow beyond it’s own knowing of it’s own potential.

I am now ready to receive the BEcoming of this title. The ‘Top’ …I am not sure what it means. The ‘Writer’ I will always BE, because I have a lot to say to humanity. The ‘Inspiration’ is what I want to be in the essence of my Being. I always wanted to be …I chose to be a yoga teacher for that simple reason. To create a difference in the way we live life …from the root level, live for and with a sense of wellbeing.

For a length of time I treated myself and my writings as happy accidents, and all appreciation on my work as happier accidents. I mostly felt only gratitude and sometimes overwhelmingly so. I have also felt as if I am not sure how long this will keep going.

When I first began sharing my writings, they felt like a huge act of courage. Like opening up the inner workings of my brain to the world … wide open to be seen. And I was very pleasantly surprised to receive only kindness, acceptance and love in this space. The true regard for spoken word and the validation nourished me.

I found encouragement, motivation and inspiration in this space, sometimes to the point of cracking myself open through my own resistance.

Along with tremendous gratitude to all and those of you who contributed to me in these powerful ways …I post this title with a resolve within myself.

A resolve to Be myself and do all that it takes to begin the cycle of courage all over again.  To be willing to open up with deeper levels of my brain’s working. To lay everything out there like never before …and just like before.

You, my friends and readers have helped me soften the edge of what it feels like courage. I receive and embrace ‘Top Writer in Inspiration” with a sense of lightness now. I exactly know how it unfolds. I will simply keep writing with all my heart …all the truths of myself and my being. The seed is sown in good soil. It is nourished and will keep thriving!

My friends, I look forward to witnessing and nourishing our journeys together!

 

Ever Been a Seed like this? Ever Seen a Flower like this?

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Rose and Sunshine by Vikram Phale

A seed, gets buried in an avalanche of soil. The soil is rich, impregnated with all the life juice and organic energy for the seed to use. The seed though, suffocates and struggles  in the darkness and compactness of being buried.
It knows it will survive …not sure how.

It finds in itself the innate ability to absorb, the nutrients and moisture available around. Something starts to happen as the seed starts getting soaked.
It begins to change …not sure how.

Ever wonder how the change feels to the seed?

So much of breaking up, as it transforms. So much of a stir, before it finally learns to feel the softening. The tremendous endurance before it feels the surrender…

The seed sprouts a shoot. The shoot is so puzzled as it begins to break out of the surface of the ground. It quivers as the first air brushes on it. It faces the brightness of the very first light. It is held up …not sure how.

Ever know what this feels like?

The shoot grows stronger, taller. Head high, seeing all around very clearly.
It blooms. Into a delicate, pretty, beautiful flower. It is crimson and pink all over. It is just Being. Just Being what it had come to become. Not knowing about beautiful or happy or anything.

The flower suddenly gets jolted out of Being. It has a question. “Am I arrogant?
They are saying, I am beautiful and pretty … Am I arrogant?”
It feels the judgment ..not sure how.

Ever wonder about why the embarrassment about what you are blessed with Being?

The flower looks down, to the soil. “I know” it says, “I am up here only because of your nourishment, all that you gave me. I still have my roots in you …will always have my roots in you, as long as I live …roots of my gratitude”. It hears a message back from the soil, “We never said you owe us!”

Ever wonder how different we are as humans, when we serve, just because we were able to?

The flower ponders, “I am up here …all beautiful and pretty. I will be Beauty to the eye that sees me, Fragrance for the one who smells me …as long as I just Be.
Then one day my petals will fall away, one by one. I will no longer be the flower, pretty and beautiful, up here soaking in the sunshine. I will become part of  the soil, to nourish another flower to bloom. I will get a chance to give back then.”
It feels content …a bit sure how.

With a happy smile, the flower looks down at it’s stalk …its connection to the soil and nourishment. It gets puzzled to see thorns and leaves, that it did not see before.
It finds the answer it seeks …not sure how.

The leaves help it absorb the intensity of the sunshine.
The thorns …the thorns …there is sadness on seeing the thorns.
With the morning dew drops as tears, the flower says …”I am sorry I have thorns. I am done being broken down! Don’t touch me, Now I have thorns!!”

“The wounds of the seed as it transformed, to help me be born, I still carry in my soul.”

“I am told I also have a name …Rose is what I am called. I am not sure what all that is about …I am just here as temporarily as you are. I will stand tall and beautiful and pretty as long as you look at me …until I simply fall away …one petal at a time …to return and become the richness of the soil”

Ever wonder how the beauty feels to the flower?