There is a conflicting perception of what is real and what is fake while navigating relationships that are unaware of your inner journey or outright deny your feelings as invalid. They approve only what fits in their world and make what comes from your heart invisible.
They want you to be assured of their love – the one that lies behind their everyday expressions of negativity, sarcasm, facade – the life of only upholding the structures given to them and those that you are required to inherit.
Your invitation to actually care for each other with genuine words and thoughtful gestures rejected as naive. All actions are transactions for how we need each other in times of need – all needs that translate into the Doing aspects not really actually Being there for each other without requiring you to be any different
All your initiatives of heartfelt love are seen as your need for their support when you might need it the next time, and not for the love itself.
There is no receiving, gratitude, or reciprocity, only need, indebtedness, and duty. A made up love and made up relations that we commit and adhere to.
The condition is also that your love has to be contained for this family setting only any expression towards outsiders is foolish or unrequired, unless only exactly as defined by them.
Love and kindness are good in words until you try and implement them – that’s when they want to fix you, to become worldsmart, to play the power games, to lend them your energy and kindness-laden words to bring them the results of their agenda.
Beyond that, they have no trust or allowance for you acting on those words and extending that heartfelt kindness to someone, they don’t approve of.
They want you to get over your mushy heart that cried with hurting from the lack of integrity when expected to conform to feel a part of family You just don’t and won’t agree with hating someone when expected to hate because you are family
And you will get hurt repeatedly when they only insist on having unconscious conversations and otherwise, make you invisible for who you really are Your real conversations – reserve them for those showing up in your Universal Family
Getting past this need for nourishing family relations, standing up for being yourself, holding compassion for what they bring as love and life, not feeling like a fake when speaking their language limited to how we relate – these are the many painful rebirthing parts of the process.
Acutely aware of your inner body the rumble of fear in your belly a holding up in shoulders & your being having to affirm to yourself of the safety, trust, and love available to you
Nourish your inner self with your own love. Invite the ability to be with yourself with comfort and ease Allow the capacity for gratitude For they are exactly who assisted your life journey into this deeper yearning and more expansive Love of your Being the kind which still holds all of them with Love.
I am very thrilled to share that 2 of my poems The Silent Warrior & The Beauty of Disruption are published in the new anthology edited by Anita Nahal – “Pixie Dust & All Things Magical: Global Poetry in English 2022”
I wrote “The Silent Warrior” in 2016, I have linked it above, I didn’t have as many blog friends visiting me back then 🙂 I wrote “The Beauty of Disruption” in 2017 and published it here in 2018. The conversations generated on it were deeply enriching and gratifying for me. I am choosing to share that poem again in this post, as a powerful reminder to myself too, knowing well it might be a repeat for some kind friends who were with me back then and have already read it. Perhaps you will enjoy the repeat.
Beauty of Disruption
When a surging flow of life seems to be disrupted, Because of an un-event that was unexpected, There is a space that is opened up for a rich listening in … To every message that has been missed out on.
When you become willing to pause in that space Deeply nourish yourself with simply being, Precious awareness of fulfilled desires starts unfolding. They may not feel the grandest dreams come true … If you look closely you will find Simple moments that were a dream for longest time.
Enjoy them, relish them … If you go in distress over the disrupt You shut yourself off from your own magical moments coming true. If you look closely you will find The very thing that disrupted your current momentum Has made space for something that you had earnestly yearned.
Receive it fully … Along with the faith that your current dream Is now on its way to you. If you look closely you will find The surge of momentum had actually affected your ability To receive some divine guidance with subtlety.
The surge worked to steer you strongly, The disruption worked to create space To help you settle in that direction, You now move ahead with your trust, faith and intentions Towards your dreams, desires and compulsions With the subtle guidance of your own knowing.
In the space created with the disruption there is richness of all that you have ever asked for. Receive, relish, nourish, and become ready For fresh beginnings in calmer tides of life.
Some long-term relationships have the security of commitment and complete trust. Those in such relations often feel saturated and locked in the roles they either choose for themselves or get defined to. Eventually, distress comes up …
I am deeply overjoyed to share this poem, the first to be published today on MasticadoresUsa. I offer my utmost gratitude to Editor and #1 Amazon Bestseller Author Gabriela Marie Milton for finding my poem worthy of their platform.
The Earth of my Being as if is splitting into parts yet again
Dry lands of my emotions as if fueling Fires of my thoughts
Wildfires spreading no tears raining : : Please go here to read the complete poem. It is an honor and a privilege that you would take the time! Thank You. Thank You. Thank You :)))
Don’t be disappointed If someone doesn’t understand you
Just don’t go looking for milk In a hardware store! (~unknown)
P.S. Dear WP friends, on this lighter note, I am taking a blog break for the month of September …to go to all hardware stores… oh no, not really 🙂 …actually to spend time reintegrating myself, reorganizing life, spending time with family, do some housekeeping around the blogsite. I will perhaps not be able to stay completely away, so might come visit your work every now and then 🙂 Infinite gratitude for your support for Infinite Living.
Note: I had used the quote above in my post on May 30, 2017. It felt good to go on this break with it. I look forward to coming back regrouped and refreshed, perhaps hoping to have touched upon some spaces of lightness and fun!
Photo by myself: Crater Lake, Oregon. Unedited mobile click – what is so ordinary or extraordinary about this picture?
It helps to blur the line between ordinary and extraordinary, whichever end we think us to be on. When extraordinary strength is required for everyday life during challenging situations that seem to be present for a long term, it helps to remember that even ‘normal’ life feels the same periodically.
I realized this when I dealt with a difficult illness for some years with no break of ‘normalcy’. I decidedly trained myself to accept my new normal and then the days that felt really hard became just like any ‘normal’ life. It lifted the burden of Why Me-s and made it somewhat more acceptable to live through the ordinary pain of a seemingly extra-ordinary situation (or vice versa).
And when we think of us as ordinary and normal it helps to remember that we hold the potential for extraordinary. When life is ‘normal’ we take it for granted that only some special people have strength. We forget that they are choosing to be strong. All of us have the choice to go a bit beyond our comfort zone, with integrity to our well being.
I love and admire people who have, what I don’t have in me yet. We need all shades of capacity, resilience and joy in differing measures from time to time. I keep learning to love myself more and more with all my perceived shortcomings. It gives a renewed taste of newfound freedom continually.
All things big and small when dropped to the felt sense become our internal experiences. No experience is ordinary or extra-ordinary, in some ways. Just because it happens to everyone and is normal, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be affected. If our thoughts and emotions are taking over that means our experience is real. It is affecting the quality of our life. Acceptance is being aware of all of that.
When fear grips, it means some perceived and real experiences have left us with no control over how we feel and choose. It becomes a struggle even when we have had a taste of divine faith before. We now seem to have lost the ability to be congruent with the core of our original being. When our system is out of balance the fear might bring up some pain or symptom in the body. We might feel agitation or confusion in the mind, we lose the capacity to connect with divine faith.
It is helpful at such times to create experiences to influence our system in the direction of balance. This can be done in various ways. A breathing practice that brings the body and mind to a calmer & clearer state of being, time in solitude or nature with nurturing activities. To me sometimes I just need honest conversations with people who can act as authentic mirrors to me. Either a friend or mentor who reinforces and channels that sense of trust, faith or divine connection back in our system.
I have found tremendous rich value in this process of intentional shifts between imbalance & balance, ordinary & extraordinary, and fear & faith. I am blessed to be a receiver of such reinforcements from friends and teachers that I reach out to.
I am also grateful to have opportunities to facilitate such shifts through the yoga classes that I teach in group and private sessions. If you are curious check my humble yoga website: http://www.YogaSaar.com
This post is from a train of thoughts that I had saved in my drafts. I would be honored to know what came up for you and if we are able to exchange perspectives.
I shared about my recent knee pain here and how I used it as an opportunity for deeper healing. Since then I have had quite a few conversations with curious and also concerned friends. I was encouraged by one of them to write this part 2 for my post “Liquid Gold” Following are some of the questions/comments I received along with my responses.
Why do you share about your pain publicly? Doesn’t it hurt your image as a healthy yoga teacher, and affect your business?
I do not have a brand to create in this moment, if at all, I am the brand for who and how I am. If there is any public image I strive for, it would be one of authenticity. I am in the business of creating myself in the truest expression of my spirit, and I facilitate that process for my students to the extent they would choose to go. I am a good coach to help someone identify what it is in their way & reach their goals with clarity, if we are a good match to each other.
I am as curious as you are, if my approach creates a well paying business for myself. I am open to discovering it. I forever keep pushing the edges of my skills, courage and vulnerability, and will keep showing up with all that I have in the moment. The results come abundantly in ways we are open to receiving, and that can look different for each one of us. I refuse to create an image of that which I am not in my being and becoming.
You practice yoga every day and also teach people, then how come you have such knee pain suddenly?
I am a human first, then a teacher, practitioner and everything else. Yoga practice does not give me a pain-free pass through life. It gives me the ability to become present to the pain and find a positive skillful way of being through it, and maybe out of it. It gives me the capacity to discern clearly, where is the pain coming from – is it purely physical, or is it also from some stagnant emotions? Is it being inflicted and accumulated from some mental belief that has us make certain choices repeatedly? Often pain has deeper roots than we can imagine.
I am skilled at facilitating this process for others, designing practices that help them become aware of their own body, mind, emotion patterns, and replace them with more aligned, balanced patterns.
Iam a bit worried about you, Pragalbha. Are you taking health risks by treating yourself with yoga & spiritual stuff? Do these affirmations and all work for you because you are really specially spiritual or are you really doing something scientific?
This is in no way to replace expert medical advise (which I did take). I simply believe I have absolutely contributed to whatever pain emerges in my body, and so I need to be of equal or more contribution to my recovery from pain. Sometimes there are perspectives and choices that are needed in addition and for any medicine to take sustained effect.
While my doctor focused on the inflammation aspect of my pain, I focused on lengthening my spine with postural yoga to relieve strain on my knee joint, using my breath to keep my mind calm & clear, and other ways to clear out emotions like fear, inflexibility, anger, resentment that tend to create stiffness and pain in joints. In my case, my knee needed help to allow me to move forward literally and in life. I still have some lingering moments of pain coming back, reminding me that I am falling back into my old patterns. Pain is a very intelligent medium that helps us by its presence, until we heal wholly, deeply and fully. I am in touch with my expert medical practitioner for advice as needed.
Yoga is a science and practice of Being. It helps us get skilled at Being through circumstances without added stresses like fear or worry for example. It helps us get through difficult situations with much more ease, without anything become a major impediment. We are able to function in ways that otherwise might not have become possible. I have seen countless examples of this in students that I work with, be it physical pain or other stresses of life. And of course, I hope to keep sharing my personal journey with honesty.
P.S. If you liked this article, you might like the poem Questions Answered that I wrote back in 2017.
During one of the weekend trainings that I was taking about 5 years ago, another girl who was about my height or an inch taller, came up to me and said
“At your height, you really teach us how to stand really really tall!”
I had a good laugh with her and responded “This (height) is all I ever got, so I just stand that’s all”
She then shared with me how my passionate contributions to discussions had helped her gain confidence in her ability to speak up for herself, ask questions in front of the group.
I don’t remember being bothered, but I have been reminded all my life of being short. Nobody did the reminder as amazingly for me as this kind classmate did!
I thought this was the most memorable thing that anyone said to me. Then few months ago, I was in a phone conversation with a long time friend, sharing our latest life experiences with each other lovingly. She suddenly said “You know Pragalbha –
You live as if someone getting a PhD on the subject of life itself… not just studying but actually living it”
I was speechless, also because I only have an idea of the amount of meticulous research and dedication required of those who pursue the PhD degree. I do not have the experience of it. My educated friend went on to remind me “Oh you are no different, always remember that. You have a similar passion and dedication towards life itself, and to my eyes you live exactly like any other PhD aspirant.”
I remember being bothered by my lack of higher education and degrees behind my name during my younger years. It used to cut into my sense of self worth. A lot of life happened before I grew out of that and found my purpose in life. I feel content and blessed for how I was guided all along to reach where I am. I was absolutely humbled with what my kind friend had to say about my approach to life.
Now I have 2 most memorable things anyone said to me that make me smile when I remember them :)))
I would love to know – What are the most memorable compliments given to you? What do you think of those I shared?