Humbled by Honesty

Brutal Honesty can bring out your vulnerabilities. It is worth it when the result is peace of mind.” I wrote this to myself in 2013.

It had seemed the most challenging year of my life, as I was going through a ravaging health crisis. These words came to me as I was unwillingly about to enter yet another agonizing treatment phase. It was more than unpleasant for me to surrender to becoming completely dependent on others, until I regain strength, yet again.

“Do I really want to do this?” I checked in with myself. Without a pause came a YES! I sensed into how I was feeling, and it was PEACE. I felt so vulnerable to myself even. Because it meant I would be going ahead with the treatment, that too willingly. Saying Yes to an impending suffering by choice seemed like brutal honesty to myself. Why can’t I just deny it and be comfortable in ignorance? I thought. Because I felt the trust, that it was going to be worth it. And it totally was.

It has been deeply humbling how this lesson comes back to me, on repeat, wearing different garbs, cracking me open in every vulnerable spot in my being, everywhere I live in fantasy, everywhere I have a need for some things be a certain way. Though by now, along with it feeling Brutal, I feel a lot of Gratitude. For the Gods of Clarity are inherently kind with the revelations, in my experience.

I have found myself supported in utmost possible ways, before a shot of disillusionment hits me. Resources, divine and worldly, are made available to me in perfect design. I am at times lost in awe of the grace with which I am held and guided through the seemingly unexpected, as much I imagine I could slip down in the pain of another castle of made up reality crashing down.

If we are willing to read closely, there are signs along the way. Only in hind sight are we able to connect the dots, regarding any situation and our own role in it. I am amazed at how much I protected myself from the emerging uncomfortable clarity every single time. Not realizing how many mental justifications and worldly definitions, I keep living with regarding people or situations, that are not really serving anyone truly.

I would go into mediation on a rising sun, an object of meditation as instructed by my teacher Chase Bossart, and see myself sitting in a cave looking at the sun rise only partly, refusing to come out in to the wide open space. While discussing with my teacher I said “there are things I do not want to see, I am not ready for that clarity” That is one instance from couple of years ago.

In the recent months I have shared poetry about being Awake at Dawn, and yet not willing to open the curtains to enjoy the early morning light, wanting to take care of baby Me a little while more. I had been wondering to myself for quite a while why I wouldn’t want to see the light of the day, stay hidden in my cave.

Sunrise on Kauai

It makes me laugh at myself (I will do that only lovingly), at how each time I am shocked at how unexpected something that follows is. I am aware this will keep happening until I clear my own emotional geography at the deepest level that brings me these experiences. It will happen again to show me my ability to step up, in my vulnerability, and integrity. I take full responsibility, and it humbles me. I will keep moving through life with as much kindness to others and myself. This process empowers me and teaches me to live more as myself in the truest sense.

Here’s what I have discovered until now. If there is inherent peace to a decision, it is worth it. It is actually a gift to everyone that you live in fear of hurting. It is up to them to find their truth or not. Fear is a Lie, I heard several times from Dr. Dain Heer’s teachings, and yet only now I realize the extent of how much fear existed in me because of some lies I was allowing to continue. If the lies are not your own to yourself, if they have been coming from other people, they are not going to be happy when you make choices for yourself. This can be painful for those who are as if born with the vow of keeping others happy. Often forgetting themselves in this quest for gifting happiness.

All of this keeps getting much more easier, with quicker recovery from the hits of reality, more surrender with faith to the Divine Guidance – whichever way you tune into it, more courage to make tough choices, with literally miraculous ways and people showing up for you.

Honesty as a conquest is worth it, don’t doubt your own knowing of anything. The peace is not short term. The Peace felt in the Truth is addictive. Life unfolds like you never imagined it to be.

97 thoughts on “Humbled by Honesty

  1. I too find it challenging to have old issues resurface in my life to deal with once more! Like you, I have found that having a healthy toolkit to face it and handle it really helps my mental state to stay balanced, whereas before it had almost destroyed me.

    Learning better life skills doesn’t guarantee that our trouble will be removed from our lives, only that we’ll be better able to handle them!

    Sending you positive thoughts on this re-visitation of an old foe in your life! Keep working your positive tools, and you’ll come through this!

    Liked by 4 people

    • Your knowing and thoughtful response is very valuable dear friend Tamara. I am now very much intending to be very watchful of not exhausting my energy in ways not meant for me. It is funny how the decision to become independent of people-pleasing ways got tested for me in very real ways πŸ™‚ You are right the tool kit is the same for balance in each instance. For that I have gratitude how I become stronger in my skills each time. Thank you so much for your very supportive and affirming response.

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      • πŸ˜‰ my pleasure! Sometimes the strength we can give someone is to remind them of their own skills and abilities! Having this affirmation can be very fortifying!

        Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for being here my friend. I hear you about not knowing what the truth of the moment is. I have spent more time in confusion than I might have admitted, and I know I might land in it again. In our earnest exploration we do reach the destination of our truth time and again, I now believe, and we slowly start identifying that particular flavor of peace. It still takes steady practice to keep with it and not slip into our old pattern. I am about now finding the ability to identify and attempt to stay sharp on it, for there are always hooks that test. Slowing down and checking in, and only following peace and lightness is my current practice. Loads of love to you and your family, wishing you wellbeing always!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow my dear friend, this post is so authentically beautiful and deeply YOU! I truly appreciate you sharing this part of your journey with us and the magnificent way you honor your soul through all your words!!! I always feel the deep emotion and gratitude you soak into your pieces, it’s a delicate resonation that I feel deeply honored to read! Keep shining β­οΈπŸ’«πŸ–€

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is as always a great joy to be read by you dear Ace and so gratifying that you feel the emotion and gratitude in my words. This is me on the way of claiming more and more of being Myself. I am so glad to know of any resonance you find. Thank you very much my friend, much Love & Stay Blessed.

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  3. On the journey there are barriers obstacles and then the way … which usually about letting go of our stories about barriers and obstacles.
    When they re-emerge it’s a wonderful oppprtunity to explore and be with them.
    Reality is always grounding. Be open to what needs to be known πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ’•

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  4. it is like a balance you have to achieve in your soul. A balance of right and wrong. If we ignore our mind screaming inside, then we are there to suffer. Being honest to yourself doesn’t guarantee that you will be all right. But as you said, it will give peace. Peace to consider where we are, what we are doing and of course lots of motivation.
    Loved this post so so much.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Oh dear Pragalbha, this is how sometimes I feel. It’s like you wrote my heart out…. I so believe they honesty is a conquest, often seems a slow journey! ❀️❀️ Very well said. I enjoyed reading throughout, please continue to share with us. Have a lovely day dear. 😍

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wow, so many realizations and truths in this wonderfully beautiful and vulnerable piece, dear Pragalbha. This resonated deeply with me, “I am amazed at how much I protected myself from the emerging uncomfortable clarity every single time. Not realizing how many mental justifications and worldly definitions, I keep living with regarding people or situations, that are not really serving anyone truly.” I remember the exact moment there was a choice within me that I could see clearly for the first time, and it scared me so much, yet, as my teacher continued to work with me, I continued to choose vulnerability, cracking myself open along the way, again, and again. And, in the end, that is how the light gets in, and gets out, breaking again and again, stepping into the difficulty, surrendering to the knowing, and being peace. I am so fortunate to read your lovely post on this most lovely evening. Blessed to know you, my dear friend. β€οΈπŸ™

    Liked by 1 person

    • It means a lot to me that you share your personal experience that is so clearly in line with my sharing πŸ™πŸΌ Your words are in such soothing beautiful resonance, truly add to my peace. I appreciate and loved your words – that is how the light gets in, and gets out – these and everything else, positively grounding trust that this is exactly how it works. It is very much my blessings too to interact with you. Thank you very much πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’›

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  7. I hope your health has improved Prag, when our own self is at risk, we have to respond to honesty within us. People may’ve veered away from honesty, may scoff at those who try to stick to it but that doesn’t rule out the positive aspects of this virtue. Stay blessed and take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    • My health has been Gracefully restored Balroop πŸ™πŸΌ lots of life lessons continue to be reinforced πŸ™‚ You said it all so perfectly, very true there is virtue in truth even if there might not be enough company in it. Thank you very much for your thoughtful and valuable response πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’›

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Profound and impactful post, Pragalbha. We all are going through some kind of vulnerability in this World of ours. Our World too is shifting to another dimension which is more spiritual and vibrant and we as with all our might have to push through and be the loving, kind, grateful beings and what you are doing is so beautiful and lovely. Keep it going.

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  9. Pragalbha, your writing contains many gems and as I have written before, your willingness to honestly share personal challenges and discoveries made in the process, empowers not only you, but others. I also get a sense of the discoveries you make during the act of writing – an unfolding of awareness that writing offers you. πŸ’– You are a light.✨

    Liked by 3 people

    • You are very kind Michele to shine your own guiding light on and through my process of writing and living. I wish to rest in the light and lightness available for me, free myself of the exhaustion from all the facades around and my own illusions. Thank you for showing me the power in where I am and how I am doing this.

      Liked by 2 people

      • It is an honor to read about your personal journey and ongoing evolution. Your questions and lessons arrive in the form of a mirror that we can each look into and make our own discoveries. Writing that one could return to again and again, each time learning something new, based on circumstances and mindset. Your wishes are admirable and, I believe, attainable based on your willingness and openness. You are most welcome. πŸ’

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  10. It is so affirming that in your wisdom you are surrounded by so many wise humans who share your journey and theirs — that is what I experience reading your post and the comments.

    such loving power and honesty.

    I have learned, again and again, that whenever ‘old stuff’ interrupts my flow, the first thing I must do to reclaim my balance is to say to myself, “That was then. This is now. In this now I am safe, loved, cherished. What am I not seeing that is fogging up my truth of now?” And then, I let the wisdom surface.

    I feel as I read your post, that inner knowing constantly flowing, constantly bringing you loving awareness. Such a beautiful gift.

    Many blessings to you Pragalbha as you journey through this journey of well-being.

    Liked by 1 person

    • What you have shared from your repeat learning is so soothing and supportive of my journey. I love the question – What am I not seeing that is fogging up my truth of now? – it opens up to expansive possibilities, out of stuck in limited reality.

      You are very kind in your appreciation and acknowledging of my journey, truly means the world to me, to be seen and affirmed by you. Thank you so much for your blessings and kind visit πŸ™πŸΌπŸ’›

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  11. Isn’t this amazing how you conquered and took everything in your stride, acknowledgment and belief in taking everything and everyone on this space of no judgment or acceptance. 2013 was a very tough year for me and destroyed everything I set in place. It sets the tone for depression and anxiety, anger taking me a long time to accept and move away from. I will read this post again to let it sink.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your generous positive acknowledgment of my post and journey to be a space of no judgement and acceptance gives me a grateful smile πŸ™πŸΌ 2013 seems to be the year of intensity, thank you for sharing it was so for you too. It gives me great contentment to know you found value in this post to revisit again. The effects of the intensity you describe are real. It takes tremendous intention and effort to transform using them. Wishing you the best of ease and joy, for there is no turning back. Thank you very much for your kind visit and thoughtful response.

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  12. I’m in sync on brutal honesty. The brutality is more towards oneself. Yet in its pain it brings out inner peace, at least at some stage.
    I really like this. Also your name sounds very pleasant. But I’ve never heard it before. Any special meaning of Pragalbha?

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  13. “If there is inherent peace to a decision, it is worth it”…thank you for saying this. Its always challenging to make big decisions and oftentimes i am left with no decision at all, or left feeling sad for choosing something over another thing

    Your words here will definetely be something i will remember whenever i am face with yet again another decision making quest.

    Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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  15. I am glad that you are able to read the signs on the path of your life and grow Pragalbha. “The Peace felt in the Truth is addictive. Life unfolds like you never imagined it to be.”….This is a powerful learning. Keep growing with grace and be at peace. Much power and strength to you Pragalbha πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your positive words of support are very empowering and valuable to me dear Radhika. It helps to feel understood, the learning is powerful and yet very vulnerable too. Thank you for this – Keep growing with grace and be at peace – it means a lot to me,

      Liked by 1 person

  16. What a vulnerable and raw post my dear friend. It says so much about you, your strengths, overcoming your fears and just speaking your truth, laying it on the table, unfazed of who understands and perhaps picks it apart. You are showing us the meaning of trusting and listening to your intuition, your inner voice, consulting with ourselves for the answers are always within us. I am engulfing you in healing white light while sending a wish for a speedy recovery and embracing the pain in the meantime. Much love to you courageous soul. πŸ’™πŸ™πŸΌ

    Liked by 1 person

    • What a gift how clearly you see and kindly you read into my lines. Your reflection of my writing is so empowering and supportive for me. You understand and help me see that I do have that unfazed trust, while vulnerable to not being understood or my truth taken apart – those are real experiences too on the path of unraveling in our Truth. Thank you so much for such beautiful generous reading and the white healing light, I receive it fully πŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ’›πŸ’›βœ¨βœ¨βœ¨

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Being honest with yourself is important for peace. Even if it hurts those around you it’s only temporary and if they love you, they too will come around. I learnt it in 2006 when my mom passed away. However it took some time for those around me to accept my truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for such thoughtful reflection and sharing πŸ’› These lessons do come with great difficult times often. I am very glad to know that those around you eventually did come to acceptance.

      Like

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