The words on the picture above formed a short post Your Choice, published on April 30, 2017.
While I was thinking for a picture to pair with the poem Love Warrior, the above came to mind, along with wanting to add words from the older post to make it into a word image. I am shaking my head to myself over this compulsion I am feeling, to combine various elements to a post instead of just sharing the poem I intended to. Perhaps they are slightly different flavors of Love Warrior. I hope you enjoy the expressions of this phase I am going through.
Love warrior Made Unseen Unfelt Unnoticed After being Seen Felt Noticed
Love Warrior Not Victim Yet Victim From Heart assaulted Ignored Gaslighted
Love Warrior Taking space Humbly Courageously Vulnerably Still looked down By those Taking space Boldly Unapologetically Powerfully
Love Warrior At war within Without enough Self Love Wary from Letting go Expectations of Natural reciprocity Even from those Placed in rolesof Nurturing tender hearts And failed to deliver
Love Warrior Daring to be so alone No complacency For want of company Often doubting sanity Counting blessings Cultivating Gratitude Choosing Love
Love Warrior Colored leaf Drifting Through space Finding Ground Becoming One With Earth Finding And receiving Divine reciprocity
Love Warrior Becoming the Ground For bold ones standing their ground Holding space For unapologetics to walk upon Lending strength For the powerful to use From the subtle Power of Humble Courage And vulnerability
Love Warrior Often Invisible Being The ground And space The embrace They themselves Yearn for
Note to dear blog friends: I have become slower in my visits to your blogs, I still treasure my visits to read you work the same, I will keep doing so, just going through shifts in routine.
The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion, the tunnel is.
We parked our vehicle on a tiny street lined with closely spaced homes. We walked along to find a tiny opening between homes. It was this path filled with sand that led to the ocean.
There was no guessing of the expanse to which, that tunnel on Earth opened up. It felt like a magical portal. Especially because we walked through the tunnel before sunrise, so it was dark until we saw some light when out on the other side. The pictures of the tunnel were taken on our way out, so you can see the light coming through the roof made of branches.
This is from our trip to Oahu, Hawaii Islands in February 2021. The experience of being here felt so much like life itself. There is so much intricate and exquisite beauty available that we are actually immersed in when we go through the seeming dark tunnels – light keeps leaking in the form of exact people and guidance pouring from all directions. The sand keeps the feet engaged mindfully (I walked barefoot here), there are occasional pricks to make sure I am present to where I am and also heeding my direction.
Intense times Life itself Shapeshifting Dig my heels To stay standing And oriented
Dropping All things head Into my heart So I don’t Lose myself In the fluid reality So I do Find myself In the flow easily
Guiding Light So present for me In the seeming Absence of it too I honor the seeming Dark spaces They are actually Healing forces gathering Fuel for my ExpansiveBeing All that is exactly needed For ease, joy & well-being
I am amused how this post turned out to be a combination of pictures, a bit of prose and the poem. The poem is what I wanted to post and the rest just tagged along, tugging in my mind to go with the poem. I was happy to see it all seemed to connect well – hope you enjoy this mixture of a post and the poem itself. I am curious to know which part spoke to you most.
You are annoyed with me Because I insist on Love No matter what
No matter what I love you too From the distance We are both Comfortable at
I wondered about these words that clearly chose how I would resume back from my month long blog break. I questioned if this was the best inspiration or wisdom I managed to wring out from all the living I did this past month.
September mostly turned out to be a family oriented month with few milestones and celebrations that I enjoyed with fulfillment. I am also aware of all the growing up that happened for me inwardly while going through life that spilled out into the world.
It is perhaps known to all who commit to their personal and spiritual growth that the immediate signs of our evolution is reflected very clearly in how it affects our relations. The About page of my blog is when I first realized that I am now(then in 2015) able to see myself beyond all the definitions of the relations that I have soulfully invested myself in. Yet, after writings and writings on the skillful ways of relating to myself and others, I am deeply humbled at how repeatedly I face my own patterns of how I live in illusion of what some relations are, instead of what they really are.
I forever lived with the belief that Love sustains all, Love can bring any transformation, Love prevails all, Love heals all …I so badly wanted some of my relations a certain way, full of genuine love and kindness, that I was blinded to the art of healthy boundaries. I had to learn something I thought I was done learning so long ago. I questioned the integrity of my Love. I asked myself – after getting hurt so many times from the demands of transactional relationships, after so many awakenings and poetry, etc. what is it that value you want to show up with for anyone? The answer was still Love. I felt relieved for not losing that one thing that I based all my life on.
My mistake was to not allow the spaciousness that Love is. To not allow space for myself for the Love to bloom in nourishing ways for myself, along with those I insisted on with so much Love. They are literally annoyed and angry with me that I am not annoyed and angry at life exactly the way they are. I had to learn the lesson fresh, crisp and clear that no amount of sacrifice of my love and care for myself, is enough to make the other feel loved and cared for.
Some relations are the stickiest tests of our ability to stay in integrity to our core values of Being. They are an opportunity to me to cultivate the value of Love no matter what. Nobody needs to be held hostage to my definition of Love, just like I do not enjoy being hooked to any drama and games in the name of relations. Love with capital L is unconditional, devoid of any conditions of how it should look like in daily life. It can be as true and pure, even from a distance of time and space, if required.
Loving Note to my dear Blog Friends : Thank you for being here for me as I truly used this break to enjoy free blocks of time along with some joyful busyness. Each time I return to this space, it is with utmost gratitude in my heart. I look forward to making my way to your works that I missed.
Also I wish to humbly share with you this link for a Stress Reduction Virtual Workshop that I co-presented for Brown & Toland’s Physicians Group. The workshop is now added to the library on their wellness page and available for free public access: https://www.brownandtoland.com/wellness I would be honored to know if you were able to take the 45 mins to watch it fully.
Don’t be disappointed If someone doesn’t understand you
Just don’t go looking for milk In a hardware store! (~unknown)
P.S. Dear WP friends, on this lighter note, I am taking a blog break for the month of September …to go to all hardware stores… oh no, not really 🙂 …actually to spend time reintegrating myself, reorganizing life, spending time with family, do some housekeeping around the blogsite. I will perhaps not be able to stay completely away, so might come visit your work every now and then 🙂 Infinite gratitude for your support for Infinite Living.
Note: I had used the quote above in my post on May 30, 2017. It felt good to go on this break with it. I look forward to coming back regrouped and refreshed, perhaps hoping to have touched upon some spaces of lightness and fun!
I felt moved to repost this inspiration first published on August 22, 2016. It has come back to me to help me look at my own deeper wounds and how I am doing at allowing the light to bring healing. I have had a long unconscious tendency to overlook all that is hurtful and gloss it over with positivity and love. Until the lies to myself stop working, I am forced to face the truth. I am grateful to find the capacity for greater deep dives in the crevices of my wounds than ever before.
There’s an empty glass of water sitting on the counter. It is broken. It is holding together but it has been shattered and has cracks going all direction. I look at it and see just that and nothing else …a piece of broken glass.
If you try to think of a situation or event in life that might have shattered your intact way of being …what do you really think of ? A situation that has cracked your core and wounded you open in places? Or something that has been bothering you very much since yesterday or last week? The broken glass probably doesn’t really represent anything to you. Life is perfect …except that this person, yesterday or last week, did not behave well, had a wrong attitude, did not do exactly like you expected or even deserved. My glass is as intact as ever. Now if I somehow make evident to this person that he/she has wronged me, I can get on with my perfect life … 🙂
I glance up out of the window behind the counter. There is this big vibrant sweet gum tree, always standing tall majestically, un-wavered through the winds and seasons. There are 2 men cutting off overgrown branches. The ones that were weighing down on the core were being fell to the ground.The idea made me feel light. They then raked off the fallen leaves and branches, leaving the ground clean and green again. A lot felt cleared on the slate of my mind. The sky was in better view now that the tree was trimmed.
Looking down at the broken glass again, sunlight now reached through the window and pierced through the broken glass …as if pouring through the cracks …filling them up, making it shine like never before.
I closed my eyes. Trying to imagine the healing golden light pour through my wounds and cracks. The glass became all gold but a dull one …no more cracks. Instantly I erased it and opened my eyes. If I am healed of my cracks I better look lustrous, I do not accept dullness!! …Ohhh do I accept my cracks?!!!
Are they caused by blows caused by other people or person? No, I do not play that blame game in my life. Did I allow those to be caused to me? Was I never strong enough to stand up to myself? That self-judgment doesn’t feel good and hurts me. So I am not going to relate to that broken glass in any way!!!
How many times do we try to mask and escape this way? In day to day life, what are we really looking at? Is it really the person yesterday that has made your life miserable? Or is there a deeper patterning at work here, a deeper healing that we are denying ourselves? Healing of our health, and also relationships, with ourselves and the most significant to us. So, all that is bare and there, is there to nourish us.
Be brave to see the cracks, the deep wounds, let light enter through them, seal them and heal them. Let the glass hold the gold of clarity for you to drink from it. A crack in the roof of a deep dark cave lets the light in …imagine the exhilaration of seeing your path clearly, when you encounter that crack. What chipped the roof to make that crack, all the trauma that it endured, is just the drama that can become your story, that you might tell one day.
Be wiling to see your cracks …not as some external object or person. Sometimes we have shown such enormous endurance towards something un-imagined, or even unacknowledged, we don’t dare to look back at it …making us cranky at the most trivialthough. Sure it is very human and also helpful in the healing process. But really if you see what you are looking at and what you are trying to escape, it becomes a true digesting of life events …tantrums, tears and all that are a part of it. Let it flow!
The light will always lead you to solace …if you allow it to enter you …pierce through you …seal you and heal you and shine you!
“Brutal Honesty can bring out your vulnerabilities. It is worth it when the result is peace of mind.” I wrote this to myself in 2013.
It had seemed the most challenging year of my life, as I was going through a ravaging health crisis. These words came to me as I was unwillingly about to enter yet another agonizing treatment phase. It was more than unpleasant for me to surrender to becoming completely dependent on others, until I regain strength, yet again.
“Do I really want to do this?” I checked in with myself. Without a pause came a YES! I sensed into how I was feeling, and it was PEACE. I felt so vulnerable to myself even. Because it meant I would be going ahead with the treatment, that too willingly. Saying Yes to an impending suffering by choice seemed like brutal honesty to myself. Why can’t I just deny it and be comfortable in ignorance? I thought. Because I felt the trust, that it was going to be worth it. And it totally was.
It has been deeply humbling how this lesson comes back to me, on repeat, wearing different garbs, cracking me open in every vulnerable spot in my being, everywhere I live in fantasy, everywhere I have a need for some things be a certain way. Though by now, along with it feeling Brutal, I feel a lot of Gratitude. For the Gods of Clarity are inherently kind with the revelations, in my experience.
I have found myself supported in utmost possible ways, before a shot of disillusionment hits me. Resources, divine and worldly, are made available to me in perfect design. I am at times lost in awe of the grace with which I am held and guided through the seemingly unexpected, as much I imagine I could slip down in the pain of another castle of made up reality crashing down.
If we are willing to read closely, there are signs along the way. Only in hind sight are we able to connect the dots, regarding any situation and our own role in it. I am amazed at how much I protected myself from the emerging uncomfortable clarity every single time. Not realizing how many mental justifications and worldly definitions, I keep living with regarding people or situations, that are not really serving anyone truly.
I would go into mediation on a rising sun, an object of meditation as instructed by my teacher Chase Bossart, and see myself sitting in a cave looking at the sun rise only partly, refusing to come out in to the wide open space. While discussing with my teacher I said “there are things I do not want to see, I am not ready for that clarity” That is one instance from couple of years ago.
In the recent months I have shared poetry about being Awake at Dawn, and yet not willing to open the curtains to enjoy the early morning light, wanting to take care of baby Me a little while more. I had been wondering to myself for quite a while why I wouldn’t want to see the light of the day, stay hidden in my cave.
It makes me laugh at myself (I will do that only lovingly), at how each time I am shocked at how unexpected something that follows is. I am aware this will keep happening until I clear my own emotional geography at the deepest level that brings me these experiences. It will happen again to show me my ability to step up, in my vulnerability, and integrity. I take full responsibility, and it humbles me. I will keep moving through life with as much kindness to others and myself. This process empowers me and teaches me to live more as myself in the truest sense.
Here’s what I have discovered until now. If there is inherent peace to a decision, it is worth it. It is actually a gift to everyone that you live in fear of hurting. It is up to them to find their truth or not. Fear is a Lie, I heard several times from Dr. Dain Heer’s teachings, and yet only now I realize the extent of how much fear existed in me because of some lies I was allowing to continue. If the lies are not your own to yourself, if they have been coming from other people, they are not going to be happy when you make choices for yourself. This can be painful for those who are as if born with the vow of keeping others happy. Often forgetting themselves in this quest for gifting happiness.
All of this keeps getting much more easier, with quicker recovery from the hits of reality, more surrender with faith to the Divine Guidance – whichever way you tune into it, more courage to make tough choices, with literally miraculous ways and people showing up for you.
Honesty as a conquest is worth it, don’t doubt your own knowing of anything. The peace is not short term. The Peace felt in the Truth is addictive. Life unfolds like you never imagined it to be.
I have circled back to square one yet again in my journey of Becoming myself. It is my responsibility to patiently skillfully claim who I am. I Am the ripple and the wave that keeps flowing in to her destiny. I receive this gift of melting diffusion of my being fully, breathing and being with it.
A Moved Heart, deep no-tears-eyes feeling tears. This is pure energy transmission through pure intent. This is Truth of the moment. This is Love. On my next phase, I work on absolute skill in silence or speech, than ever before. My Life is Changed Forever. I am stunned and moved, and receiving deeply. I am ready. Whatever that means.
In this moment I accept my wholeness. I leave it to the shift and process to work itself through me. It feels empowering. I am thrilled at the lack of the lurking fear and overwhelm. The prayers and blessings are at work at all dimensions. This energy is so fluid and expansive.
I am done blinding myself from the clarity available to me. I am done being so cautious of stepping into it. I feel the grief of mothering others’ emotions and then letting go. I cared for how much they needed me to need them and so became the needy one they needed me to be. I have been part of the game too, trying to keep it all so comfortable. Oh Truth is not such. So much peace in this moment I don’t know who I am anymore. That makes me smile, it shows me my raw beginning yet again, to get back to being who I was, am, to be. I flow in to my destiny, from this moment here now.
I am not stuck here, I am planted and blooming. There is pulsating power within, my container is adjusting, recalibrating for this shift. I am reminding myself these sensations are not pain they are sensations of divine rearrangement of energy itself, tangible and intangible. This process is going to stay alive for some while, I will stay present and silent. What Gift, Grace, Gratitude – to hold this unfolding, in utmost reverence! Thank You is what covers it and doesn’t begin to cover it, for the revelations and truth that are a grace of this lifetime.
This post is a modifiedcompilation of my comments that came in response to Amy Rose on a recent post of mine Layers Illuminated. I decided to make my end of this recent conversation into a post to turn the profound shift into a powerful affirmation, own and embody it fully. I would be honored to know how this post spoke to you.
The process keeps going life beside you yearn for a bit longer respite A sense of having found a ground maybe for a day and yet again slip down Another layer being called to shed more, then called to show up and Be more
Allowing lower energy mind games to penetrate to become like others around to be able to relate Showing how attached still to comforts of certainty then suffering for not being your own self worthily
Feel and sense the divide happening Grief of as if current reality leaving Comes with having to keep going while still staying in your Being
Cusp of opening up from the guardedness feel the transition and rawness The waves keep coming yes you hope you can let go… Maybe this is how it looks like always you simply learn to breathe better in calmness
PS : This poem was composed sometime last year from my response to one of Sue Dreamwalker’s post on her profoundly inspirational blog Dreamwalker’s Sanctuary.I realized I had never published it.
My original fear, I forever lived with it. I have spent enormous time looking at it, understanding it. Allowing healing to come.
It comes in layers and layers, tough work this is. Work of this lifetime, scraping down through the bottomless pit. Peeling, shedding, newly forming. Visible and invisible outwardly. Is healing ever done?
It became evident with clarity, it had literally been eating away at my heart, mind, body and existence. It made me so gravely ill at times.
I am on the other side of it now, the most than ever before, if not completely. I am aware of how it works. I am now able to enjoy spaces of no words, no requirements, no neediness, no projection of outcomes. Trusting all that needs to flow through.
The choices come to me. It is what it is. Grateful for the reminder to me that I Am doing some actual work, that I Am brave.
It is so easy to often feel small compared to the robust human pursuits and accomplishments around. They are all so valid. I forget to find the same worth in the pursuit as a seeker, to celebrate where I am. Who I am.
Yet I do cherish and indulge in the joyful spaces of nothingness that I often land in.
Love is the way, the only way and always the way. Hate, judgement and separation only creates suffering. Our own choices that we make right here on this planet, our perspectives shape our reality. When we see the death of our perceived reality, feel the pain and rawness, experience rebirth, rise to the guidance of spirit, we then know the difference.
You become the one whose mere presence anywhere would shine the light to this truth. Doesn’t matter who sees it, they feel it and they don’t know what just made them uncomfortable. For it takes a certain journey to know it for what it is. What reality in all truth and love looks like.
I am in deep gratitude for those who really support and empower my process by showing exactly how it is done, own the light and shine it. Their words and radiance illuminate me. I am in awe of their self awareness. They model not only high positive regard towards life but also towards themselves. Give themselves a significant space in this fabric of life. They are a huge inspiration to me. I find all the escapes and excuses not to shine. To stay in the shell. Yet the force is relentless in how it pulls me out and into the Light. So I trust the process. I trust the process.
This post is a thought process that has come from my responses to some posts by Amy on her blog Heaven On Earth. The energy coming through her photography is absolutely that kind from beyond. Each and everyone of her picture is stunning, a pure glimpse of Mother Nature in all true love and glory . My words in the last paragraph are for Amy absolutely, for she has been a tremendous inspiration and support to me always.
I am thrilled to share this Poetry in Collaboration with Amber from DiosRaw. When Amber invited me to write poetry together I doubted myself. Yet with her gentle loving nudge, I decided to give it a try. It was a very beautiful experience to engage in, with the brilliant lines she would send me, and I would add a line to it. It was a truly immersive experience, and that too in the very topic of Truth! What a gift, thank you Amber for this unique experience and opportunity!Here it is, the lines in italic are mine, that follows each of Amber’s lines:
Absolute Truth arcane masked in plain sightSeeking soul Suffering heart Existence blightBefuddled by the many vandalized paths to know our birthrightSeemingly battered, finding & losing, losing & finding our own Light
Ridiculed unaware by many, revered by few diverging paths of hazeAssured yet doubting our way through the mazeBreaking into the comfort of the unknown eternity to set the soul ablazeOceanic waves of the heart to swim through that often rage
The house of mirrors of the cosmos, reflecting Truth in the stirring of the chemical universal potParticles settling, soothing clarity descends, buoying up the Light of Truth soughtThe Truth may not be as you conceive, before you wake up in the lessons of nets caughtThe truth is in all that you perceive, after you wake up to the knowing in your gutAlerting to soul growth, Truth beckons from the depths of bodily and psychological painReturning to self core, Truth awakens to the expanse of the universe and wisdom innateTruth is the Reality, all else is ignorance, deception, distraction, distortion, limitation and indoctrination and the elaborate mystery we imagine life.