Emotional Orphan

Loneliness - Sunrise at Kala Pathar beach - Havelock - 1F8A1052

Loneliness by Atanu Chakraborty

Orphan
Emotional Orphan
Born intact with every organ

A roof over head
Food & family all provided
Yet never felt loved or if mattered
Never touched & hugged & assured
When bodily sick, definitely for-cared
With food & medicine & worry vexed

Born from the womb of the one
Whose heart severely lascerated
Parents two souls on a journey calliberated
Unaware they carry the precious seed
Of the radiant one born of them

Orphan
Emotional Orphan
Knows deeply the fountain of joy

Looks around at the gloom
Paints own fantasy of life abloom
Imagines miniscule castles, tales of adventures
On the floor tiles, as if living a grand dream

Life awash with gleeful eyes
The shine, the glow and laughter
Made kin & cousins wonder why such rejoice
As if something wrong that always the smiles
Misconstrued & confused tears flew miles

Conforming to belong and pleading
Tears flow as if heart open bleeding
Amazing grace & strength head held high
At times weeping cries that pierced the soul
Tribe mocking now looking wry
All this perfect life you have -and you still cry?

The vibrant outlook on life
Does it strip away the human need
To ever have someone just sob
To be comforted and held close to womb
To be assured, guided & emotions lightened?
The radiant one always chose strength
Now bleary gives up at length
Choice of strength refrained from all & any nurture
Own mind became a tormenting torture

Orphan
Emotional Orphan
Lost in relentless effort to create beauty
Through emotions & relations & dreams

Trying to earn the love in between screams
Taken for granted as blessed & blissed
Gratitude taken, it’s intention missed

Shelter & food & names called family
Burdens of keeping up heritage heavily
To get any love, earn it & yearn it seethingly
Deserve it & now demand it just for Being
Have given up heart & soul for the tribe
Not willing now to live life searing
As if pieced by the cutting knife

All misunderstood only for seeking love
Blamed for indifference & ingratitude
Guilt feeling for just breathing alive
As if unworthy of choosing or receiving any joy
Dripping dried tears of blood from the heart
Brick hard becomes the throbbing head
All this while trying to paint life beautiful red …

 

P.S. This post first appeared on This Glorious Mess on Medium

P.S 2 – This is a contribution to dear Debbie’s ForgivingFridays on ForgivingConnects Her blog is a beautiful space that facilitates forgiveness and peace for all distressed souls.

Ablaze with Truth

IMG_2118

‘ABLAZE’  – Photo by Manish Doshi

 

It is a visceral feeling.
The emotion of anger.
It feels like an old one. It is so physical as if ablaze.
That block, the lead block right on the core of my heart, it is heavily burrowing down. Into the deep abyss of my being.
Get it offf now!

I am angry. I am angry about smiling through it all …all these years.
I am angry that I had such positivity. ..all these years.
I am angry I had so much love and the need for love in me that I overlooked and even enjoyed this same thing.
I am angry that I wasn’t angry the first time this happened.

I am speaking the truth regarding this for the first time.
The truth that I had no idea of. The truth that was buried deep down to fulfill my other needs.
That’s it.
It has been my choice all along. To smile through it. To keep finding what is right in it. To hold it in my pot of love.

Today it is me who has changed.
It is me who has become aware of my hidden truth.

I am actually ablaze with this revelation.
With no skill whatsoever to contain it and express it, it has come as anger.

It is still visceral …yet it has changed.
The blaze has softened. I have finally seen it and honored it for what it is.
The iron block on my heart, still there.
It is so much of grief and guilt over my unskilled expression of my truth.
My assumption that it is wrong to feel this anger. That it is wrong to feel this bad, about something I accepted as normal, all my life.

Awakening to my own truth and suddenly choosing it and living it, is a very raw experience.
As if a rebirth into another person.
Definitely an unexpected guest, often an unpleasant one, in the lives of those accustomed to my smiling through it.
I decide to accept my anger for what it is.
I give myself permission to feel the human emotion of anger.

It came as a visceral wave of awakening and it has passed.
I am left with this heavy brick on my heart
I pour love for myself. Hold myself with compassion.

It is amazing to physically feel the brick soften.
And now melt and diffuse.
I feel space. I feel a soft strength.
There is a freshness in the way of my being.
There is a quiet quiet space of being.
Soothing and healing and forgiving.
I will stay immersed in this silence today.

 

P.S. This post is a contribution to ForgivingFridays of dear blogger Debbie. My wish is of self healing and forgiving through the process of becoming aware of our own Truth.

This post was originally published at This Glorious Mess on Medium

Choose Differently

IMG-20170828-WA0003

Photo Credit : Niranjana Shah

Don’t choose the difficult

Only to prove you Can choose the difficult

Choose what is Right even if it is difficult

Often it is the Simplest that is the most difficult

Gratitude Attitude

 

IMG_7251

Photo Credit: Vikram Phale

My gratitude is not my weakness
My softening at heart not my meekness

My gratitude was once my survival
My breaking down was emerge & arrival

My gratitude is now my treasure
My attitude by which I measure

My gratitude is actually my strength
My existence made magnificent at length

My gratitude propels my life velocity
My refuge it is to contain life’s intensity

My gratitude is not my neediness
My choice it is to stay connected with Oneness

 

P.S. Dear Debbie, please accept this Gratitude poem as a contribution to ForgivingFridays

Fly Solo!

Cattle Egret - taking off -   Ranganathittu - 1F8A5609.jpg

Cattle Egret – taking off -By Atanu Chakraborty

When a bird let’s go off the perch …
Does the bird look around for relatives?
Comrades of same feathers to accompany
Does it seek, during flight, some life perspectives?
From a higher vantage point, some harmony

When a bird let’s go off the perch …
Does the bird itself taking flight
Become a perspective?
For those looking up to it

When a bird let’s go off the perch …
It finds the ability to fly above it all
Any kind of wrongness or rightness
Leaving all hesitation behind
Its flight is all lightness
The joy and strength in its wings
A sense of freedom it rings

The ability to fly off the perch in itself
Is a maturity in perspectives
It is the ability to simply Be
Your potential and your joy and your ease

What helps you fly in the first place
Is your letting go in space
Of all that you hold on to
Sometimes it is the need for control
Sometimes the lack of trust
To let go and follow your soul

Truth

To sustain on truth alone
Is the strength of the ones lone

When some innate trust is broken
Ground underneath as if is shaken
They become unafraid to be on their own

With courage once won the morbid
They learn not to depend on anything extrinsic
To be able to feel rock solid

The sweetness of life becomes known
When other such aware souls
Come their way to support and as if to affirm

Surrender to the joy of your truth lone
Never then is there a moment of feeling alone.

 

Step into the New …You

It is too long that you stayed in that shell …to keep others comfortable.

There are some around you who have always loved you, with whom you are amazing and it is easy. You feel safe being yourself. Then why walk on eggshells in the rest of the world? Why numb and dumb down the goodness and brightness in you ? Sometimes to the point that you feel like the most ungracious or insensitive person?

Nobody realizes that you are trying to be just the opposite, or simply trying to fit in. You value them too much …more than yourself! They are getting used to that …your misery even. And you are getting comfortable with that. In your mind you are being nice to them …stop …just stop!

They are taking your appreciation and praise, for everything about them, as your weakness, or worse jealousy. When you soar higher than what they perceive you to be (and you are still nowhere in your perception) …what will you take their unappreciation of your journey as? How will you look at their lack of acknowledging of your existence?

Look at those who really ‘see’ you. You seem to do everything right towards them.

Break the shell, crack open …Do what it takes! It’s worth it! They will find others who feed their comfort. Yes, give them the shock …stop hurting so much!

They will have to step up, to be able to understand you and cheer you in your growth. They will have to know the pain you pay as your dues. The grace you are showing as you choose to crack open and take flight.

You in your truthfulness will mourn your perceived loss of some of them, because you truly cared about them. That’s why you kept them comfortable while you suffered being trapped in an unwholesome reality.

Yes, I know you also have done some things wrong to some. Those too will reach out to you or you to them, in your growth. Just that you are not accountable to all of them this very minute, so don’t judge yourself so hard.

Go ahead take that step, a small change, break open, fly. The ones ready for growth will grow with you, or even break some towards their own growth. Some will fall away, as you both cannot see eye to eye now.

Forgive yourself, forgive them, love yourself, love them, allow yourself to Be, allow them to Be. Trust me, trust me, trust me it’s worth it. When you feel stuck and choose to wiggle out, it hurts, it’s worth it.

The ones who care for you and the ones you care for, will have to accept you as you are today. Let them know you want ONE with them, you are one of them. But be stronger on your own path. Some of them Never let go!!

Break out of anything you are keeping yourself in …one step at a time!

A true Relation

The richness of togetherness
Often is in the casualness
And the assuredness
In the seperateness

There is not much of day-to-day missing
More of the genuine caring and sharing
Relation sometimes easily taken granted
But never in the least slanted
Utmost trust and respect
Not a you-versus-me prospect

The differences are the strength
Work em out or let them be
The samenesses are the faith
On which you operate as WE

There is no as such fairy tale
There’s some laughs and some wail
It’s just how you help fly and sail
Look at the other soar with pride
While keeping pride itself aside

Each is a person evolving sole
Infinite being exclusively
It takes the finest of soul
To watch you on your own be whole
Yet be a partner unconditionally

Do I need an occasion or apprehension
To celebrate this true relation?
The heart spoke to me auspicious today
With such feeling and emotion …

Relationships …a choice or a privilege!

Recently I read a facebook post from renowned Indian actor Atul Kulkarni. It was titled “Relationships should have Expiry Dates”

While some commentators agreed and understood the essence of his message, some others were greatly offended.

The post is as follows …

“At EVERY step, The nature teaches us IMPERMANENCE. And also its inevitability.
But WE design our lives around permanence. Around durability.
May it be properties , belongings or other ‘things’.
Or then Human Relationships!!
Every relationship, with belongings or with humans, should have an expiry date. Especially artificial arrangements like marriage system. There should be a chance right WITHIN THE SYSTEM of either renewing the relationship or terminating it after a particular period…
With that kind of a MENTAL and EMOTIONAL preparedness, we would think and behave differently.
When we accept this ‘temporariness’ ; things , people , emotions , relations etc might be handled by us in a much better manner…
Only Change is permanent !!”

I think this is a very profound thought process. Every relationship is a privilege or a choice made. For marriages that last life long …the only way it is true or fair, is when it is a choice made everyday, every month, every year, at every adventurous and also treacherous turn of life. There is awareness about the reasons you are sticking together. Pure love, respect, trust and commitment is one. There may also be significant level of habitual comfort in being in that relationship, or a strong hold of the aspect of cultural conditioning. All reasons are valid as long as you are aware of them, together. This awareness gives you a sense of freedom of choice and growth in other areas of life. And this can be true of any other kind of relations …the relations you are born with or you choose to make.

Healthy relationships are a combination of courage, strength, vulnerability and trust. It takes courage to keep evolving as an individual, while being in a relationship. It takes strength to support your partner, or any other relations for that matter, to do the same. One needs to take down all barriers, show up in all vulnerability, to be true, so the real you is the one in the relationship …no games, no agendas. It takes trust to allow all of this and still sustain the relationship.

Yes, only change is permanent. We are not comfortable when not growing into our best versions. So we need to stop locking down everyone’s reality to be a certain way, for our own comfort! Knowing that everything has an expiry to it, will allow us to value what we have and keep the courage to have what we value. We will not live unabashedly disrespecting the existence of another …

 

Just Be!

Stuck unstuck
Unstuck stuck

Sticky unsticky
Unsticky sticky

Noisy thoughts
Unkind lots

Mindless plots
Twisted knots

Head heavy
Hollow Belly

Fear unfear
Unfear the fear

Brain achy
Mind shady

Tears for miles
Rarity of smiles

Inner knowing
Adamant feeling

Comfortable misery
Uncomfortable sapience-y

Relaxed well-being
Continually fleeting

Joy a choice
Call to rise

Nature walks
Hearty talks

Bellyful inhale
Empty the exhale

Shimmer of lightness
Pour more kindness

Soothe and stay
Come what may

Pause feel strong
There’s no wrong

Purposeful activity
Unremorseful levity

Just Be somehow
There’s just Now

Be the space
A self embrace!