Do I have a personality?
I grew up feeling none.
I kept wanting one.
I saw some as persons happy
But I felt lot of thoughts unhappy
I saw some as being persons assured
But I felt unsure of what really mattered
I saw some as being persons positive
But I felt I needed lot more perspective
I saw some wearing their wealth on them
And I felt the need to become abundant
I saw some wearing their success on them
But I felt I really wish I had a passion
I sought to be truthfully joyful
But I felt lot of things to be untruthful
I simply only wanted my own personality
Yet I tried every which way to fit in
Also learned some tricks to blend in
Wherever I Be I became that one
Except it became difficult to keep up
Do I have a personality?
Now supposedly a grown-up
I am not sure I have one
A new friend in conversation
In complete awe of my hard-core choices
Called me in myself an institution
And visiting me a few days later
Found me a sobbing mess of confusion
Befuddled she told me
“Never imagined You could become this”
I confided in her honestly
I needed the friend in her
As much as she used the one in me.
She probed further if I had ever cried
For those times such and such
I said yes I did
When at times I became human as much
This kind friend then exhorted me
That I should be wearing all that I am
And walk out in the world head held high
Gain some confidence and personality
Veracity in the moment doesn’t allow me
To wear anything external on me
I am that I am and I wonder what I am
I live in an attempt of absolute integrity
In all the roles that can be called of me
I show up with confidence or confusion
It is me in that moment feeling fluidly
The only corrugation is of my intention
So now do I have a personality?
You tell me which one you see in me
So do I need a personality?
Or I could just Be what I have come to Be.
P.S. Dear Debbie, I gladly contribute this poem to ForgivingFridays, as a gesture of forgiveness for everywhere we judge ourselves for what we are. Thank you for being here.
An artist picks up a paintbrush
To create a view
Knows intently each color and every hue
An artist of life, similarly
Picks up from a palette of emotion
Lends a hand to Creation
Knows each one very intensely
Pain & Joy, Anger & Love, Fear & more
In all their potency
Has felt them all to the core
Picks up on the shades of feeling
As they keep emerging
Knows exactly what would appear on the canvas of life
Both are very skilled at knowing
When to put down the brush or use some more …
This conversation feels very significant to me as it is between my 11 year old son and I 🙂
Mom: My dear friend asked me a question “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?” What would you say?
Son: I don’t know …maybe I would become the greatest soccer player …
Mom: Oh but you already play soccer and you are good at it. Think of something that you haven’t tried but would love to …knowing you couldn’t fail.
Son: What did you answer your friend?
Mom: Well …if I actually choose to do something then chances are high I wouldn’t fail.
Son: You mean you haven’t like ever failed at anything?!!
Mom: Well, I don’t remember anything that I look at it as failure, either I succeeded or learned something about myself from it.
Son: But you must have failed at summmthing that you attempted to do?
Mom: Hmm …ok so the first time I was learning to drive a 2 wheeler, I broke my arm and cannot ride one even now. But look at it this way …I now drive a 4 wheeler and it doesn’t matter to me if I ever can drive a 2 wheeler.
Son: What about something that mattered to you? Like your school?
Mom: Right, tell me why is school any different? If it matters to you you will work at it to succeed …or you could attempt something radically different because you know you could not fail. Son: Mom you are wayy too different than most people around!
Son: You are always too optimistic …normally people are not like that …(shaking his head, eyebrows high and a grin) …
I actually felt the most optimistic in my lifetime in that moment 🙂