How is it even working out?

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Photo by myself: Cypress Tree Tunnel, Point Reyes, CA

I am so absolutely dissatisfied forever and yet have this absolute contentment in me for my life – How is it even working out?

I am greatly amused at this thought that I am pondering about.

There are days I wake up with such waves of desires and aspirations pulsating within – all I can do is hold myself in stillness so I can watch where the currents are taking me. Sometimes I marvel at the glimpses of possibilities shown to me and sometimes I scream silently “Just Let Me Be”

And then there are days that I wake up so clear and calm, an emptiness that is so full, a fullness of the magic of life currents and empty of the turmoil of living – all I can do is bask in the bliss of gratitude, looking around at all that seems like a dream come alive.

Drenched in the joy of the life of it all, I then become aware of those undercurrents stirring within – they are both kinds, of today’s blessings and tomorrow’s visions, carrying the yesterdays in their very womb. And I am in awe of this container I am – that holds it all.

I look back gratefully at all the grief that brought me to this joy, I look forward gratefully to all the more grief and joy waiting for me.

I am sensing that one thing that I am never looking back on and looking forward to – the fear that I used to live with. It was not the fear of particularly anything, it was just Fear, my forever friend, who strived to keep me safe. It was the primary emotion I woke up with for a long part of my life. I now affirm to thrive and have fear take appointments with me, for any important conversations that need to happen. After all we are old friends.
(Just typing this brought up a tinge of fear in me – what if this is too much to ask? Thank you my friend – I hear you.)

I am so absolutely dissatisfied forever and yet have this absolute contentment in me for my life – How is it even working out? – Gloriously, I think. It is working out gloriously.

96 thoughts on “How is it even working out?”

  2. Dear Pragalbha, Oh my word. I totally resonate with this. There isn’t one word, sentence or vibration in this post of your that I don’t get. It as if you are writing about me.

    lovely lovely lovely post – it true we have it all and yet we can be dissatisfied. for me that dissatisfaction is I am not living fully – not the fully of the worldly view, by fully i mean – full my inner world, inner self, trueself. if that makes.

    your close is fabulous “….

    I look back gratefully at all the grief that brought me to this joy, I look forward gratefully to all the more grief and joy waiting for me.

    I am sensing that one thing that I am never looking back on and looking forward to – the fear that I used to live with. It was not the fear of particularly anything, it was just Fear, my forever friend, who strived to keep me safe. It was the primary emotion I woke up with for a long part of my life. I now affirm to thrive and have fear take appointments with me, for any important conversations that need to happen. After all we are old friends.
    (Just typing this brought up a tinge of fear in me – what if this is too much to ask? Thank you my friend – I hear you.) …”

    Fear is a friend. hardship is friend. Difficulties are friend. If I learn, and see benefits in all. gosh we learn so much.

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    • Oh how you fill my heart with joy, happiness, smiles with your visit dearest Bella!!! :))) It means the world to me that you recognize and resonate with every word and thought I share here. I had no idea today what I wanted to post – and so I simply decided to share how I am feeling, I wanted to share the joy blooming within me.

      for me that dissatisfaction is I am not living fully – yess that makes sense to me, I agree, it is a positive feeling that way that asks us to emerge more as ourselves. Thank you for this!

      And the joy of reading back my lines from you is absolute!

      I love how you concluded your comment – it seals my message back for me, it feels so complete as an affirmation reading it from you.

      Thank you ever so much!!

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  4. Good post! I often feel like you do. Sometimes a rollercoaster of different emotions and thoughts. It’s amazing really that we can realise and overthink feelings and work with them. Or just let them be. Interesting processes go on within, sometimes subconsciously. As humans we often seek answers or solutions. Perhaps to control matters of the soul.The awareness of it all shall bring us peace…and joy, I think… ☺️

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    • Thank you so much! I appreciate your thoughts on this 🙂 It is exactly that and you stated it very interestingly – there is so much going on – the processes, the overthingking, seeking, yes sometimes wanting a sense of control and then discovering yet again that letting of is the way.

      The awareness of it all shall bring us peace…and joy – I agree with this you say, awareness and presence helps us come out on the right end of it 🙂

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  5. a great flow of consciousness, most impressive that you have relegated ‘fear’ to the rear who now needs to make appointments! That’s a far healthier way to live but we need trials and tribulations to bring us here …

    Poetpas nailed it, we can watch the tide come and go without buying into it 🙂

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  6. What a beautiful perspective you have on embracing it all and somehow coming away with gratitude and joy for the fullness of it all. Kudos. I have noticed that opening to the pain and challenges in my life seems to open more space for the good and fullness of life.

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    • Thank you very much Brad for your kind appreciation, I am glad to know you align with these perspectives. That is my observation too, very much more clear than before – how much space gets created by allowing the pain and the challenges.

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  11. An engaging and contemplative post, Pragalbha. I love the use of repetition at the beginning and end and how you “gloriously” answered your question at the end. It is interesting how paradoxical thoughts can be – revealing the fascinating brain (and soul) seeing different points of view and figuring things out. ✨

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    • It feels so good to know that this post felt contemplative. I almost thought I had nothing to post this week, and then decided to have the fingers to keyboard bring something. When this post came, I thought – not bad perhaps. It makes me happy that you noticed and appreciated the repetition at the beginning and the end – I was pleased myself when it came that way 🙂 I love what you said last, it is very interesting indeed. Thank you very much for your thoughtful comment Michele.

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  12. This is such a powerful post, Pragalbha. Your words always resonate deep in my heart and in every moment of this existence. I completely understand what it is like to feel utter and complete dissatisfaction while also holding the visceral understanding and daily experience of joyfulness. The paradox being we are also joyful for the dissatisfaction present in our lives, as this dissatisfaction, like the fear that is engrained and programmed within us, arises at times, is part of being in action in life. This is, I think, what it means and feels like to be truly alive, to experience aliveness in all of its myriad feelings and emotions; and behind them all, Love. Always, Love. Thank you for sharing this stunning reflection with us, Pragalbha. I’m honored to be present here with you, and to reflect back my understating and resonance.💙🙏

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    • “this dissatisfaction, like the fear that is engrained and programmed within us, arises at times, is part of being in action in life” – this and everything about it that you describe so beautifully is great reinforcement for me. I remember the old tendency of feeling inadequate because of this feeling. With gratitude I found my way to hold any dissatisfaction with joy, likes its my fuel and nudge to move forward from where I am.

      “to experience aliveness in all of its myriad feelings and emotions; and behind them all, Love. Always, Love” – it is the most incredible place to be in, when we get this and it is most incredible for me to know how exactly you get this :))) I always somehow ‘knew’ Love is the container of all, yet took quite a journey to find the way to it through joy.
      I am absolutely honored for your kind wise knowing presence here, thank you very much Jeff _()_

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      • Ah, yes, I too remember this feeling of inadequacy and the deep fear in that current iteration of being. Resonates. Mmm. Yes, I love how you describe the paradox of dissatisfaction and joy as your fuel. I totally get that. Completely. Ah, indeed, the journey to the visceral understanding about Love being that container, took time for me too; and, what’s most fun is it continues to iterate, and show up more and more, and when it does within a context of dissatisfaction, it is even more blissful. You’re most welcome, Pragalbha. It is always my pleasure to share this space with you, and to share our understandings. An honor and privilege. 💙🙏

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        • You truly solidified for me this time around more than ever – my felt sense understanding of Love as it relates to dissatisfaction, with how clearly unravel it with your words. Such peace it gives to land here. Much Gratitude, Infinitely _()_

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  13. My emotions go on the roller coaster rails usually when I’m not happy. Usually when I’m stressed and feeling trapped. Otherwise, when my life is manageable and calm, I am happy to just float on the quiet lazy River and let life take me along!

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  17. How beautifully you have expressed a very intricate matter, Pragalbha – it makes for some contemplation. We are the sum total of a cauldron of emotions – anxiety, fear, disgust, boredom, panic, grief, anger et al – and many a times we try to push them into a far corner of the mind to help tide over a certain moment. However, there is no escape from the fact that these various emotions will eventually build up and burst at an inopportune moment. Hence tackling these bottled up feelings as “friends” is a wonderful thought. Self-realisation and self-acceptance is one step towards enlightenment…

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    • There is no esacpe – this is one wise lesson you highlight, I truly appreciate it. All that we carry within eventually will find its way out – so it is only in our interest that we become willing to look, name and work with it. I liked reading the list of emotions from you in the comment – each one is such potency waiting within us. There is so much value in living raw, real and vulnerable, much courage too. Thank you very much for your kind attention and thoughtful comment.

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  21. Life is like that maze of branches that define your thoughts so well Prag. I absolutely agree with two paradoxical emotions that try to trap us many times, I am glad you’ve dealt with them with the resilience that shines through your words my friend. Stay blessed.

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    • You see and acknowledge the journey – you describe and reflect so beautifully, your words help me shine with the light you yourself add. Thank you ever so much for taking the time. I appreciate your kind wise words and wishes _()_

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  23. What you say about fear shows a true turning point in personal growth. I was once in therapy suffering a lot from fear, anxiety, and negative thoughts, and my therapist said that these things are actually trying to keep me alive, in a backwards sort of a way. Once we’re able to see a positive use for the fear, it becomes a little bit easier to put it into its right place when we’re trying to decide how to move forward with something in life.

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    • It is indeed a turning point, profound transformation. What your therapist said makes sense, and I like how you say – trying to keep me alive, in a backwards sort of a way – so true. This awareness does help us move forward. Thank you very much Hetty for reading and sharing your journey with this. Truly appreciate it.

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  24. I think fear is a constant companion for most of us these days. We’ve been conditioned to live with it but gratitude and love supersedes it. I absolutely love your perspective and can feel the power of your convictions through your beautiful writing.

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  29. Ah…this is such beautiful, meaningful
    and deep writing. So true, the two sides, tugging at the common root. Loved the thought of letting in fear only by appointment…I think if this is the mindset, it itself will fear even seeking an appointment! 🙂

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    • Thank you very much Vishal for reading and thoughtfully sharing your reflection. I am so happy that it comes as therapy and the strength in all our human emotions. Wishing you conquest over your fear – I know it is a very courageous journey.

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  31. Ah, yes, the teeter-totter. I get it. LOVE that tree tunnel. I sat amazed and just stared for a long time. OH how the energy must be fantastic walking down that path! I’m with you fyi for these past 20 months have taught me to face every fear and to not allow fear any more room in my life. That is still a work in progress as I promise myself no more anxiety, no more fear. Life, Prag, especially those of us who have come here at this time to stand out in order to assist others to heal, will vacillate between quiet and deep unrest. It’s maddening at times, isn’t it? Quiet, Monkeys, I demand but still they chatter until I deliberately change focus on something that quiets those Monkeys. Yet too it is those Monkeys who have gotten you to where you are in life today. Our Higher Selves use every aspect, every experience for our benefit if we allow them to be. Thank you for being so honest ….. you shine, dear friend, more and more. Congratulations on your Ascension Process. Much Love to you!! xo

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    • You brighten every sense of my being and this process dear Amy with how you shine your light on it, by how you give glorious words to it. You make me feel bright and shiny in every corner and space that I have missed acknowledging for myself. The quiet and deep unrest – yes perfect words, it is maddening and also the friendliest familiar feeling.I love how you make it all so much fun with the word Monkeys – they are indeed such wisdom along the way. Ah you make me feel so good with the words Ascension Process – so affirming and empowering! So Infinitely Grateful For You!! Thank you very much!

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      • Prag, I only reflect back truth in what I see in you. You have grown and stretched so much and now with this new adventure ahead of you in yoga, you will be growing even more. Your Journey is effecting so many and even more in the coming years. All that hard work will have you know deep in your heart it was worth it in order to reach out and touch others to encourage them to heal as well. When you look at yourself in the mirror, smile for you are looking at a very special young woman. I see you. SMILE!! xo

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  32. Dearest Pragalbha, this journey we are each upon as we become witness to these constant ebbs and flows of emotions… Is I feel showing us how to balance within… The Turmoil in the outer world is often tempered with the calm of our Knowingness within our inner world .
    We become both frustrated and calm in our understanding this illusion. And illusion from which we have as a Human race been entrapped within for thousands of years..

    Those trials and tribulations we experience when one has let go of fear, knowing deep within our being that what ever befalls the outer word it can not detract from the inner peace we have generated from our new perspective of holding ourselves in the peace and balm of self care in that we now have begun to love our inner BE-ing and hold ourselves in the safety of being by being mindful of ourselves and others..

    Loved your post dear Pragalbha… And your beautiful image… So good to be here reading your wisdom again and I so thank you for your visit… We will find ourselves often pulled in different directions, But we are learning to hold steady to our inner core.. As we open up our hearts to Love of self, and love of others..
    All is well in our world when we are comfortable within… ❤

    Much love and Blessings my friend..
    Sue ❤ 🙏

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    • We become both frustrated and calm in our understanding this illusion – I found this description so very beautiful and affirming. Your words are such tremendous comfort and blessing come my way, sealing solidly in my being, the wisdom and trust of our inner knowing. Yes, I love how you say, “we are learning to hold steady to our inner core. All is well in our world when we are comfortable within” I feel so sure and strong in this now. Yet it is all so fluid in how it moves within. I cannot express in words how much I receive from you, the deep gratitude I feel for you. Thank you very much Sue, what an honor to have your visit again!

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  34. If there was ever a post I was meant to read, it is this one of yours, wise, lovely Pragalbha! ❤️ I cannot even express how deeply it resonated, validated and comforted me- as if my guides were talking to me through your words. You must be a wonderful soul to converse with! So beautifully self aware and meditative! 🙌

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  35. “An emptiness that is so full” and “The grief that brought me to this joy” wow! The most beautiful contradictions I’ve ever heard- so wonderfully worded and such palpable emotions! Your post has made me look for reasons to be happy and to be thankful for them. 🙏

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  36. Most inspirational ,your all posts is written by you.just attractive and whispering the words,In your November ‘n few post in November ‘ n some on December.those all are having the touch of purity of soul and holiness.💕💕💕

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