Things I have tried not to say

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Things I have tried hard not to say:

I gave you valid respect for your given role in my life. I will never falter in that. I became weak, I cried. You scolded, told me to become strong. I did. You can’t stand me now.

I have no desire for power games. Each time you try to make me small, I hurt a bit, a lot and then just become tall. I desire respect for who I am and regard for my personal growth.

I shared with you that genuineness in relationships is required for me. You explained how I am being unreasonable. You thought you helped me understand. Sadly, I understood what you said.

I said it is important to show more care for each other. Soon it became a game of guilt-tripping grievances, while flaunting privileges. I wasn’t interested in those. I quit engaging. I am learning to be ok.

I kept my stories positive. I didn’t share what I really struggled & triumphed through. Validated, empathized and supported you inside out. You took me for granted and declared that I am lucky I have it all so easy. I am learning to find a balance.

You have given me a lot of goodness, helped in times of need. I expressed profound gratitude at every opportunity. I am done being made indebted to you forever. I perhaps bring no other value to you.

You praised my spiritual writing in public and in person. Then you said I was foolish to actually attempt to live what I wrote. I need to be loyal to my own word. I think you should have no say in that.

I have acknowledged both your struggles and your privileges without agenda and envy. I think I have suffered enough humanly, if that’s the competition we are in, to prove our worth. I now go for continual joy and gratitude. You preach me positivity while pointedly reminding me of my lack. I become weak only because I care and want to trust you.

You are so so lovely, I would love to create some fun moments with you, instead of you trying to make me jealous with other people. I wish we are truly that which we take turns trying to become/show. Have a cup of smiles, perhaps with some sweet, bitter, hot, perfect brew. I want us to speak easy and true, or then why bother with the façade/role play?

Praise is not the expectation behind any of my action. Love is the intention behind all I say and do. I feel deeply. I mean what I say. Your mixed layers of what you say, what you really mean and you intend to convey something underneath saying something in the perfect nice words – it is exhausting to me.

Respect & Love exist as attitudes, trickling into action and words. Certainly not true when the words are claimed, assumed, imagined, explained. All this while continually invalidating others’ feelings, in the guise of wanting to make them strong and positive.

These are things I have tried hard not to say.

Today I decided to get them out of the way. I am not perfect, made my own human mistakes. I am working my way through. All this is what I really think sometimes, before I work diligently at letting go of expectations and acceptance of what is.

When emotional I am often unskilled at expressing, wanting to keep the love and kindness, fearing loss of relations. It is ok I think now, to say what I really mean without trying to make it into something nice. It is ok to love myself as much as anyone else.

I am learning to become unapologetically myself, still humble and authentic, valuing positivity and peace, yet more unapologetically myself. All my heart feels is Love in this moment and I am willing to grow to be able to live it to the fullest extent of it.

Post Update because of some comments I am getting : This is not about a single person in my life. I share a good marriage with my husband – we grow together as individuals. This is a compilation of various journeys with multiple interactions in life. Not an exact experience of this moment but a description of cumulative experiences I have been working through. A venting of how I think relations work in some ways in society, that I am growing out of very clearly, and felt the nudge to put it out in the Universe for anyone who might find it helpful and mark my own journey ahead.

Related posts from the past, if you feel inclined –

Prose :
Downsides of Gratitude?

Step into the New …You

Truthfulness, kindness & the dumbness of it all!

Love broken down to …Basics

Rhymes :
I Certainly Will …

Gratitude Attitude

Being Positive Truthfully

96 thoughts on “Things I have tried not to say”

  4. Beautiful prose! I’ve done my own creative writing/art to express my angst I felt in the past.

    None of us are perfect, but we see other’s mistakes and flaws clearly while our own remain foggy to our own eyes. Some people are very critical of others, and when we’re on the receiving end it feels like physical blows if the person isn’t trying to be uplifting of gentle. Even if they are being gentle, it’s very difficult to hear and to accept when someone doesn’t see us in the light we need to be seen. Those lines are very difficult to see and very easy to cross if we ourselves have come from backgrounds of harsh treatment, and don’t properly understand healthy boundaries.

    As you have done, all we can do when we’re being treated harshly is to draw our line in the sand and say, “To go beyond this is unacceptable to me. I need to be treated with respect.” If the other person isn’t able to treat us how we need to be treated, we can show respect for our own well-being by keeping a distance.

    This is the hardest part of familial relationships, isn’t it? The first loyalty we owe is to our own mental health; everything flows from that!

    Just be you!

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    • Tamara I always found resonance in your writings and your comment is to be deep reflection. It is indeed a matter of establishing healthy boundaries while seeking the kind of care and support we need in being seen. Personal growth is a continual process I believe and therein comes the confusion in lifelong relations. It becomes a thin edge as you describe. I agree with you on it comes down to our own wellbeing and loyalty to our mental health. Thank you for taking the time for this thoughtful response and the reminder of Just be You!

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      • It’s my pleasure! I love how you see the bigger picture!

        I’m always mindful that there’s others reading who need supportive advice and encouragement, so I try to reply not only to the writer but to other readers, because we’re all seekers of wisdom for one aspect or another in our lives!

        There’s always going to be people who are critical or judgmental, no matter what we do or how well we live our lives. Ultimately our lives need to be lived for us and not for them!

        Kudos to each person who gives themselves permission to just be themselves and to live their life as best as they can!

        As Maya Angelou said, “When I know better, I do better!”

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  5. Wonderfully written and loaded with thoughts to ponder. No matter who is involved, human relationships are difficult – and many are more so – and some impossible. I admire anyone trying to live their own words – that is practicing what they preach. But, that in itself is a difficult task – not a noble one.

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    • Thank you so much for reading, your visit supports my work. Makes me happy that you found thoughts to ponder on. I think I am more finding it difficult not to live my words – I just can’t play along anymore. One thing I have learned repeatedly is comfort is not the promise, ease is a possibility.

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  7. If someone who truly respects you, he/she doesn’t tell you every single thing you should or should not do. He should accept you as a person and accept your idea, your thinking, your feelings, your way of doing things to yourself and to others. You should be free to interact with others. He shouldn’t interpret your words and make you a slave of his interpretation. It seems like this person put you in a cage. He belittles you to elevate himself over you. He doesn’t care about your growth. He wants you to stay little. Take care!

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  8. This was a very heartfelt post Pragalbha… in a different way… you’ve reached into the darker nooks and crannies of your heart, and shone a torch at them, for us all to see as much to your own self. Loved the genuine emotions, and honesty. Keep shining, and keep inspired. 🙏🍀🙏

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    • Your description means a lot to me kind friend. This was indeed me cleaning out the dark corners of my heart that I so wanted to clear out. This was at the edges of my comfort zone to put it out there, yet it was clear that I have no choice if I want to keep moving on my path. It is so tricky when always trying not to hurt anyone, and then be unkind, untrue to myself. I am grateful that you see my honesty here. Thank you immensely _()_

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  10. Heartbreaking and heartwarming. The journey of life and all the interactions of life. What we don’t say and yet we hurt inside quietly. Our journey we interact with so many.

    A powerful post. I felt it and I could related to each line. You may written in relation to your life and persons in your life. I cried for you, but I cried for me too. I felt your release and I felt mine too.

    Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt piece. I share a big hug to you. And well done for releasing and being unapologetically you. Well done for finding you in all the sacrifices in keeping the peace.

    And extremely heartfelt piece relatable to all I feel.😊🤗

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    • Your response is so precious to me, so much relief when we recognize how human and similar we are in these heart processes. I was generally a bit amazed at how this post just seemed to flow out of me, like waters from the nooks and crannies getting an outlet. I thought I hesitated to post, I questioned is it required to go out in the world? Is this really me? There seemed to be no choice. The post wanted to go out. That is how I would be cleared for the next version of being myself. This is me and what I would become is me too. The peace I felt at posting this was a bit eerie too.

      So thank you my sister for sitting with me in tears for what we released and let go. What a privilege that we cross paths and walk these lanes of life of our own.

      Well done for finding you in all the sacrifices in keeping the peace – This that you say gives me so much and beyond. Thank you immensely and Much Love. May we heal all hurts.

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      • I think we we write such pieces, and beautifully like you have written we heal. We all have so much healing to be worked through. We may end up writing many pieces like this. But in the end we will find peace, be unapologetically us, we will keep the peace and tolerate but the difference will be our heart will not break or hold onto to pain.

        This is such a healing piece for all of us. And we all need healing. And it is us ourselves who need to the work to release to heal.

        I have been thinking about healing a lot lately. I written a few words in my journal on these topics.

        Thank you for a beautiful piece. Such a shared experience in our different lives.

        Beautiful

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    • Yes exactly Radhika! Why complicate life and relationships so much? And they would look at you like you are an alien if you ask this aloud lol. It is heartbreaking to deal with this in close circles. I am so grateful to know that my words speak to you. Thank you very much and Much Love.

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  12. A very poignant post Pragalbha and it’s good to put these thoughts on paper in a stream of consciousness that shows you there’s no need to apologise when others cannot recognise the intent behind your words and actions.

    I don’t know if you’ve read Matty Weingast’s ‘The First Free Women – Poems of the early Buddhist Nuns’, a modern day interpretation of the Therigata written 2600 years ago. The poems are dedicated to women of all traditions who walk the path to awakening – you might enjoy reading them too 🧡 xxx

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    • there’s no need to apologise when others cannot recognise the intent behind your words and actions – thank you for affirming this! You are right, it was so good to allow this to flow. I am saving the name of the book and will definitely look for it. Thank you ever so much for your kind thoughtful presence here.

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  14. Inspiring and profound post, Pragal. You have written it from your heart and your words just flowed so beautifully and courageously. Happens with all of us as we are all human beings having faults and goodness in us. First and foremost let us all forgive ourselves and love ourselves with kindness and compassion because in this world of illusion there is no one but Me and this is all a drama going on in our lives. Everyone goes thru ups and downs in life but taking charge of your life matters. Great words spoken.

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    • Thank you very much for such positive support and appreciation. This post did just flow from my heart, had a mind of its own to be placed out in the world. I agree the formula indeed is compassion, forgiveness and kindness, it is simply our personal journey reflected out there. What we often forget is to apply that formula to ourselves too.

      P. S. While I welcome any kind way you address me, I thought of just mentioning, my name is actually Pragalbha 🙂 There was a confusion with someone else about what my name really is so now I am taking time to make this note to each one as I see.

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  15. Pragal, very boldly you have given a vivid expression of the current scenario in society.You can check my post of Evlin series.Each person should stand independently, their must be an identity and uniqueness.The matter is to keep up the identity throughout the journey.

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  16. It reads to me like a partner struggling with insecurity. In the beginning of relationships, two people can both agree to support each other and encourage ambition. But then when one grows quicker or develops differently, the other can resort to power games, remove affection, make accusations…

    It’s an incredibly relatable post. The last paragraphs made me picture a woman finally realising she can’t love someone who cannot love her as she needs. Very moving words which relay an inspirational story.

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    • I am so happy that my post reads this way too. It is a story of a woman indeed – even though I am coming from a perspective of describing multiple layers, relations, interactions in extended family structures, societal conditioning of facades that I am clearly outgrowing my capacity to engage in big and small ways.

      You sensed it right – I felt a great release in writing this post, Thank you very much for sharing your thoughtful response.

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  17. I could feel your words, Pragalbha. A difficult task, Not saying anything is easier for me, but builds frustration within, over a period of time, a pressure cooker kind of situation.
    Am really glad that you found your path through these treacherous routes of relationships. Keep marching ahead. Much love ❤️

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    • Thank you so much Deepika, a heartfelt one. I am still finding my way, yet feel lot of peace and freedom from getting this out in the open. I get what you are saying – the pressure makes tiny triggers into big ones, and just not good for my wellbeing or anyone’s. I am finding it very important to voice my truth, my spirit just won’t allow me to participate anymore. Much Love & Gratitude to you.

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  19. I was smiling and nodding in agreement as i read this and especially on the post update part..

    I always say writers/poets dont necessarily have to have a first – hand experience on a particuar theme to be able to write about it…

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  20. I think I understand, from a writer’s perspective, and the human experience. How we process our own growth and track it with our words (often misunderstood, or assigned different meanings by different reading eyes). I too felt what you were writing and could ‘relate’ to different times in my life, with different experiences or observations. Then it pulls together in what I create with my words.

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  22. I admire your courage with putting this out there. I think so many of us can relate on all the levels with which you speak in the relationships we’ve had that were unbalanced and even toxic to us for our growing freedom of love and spirit.

    It’s clear to me that this is the way to continue growing as you say so beautifully, “ It is ok I think now, to say what I really mean without trying to make it into something nice. It is ok to love myself as much as anyone else.”

    So much love to you! I’m happy you are finding your way to freedom increasingly and it’s a good sign for the rest of us of what is possible! How does it get any better than this?

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  23. I love the title of this post of yours. I could’ve written it 😁 Interrelationships are challenging. We all strive to be free and be who we want to be. Some people are controlling of others as often they fear losing the other partner or friend. Some try to make others weak showing ambivalent behavior. Some know you will always stay around so they can behave any which way they please. Others have a high level of expectancy, wanting the other to do what is expected of them. Sometimes it’s like a role-play, where you have to play your part. I am for equality for all living creatures. And we should all be able to be ourselves. Be just that and keep yourself close to your heart…

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    • I am glad you like the title 🙂 It is like I took stock of the bulk of my interactions in recent few years and simply decided I am unable to continue anything similar anymore, in an attempt to protect the status quo of those relations, playing certain roles certain way. Living with being ourselves should come easy and all this drama takes me away from the real people in my life who understand this equality. It takes me away from my path of self-discovery, creates limitations for all involved. There is kindness in Truth, though often not comfortable, there is compassion in saying it like it is, I hope to keep living that with all the love. Thank you very much for sharing such a thoughtful response.

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  24. Kudos to you for being your authentic self and refusing to play in power games. Some will not accept who you are at the core, but it’s more important to be true to yourself than to act the way they want/expect you to. When you express yourself, you may rub some people the wrong way, but as long as you’re doing so with love and respect, you’re on the right path.
    Eloquently written, Pragalbha.

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    • You truly heard me here Magarisa – I am just unable to give in to expected roleplays just to keep it comfortable for others, anymore. I would give up everything in my capacity and understanding, keep the respect and love, hoping that I am accepted but not needing to be accepted anymore. I commit to being genuine and true to myself. I sincerely hope Love is enough and that I am able to keep my end of it steady for each, regardless of who, I pray for that capacity. Thank you very much for your thoughts that support and affirm me.

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      • I hear you, Pragalbha; I also commit to being true to myself. By acting in expected ways to make others feel comfortable, we reinforce the status quo and turn away from genuine interactions. You are very welcome, my friend.

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  26. Break free from those who don’t let you feel good about yourself. Listen to your conscience. You dont need anybody pulling you down. I think we need to distance ourselves from people who bring the worst out in us or who are not good for us. I hope you’re feeling better after sharing here. Its wonderful that you’re being authentic.

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    • Yes there is no choice but to listen to conscience and act authentically from there, or the suffering is evident and immediate. Only from this freedom can come the more expansive version of love and compassion for all involved. Thank you very much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts.

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  27. It is true that being our authentic selves can seem impractical and have material consequences. But the joy of inner stillness, the return to our own origins – these are the priceless rewards when we stop pretending and start being

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    • Thank you so much for your kind visit and responding so thoughtfully. It is so fulfilling and affirming to read your reflections. I appreciate how you say material consequences when we stop pretending and start being. It is a polarity of letting go and then gaining that joy of peace that becomes part of the undeniable process.

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  28. Our dualistic natures of self often do internal battles.. And its good to verbalise that which goes on inside our heads.. Being honest with ourselves, honouring ourselves, respecting ourselves forgiving ourselves.. Also allowing ourselves to be angry with ourselves jealous of ourselves, and wounded by ourselves as we come to realise that we have made ourselves feel unworthy, as we have neglected ourselves in our judgemental ways of self..

    Your letter to self now paves the way for all of those good attributes to flourish… The ones that nurture, heal, love, forgive, as you wrap your arms around your relationship with self..

    It’s good you finally got to say those words which you held within for so long..

    Much love dear Pragalbha .. ❤ ❤ ❤ 🙏

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