Finding My Balance

Golden sunrise - on sea of blue - Sitapur beach - Neil Island - 1F8A1566

Golden Sunrise at Sea by Atanu Chakraborty

I find a place…for my elbow to rest on. A platform that is a good space to give me relief. My elbow finds balance on a solid surface, my head rests in my palm sideways. My mind finds some moments of peace.

The platform turns out to be a floating piece. It starts to shift, putting my elbow and my rest, out of balance. I could rely on it but only for a while.

Pulses of life, stir through the surroundings of the iceberg where I was resting my elbow. The solidity of the iceberg now seems shaken.

Shock of the coldness hits my face as the elbow slides off. I am thrown out of my comfort space.

I have been seeking concepts and beliefs and relations and interactions to depend on, for balance. To rely on, when challenged. Only to find out that they are all floating icebergs.

Lean on anything a bit too much, and you plunge into the cold deep abyss of the sea of truthful revelations, eventually.

Some icebergs are memories that we escape to. Trying to find any semblance of joy or pleasure or balance or support that we felt at a different time. As all icebergs, this one too, serves only for a while.

I have sought it in persons and relationships sometimesOnly that I am an iceberg for others too, sought out to balance some need in them. Oftentimes, each ends up blaming the other iceberg, for not staying steady and still, for them to lean on.

I decide to walk on to dry grounds, with none of the unreliable icebergs around to entice me. There are trees to rest under and the lush grass on solid ground, looks fulfilling. I will now depend on the nurturing Mother Earth to hold me, to support me. I find rest in the shade under a vibrant tree.

It seems like I have found my solace and semblance of balance that I can finally rely on. Only until …the winds start howling and the skies turn dark and shower me with piercing drops of revelations, leaving me drenched in the cold again.

Sometimes it wasn’t even the furious weather that left me all lost on the face of the planet. My own thoughts could create a tornado within, that left me as if, there is no ground to stand on.

“Where do I really rest? Mother Earth! Where on earth can I just rest?” I cried in despair, kneeling down with my head hung low.

Mother Earth, as if smiled, while continuing her own journey through the void, around the sun, not knowing what, comets and storms and humans, might hurl at her, at any time.

Nothing seems to be at rest. Relentless movement. We go on while coloring our perception with the illusion of support and stability.

At times, memories of someone and the conversations, color our days or months. Giving a sense of balance to the emptiness in the place we call home. The home that stands on the compassion of the planet and it’s time bound stability.

There are times I am totally present with those physically with me. And I become aware of the hurricanes within them, uprooting my sense of balance.

I also often become dependent on other people for my soul nourishment and direction to my human mind. Every time I become completely dependent, that iceberg plops under.

In my sane mind I realize that they have gone away seeking their own nourishment, or might have faltered their own of self depletion. In my human mind I sometimes blame them for not being there for me anymore.

After many such hurricanes and toppling under of icebergs, I finally realize there is this vast ocean of space within me. The more I dive into the center of it, the more stability I find.

I begin to sit with myself more often, without leaning.

I feel more grounded as I allow a deep breath in, into the expansiveness of my being, and empty it out from the core of my being, as softly and smoothly as I can. The more I rely on my own ability, to glide on the current of the life force, flowing through me with the breath, the more rooted I get in the stability of my own being. The platform I lean on is not tangible yet so plausible.

A sense of trust and surrender and choices of possibility and tremendous courage, gives me an easy resolve of steadiness, and the experience of innate balance.

I wobble at times, escape into known comforts sometimes, fear the unknown darkness sometimes, and then find my balance again, as I recognize it all for what it is.

The darkness is pure nothing until I fill it with something. Its spirit is illuminated with each breath and awareness that comes. The silence is rich with the knowing and the perceiving and the feeling that guides me, unless it is purely divine silence.

A warmth develops within me, that balances out the coldness of any sharp revelations. It flows through me, which feels like love in some form or kind.

That’s how, I find my center and balance, time and again, until I fall off, time and again …

 

Originally published in This Glorious Mess on Medium

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94 thoughts on “Finding My Balance

  1. You have found this incredible balance in your writing. It was poetry but it read like a story. Your metaphors and similes are very descriptive and I could picture everything as I read along. It is so true. If we lean too far or too much on people, we will not find solid ground. We cannot expect others to take the full burden.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Wow Pragalbha, this really spoke to me today.. And your expression of those feelings absolutely resonated with me..

    So many things in the world we look at, are it seems out of balance, and as we try to make sense of it all, this illusion, of which we are all part.. When we lean one way or the other we see how we are always brought back to the Centre..

    And our Centre is where we find that balance.. Having the courage to confront those boundaries which pull us this way and that.. And understanding we have to let each of the go, So we can spring back within our centre to find that peace and calm..

    The world has just led me upon such a ride once again, as I try to regain equilibrium, sorting out once again those turbulent emotions that surface to drag us over the edge…Often with Ego shouting out in our ears..

    In our modern day world so many distractions, all trying to compete. That pull upon our Energies, until we can at times feel fragmented in all directions..

    So for me.. I retreat, cut off communications for a time with the internet.. I withdraw, and spend time in Mother Nature.. Our great Healer, that grounds us, prepares us, as she shows us that nothing matches her strength or her power..

    The Wobble is needed, for it shows us how far we have come.. As we step back from ourselves to detach and view our lives from another perspective..

    A most excellent piece of writing my friend..
    Many thanks for your words.. They echoed through my mind, that I know we are ONE in our journey..

    Love Sue xxx ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • Dear Sue, It touched me that you took the time with my work. Reading through your reflection has given me such contentment, peace and affirmation for having this work come through me.
      Yes, it is so much courage to keep going to the edge and explore. To knock on all that feels solid, knowing for certain about the illusion. Riding the turbulence while fiercely humbling our ego. To retreat, rest and heal. I have come to appreciate the wobble a lot, you are right regarding that …nobody said it has to be pleasant …it is rich though.
      Yes, We are ONE in our individual journeys and never alone that way. Immense Gratitude for that and your words.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pragal read and reread it! Very timely post for my inner journey of these days. Just like The Earth we all feel void. Our relations, feelings and everything is exactly like iceberg, giving us temporary support for time being till we realise reality that like us they too are in search shifting, moving and finding the core of that void. To be true we all are incomplete and only in search of that which makes us complete and all our life we are lost in making of ourselves.
    I loved it and got my answer too. Your wisdom always leaves me in more appreciation for you!
    Thank You so much for sharing beautiful insight with us. Lots of love ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. A beautifully written piece of reality. We all have those balanced moments and the ones that throw us out of gear and yet it is finding that inner resolve to get back up and try again makes it all worthwhile. Thank you indeed.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Beautifully explained and written. This is how I’ve been feeling lately. For those of us who live with an understanding of the impermanence of it all, natural disasters and such might seem scary, but they are nothing to fear. Calmness is definitely (in my opinion) found within.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love how you say – ‘seem scary, but they are nothing to fear’ – so true, it may not be pleasant but the knowing of impermanence helps us sail through. I really appreciate you taking the time on this post :)Thank you very much for sharing your thoughtful reflection.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. What a beautiful way to bring home the point, Pragalbha. This theory will stay with me. Always. Especially at a time I feel that the mirage of physical comforts that I try to lean leave me cold. I know still I would succumb to doing it another time, until I remind myself, yet again.
    We came into this world alone, we will leave this alone. In the meantime, it is us alone that we can best depend on.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. The beautiful message being to depend on yourself and not expect the world from others. That’s the summary I felt, as though you are resting on unstable ground and expecting it to be solid. You then try to find stability only to discover that life itself will always be full of twists and turns. And in some ways, that’s the beauty of it. Thank you for sharing such eloquently put together words. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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